Has anyone divorced and never really felt married at all?

[Anonymous]

I am divorced. Marriage was never good or normal in many ways. Divorce was necessary. It kind of makes me sad that I do not feel like I was ever really married at all. Literally there was nothing good about it.

I assume this is not common at all. But I am interested to hear if anyone can relate.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a pretty common feeling if you got married young, divorced fairly quickly, and didn’t have kids or much (if any) property to settle. At that point it might as well just be any other breakup, just with a few legal issues.

[Anonymous]

How old are you op? Kids?

I felt like this with my first husband.

[Anonymous]

I kinda relate to this. We were together for 22 years, since we were 19. No kids. It ended when I discovered that he'd been hooking up with men, which came as a complete shock, and he's continuing to live as a "straight" man and few people know, so it's like the whole thing didn't happen. And I'm realizing now that I was also the victim of financial abuse -- him hiding money and me being trained to always "pay my share" to avoid his bad moods. Believe it or not, I thought we had a good marriage for most of it because we had a good time together and we didn't fight. But more and more, it all seems like an illusion. And since I have nothing to show for the last two decades, it feels like I'm still 20 and just starting out.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I was married for a decade. 2 kids. I was going to leave before the first. I almost did not go through with the wedding. Should not have.

This was not a “starter marriage.” I also got married in 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a pretty common feeling if you got married young, divorced fairly quickly, and didn’t have kids or much (if any) property to settle. At that point it might as well just be any other breakup, just with a few legal issues.

The feeling would make sense in that scenario. Unfortunately, that was not my scenario.

[Anonymous]

I feel that way sometimes. We do have a kid. But one of the reasons we divorced was bc he would not do anything to make it feel like a marriage—no engagement ring, no wedding ring, no wedding, no house, no shared financial plan, little to no teamwork, no shared social life, no traveling and no holidays.

[Anonymous]

My dad retired after 37 years and a year or two out he said he felt like he never worked .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel that way sometimes. We do have a kid. But one of the reasons we divorced was bc he would not do anything to make it feel like a marriage—no engagement ring, no wedding ring, no wedding, no house, no shared financial plan, little to no teamwork, no shared social life, no traveling and no holidays.

I honestly don’t understand why you would marry someone like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad retired after 37 years and a year or two out he said he felt like he never worked .

OP, listen to this poster — it is true that as we move on from some life stages or from some relationships, they will feel like it all never happened.

[Anonymous]

Oh yes, married at 22, she had an affair at 23, divorced at 24. That was 28 years ago and the marriage was just a blur but I still have some good memories. Sadly, her life has been bad since then and mine has been very good.

[Anonymous]

Through various psych exams my ex was on the spectrum plus pathological liar to hide his faults. I then realized over half of what I had been told over the years of dating and marriage were totally false. We were still together one more year following the Dx and it was easier to ID the lies and omittances. Like one of those things that once you see it you can’t unsee it. That coupled with his lack of true emotions and simple mimicking of me, also feels like a fake marriage to a fake persona.

I live for my kids now. Could care less about sorting through lies and truths with another man. Don’t have the energy.

[Anonymous]

I am married, not divorced, but feel kind of like you. Basically, my DH does not acknowledge I'm a human being with feelings. There is no compassion for me in the marriage, I cannot get what i need, it's not a true partnership in any sense, and I walk on eggshells just to avoid DH's rage and abuse (and most of the time am still not successful). If I could just get away and leave easily I would in a heartbeat. The problem is, we have three special needs kids for whom I stopped working to take care of... leaving would make things very complicated. At least you are able to escape. Consider yourself lucky. Just leaving and starting over without disastrous ramifications sounds amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel that way sometimes. We do have a kid. But one of the reasons we divorced was bc he would not do anything to make it feel like a marriage—no engagement ring, no wedding ring, no wedding, no house, no shared financial plan, little to no teamwork, no shared social life, no traveling and no holidays.

I honestly don’t understand why you would marry someone like this.

Because those things had not occurred when we first married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes, married at 22, she had an affair at 23, divorced at 24. That was 28 years ago and the marriage was just a blur but I still have some good memories. Sadly, her life has been bad since then and mine has been very good.

Bad how?