S/O Do people really feel this way about exes?

[Anonymous]

In the “H is in love with ex” thread, someone mentioned how they still love their exes, loved them enough to realize they weren’t right for each other, the joy of watching exes fall in love with other people, that they were in each others’ weddings….

Do people really feel that way? I don’t have any ill will towards my exes, but I don’t really feel the need to talk to them, and while I hope they do find love, I don’t have any desire to watch it happen. When I found out an ex had gotten married and had a baby, my only thought was “good for him” and then I never gave it a second thought, never felt like reaching out to congratulate him.

The only ex I’ve ever been in touch with is a strange guy who reaches out to show me pics of his quarterly tropical vacations with beautiful women to show me what I’m definitely NOT missing. And even then it’s usually just a “looks fun” and I forget about him until 6 months later when he emails me more pictures.

Am I in the minority here? Is it pretty common to contact and care about exes?

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way you do, but I can imagine somebody just starting a strong platonic friendship with an ex. That’s not necessarily bad.

What I think was bad about the situation of the OP of that thread was a) he hid it from her and b) he was unwilling to be direct about how he feels about the other woman. “Yes I do love her but I absolutely love you more and I have no desire to be with her” (or something like that) would be far preferable to “what do you want me to say?”

It’s also a problem that the husband doesn’t seem to have any compassion or understanding for where his wife is coming from. He seems to only care about his perspective and thinks she should just deal, rather than trying to see her point of view and caring about her feelings. Ugh. I would not want to be in that situation.

[Anonymous]

All my exes are exes for good reasons but I’ve never been a spiteful person so I wish them all well. I don’t have any contact with them except for exchanging Christmas cards with one of them.

[Anonymous]

Exes where it ended badly - no contact

Exes that are good people - FB friends but no messaging

“Ex” from high school that came out as gay - close long term friend

“Ex” from college that I dated for about a minute then we both realized we are much better off as friends - my best friend for the past 30 years (yes DH is fine with that)

[Anonymous]

I find that the people who want to remain friends with their exes are the people that cannot stand it when other people don't like them. I'm not a psychologist, so I'm not going to label those people insecure, co-dependent, etc. but it's definitely something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the “H is in love with ex” thread, someone mentioned how they still love their exes, loved them enough to realize they weren’t right for each other, the joy of watching exes fall in love with other people, that they were in each others’ weddings….

Do people really feel that way? I don’t have any ill will towards my exes, but I don’t really feel the need to talk to them, and while I hope they do find love, I don’t have any desire to watch it happen. When I found out an ex had gotten married and had a baby, my only thought was “good for him” and then I never gave it a second thought, never felt like reaching out to congratulate him.

The only ex I’ve ever been in touch with is a strange guy who reaches out to show me pics of his quarterly tropical vacations with beautiful women to show me what I’m definitely NOT missing. And even then it’s usually just a “looks fun” and I forget about him until 6 months later when he emails me more pictures.

Am I in the minority here? Is it pretty common to contact and care about exes?

OMG, really?? That's so funny/scary. Did you date him for long, or was it just a date or two? He sounds kinda psycho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that the people who want to remain friends with their exes are the people that cannot stand it when other people don't like them. I'm not a psychologist, so I'm not going to label those people insecure, co-dependent, etc. but it's definitely something.

Or maybe they were mature and wanted to preserve a valuable friendship?

[Anonymous]

I feel annoyed at one of my exes. We were friends for years after we broke up (through mutual friends, not seeing each other without others around). Then, after he got married, he told me he would not longer be coming to any events with mutual friends because his wife didn't want him around me. I was really shocked and hurt. I felt like his wife was suggesting he and I were doing something wrong, but we weren't. We never saw each other except with other friends in our group. The whole thing upset our friend group, and was unnecessary.

All my other exes are fine. I have nothing against them, but have not stayed in touch due to lack of common interests/activities/friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that the people who want to remain friends with their exes are the people that cannot stand it when other people don't like them. I'm not a psychologist, so I'm not going to label those people insecure, co-dependent, etc. but it's definitely something.

I think they feel ownership and a need to believe nobody else is better.

Alternatively, I think they like to keep him/her on a back burner and potential 'no strings' for life thing.

I really think no good comes from having an intimate opposite friendship with someone outside of your spouse (who you had lots of prior sex with). (not talking about casual guy friend, work, neighbor, etc.). I mean look at Bill Gates and his lifelong 'friend' and Prince Charles with his 'Camilla is just a good friend'.

No way in hell would I enter into a marriage with someone so hung up on a past love, which OP I don't think is your case, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the “H is in love with ex” thread, someone mentioned how they still love their exes, loved them enough to realize they weren’t right for each other, the joy of watching exes fall in love with other people, that they were in each others’ weddings….

Do people really feel that way? I don’t have any ill will towards my exes, but I don’t really feel the need to talk to them, and while I hope they do find love, I don’t have any desire to watch it happen. When I found out an ex had gotten married and had a baby, my only thought was “good for him” and then I never gave it a second thought, never felt like reaching out to congratulate him.

The only ex I’ve ever been in touch with is a strange guy who reaches out to show me pics of his quarterly tropical vacations with beautiful women to show me what I’m definitely NOT missing. And even then it’s usually just a “looks fun” and I forget about him until 6 months later when he emails me more pictures.

Am I in the minority here? Is it pretty common to contact and care about exes?

I feel that way but I think I’m in the minority; it’s a platonic love.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the situation. I am friends with my ex-husband, both our families are friends although we don't share any children together (thankfully!). My DH and he are both also good friends and are musicians and actually put out a record together and we all attended each other's weddings. We have kids around the same age and have joked it would be funny if any of them ended up together, he has all girls and I have all boys and we have play dates with them.

I am also friends with my first boyfriend from high school and his wife. I am certainly NOT in love with them, but for both my ex-H and my HS ex-B, we were friends well before getting together and the breakups were amicable and we remained friends afterwards.

I do have other exes that I am NOT still friends with and have no desire to be. I have absolutely never gone back to an ex. When I am done, I am DONE, at least in a romantic sense.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the situation... I have two ex boyfriends I spent a long time with (4 years and 5 years) and I feel no ill will towards them, but I have absolutely no desire for them anymore. I don't know why -- clearly I enjoyed sleeping with them for years. But now it's gone.

I feel more attraction to random new men I meet (fleeting!). I have a feeling it's more common for women to feel that way once they move on. I think men are more likely to keep some attraction going and replay the "highlight reel".

[Anonymous]

I find that the people who want to remain friends with their exes are the people that cannot stand it when other people don't like them. I'm not a psychologist, so I'm not going to label those people insecure, co-dependent, etc. but it's definitely something.

I stayed casual friends with my college ex, even though the reason that we broke up is that he cheated on me during his study aborad. We had a lot of mutual friends, since we had dated for two years at that point, and it was too much trouble to be in a fight/not be casually friendly. After law school, we both wound up in NOVA with kids around the same age that play soccer fairly seriously, so we are still casually friendly now. I would not hang out with just him, but our families have gone to a restaurant together after soccer games when the kids played each other. Why not?

[Anonymous]

My exdw cheated which ended our marriage. I don’t harbour any ill will towards her and hope she’s doing great. But I have no need to keep up with her. I haven’t seen or talked to her in over 10 years.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster from the other thread who wishes the best for my ex. I think it's strange not having relationships with exes that you ended on good terms with. My life isn't full of drama. I cared deeply for these people, saw many great attributes in them, hence they were my partners and we mutually agreed that there wasn't a long term romantic future for us. Of course we would remain closed and continue to care for each other. I've had three partners before my husband. One was being and lives across the country so we don't keep in regular touch. One is one of my best friends. And the other (who I was referring to) isn't in touch withe because of his wife. Probably worth mentioning that I waited until marriage to have sex so maybe that's what some.peiplw are having trouble with?