UVA professor: get married young

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married at 35, and it was perfect for us. That's the beauty of being human. We have more variety in thriving than almost any other species.

Agree. My family has examples of long term successful marriages with children where the spouses met at a varity of ages: some met in college and married shortly therafter, others met in college and married a decade later, some met in their late 20s and married in their early 30s. Some of the timing is entirely left to chance unless you want an arranged marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but as someone who married very late in life, had my first child at age 41 (naturally) and my second adopted at age 47, I strongly advise not going that route. I am now in my sixties with a kid in high school. My youngest will graduate college when I am 70 and my husband 75. Honestly, it isn't fair to your kids to have them so old. I may never meet my grandchildren. On the positive side, we are in a very good financial position and our kids were able to attend top private schools and universities. They will inherit a good fortune when we die.

I encourage both of my kids to find their spouse early in life. Sadly, my 25 year old doesn't even have a GF right now, so it isn't looking promising!

This was sad to read. We have two close family members who had their one (and only) child when the mom was age 45 (and the dad slightly older). They will be in the same boat. That said, people age very differently and I think that having kids makes you young and more active and you will have friends a decade younger if they are parents of your kids' friends and that will keep you from presenting as a grandparent versus a parent. The money, attention, time and perspective you provide and teach to your kids are way more important and your kids will be better off for it.

PP here. I do have to say that people are always shocked to hear my age. My daughter even tells me that her friends are shocked when they hear I am 66 years old!! Most of the other parents are 10-20 years younger! To be totally frank, I don't relate at all to my daughter's friends' parents...too young and in another stage of life. We are retired and they are still working on careers and may even have young ones in elementary school. I think they feel uncomfortable around me because of my age. This wasn't the case with my older son's parents, though. Still maintain those friendships. I feel bad that I am not able to give my daughter the same sense of community that I provided to my son. Bottom line, don't wait until late 30s to get married and have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People don't like the truth. I made sure to be married by 30 and was a few years early. 30 year anniversary this year. It gets harder for women after 30. It just does. Facts. I wasn't going to turn into a 40 year old single cat lady with no kids. And I didn't.

Well, for me "making sure" to be married by 30 would have meant marrying someone I would absolutley have regretted having a life with -- much happier with the man I married at 32. Also having our 30th anniversary, and we do have a cat, but also adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this might be a researched article that provided facts and figures about why it may be positive to get married and have kids young. It’s really just a right wing thought piece written by someone who also happens to be a professor.

Who gives a shit about the young woman’s Christian faith…it’s not relevant to the article and it would be more compelling if the UVA girl getting married young was a raging atheist.

I would be interested in facts-based research on the topic…do married couples get ahead faster at work? Is it better to have kids earlier when you are more junior so you can better lean in to your career by your early 30s?

There's a lot of discussion of the data showing that married young people, especially those with kids, are happier and less lonely than single young people. There's not data about career success from marrying young, but are we more concerned about "getting ahead at work" than we are about being happy?

These don't have to be mutually exclusive goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Google this guy. He's a MAGA religious extremist.

That is entirely obvious from the article and the "sources" he sites as experts on the subject.

[Anonymous]

I got married at 18 years old, after two years of dating my husband, it’s been twenty eight years now. There’s no right age, everyone’s on their own timeline

[Anonymous]

I find this article so confounding because the key question here is are you 22, religious, and what you really want is to get married and start a family? Then sure! Get married!

But nothing was stopping this girl except temporary, minor concern from her parents? It sounds like it would have been harder to switch majors.

If you’re not religious and wanting to start a family, you don’t need to get married right out of college. That’s the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but as someone who married very late in life, had my first child at age 41 (naturally) and my second adopted at age 47, I strongly advise not going that route. I am now in my sixties with a kid in high school. My youngest will graduate college when I am 70 and my husband 75. Honestly, it isn't fair to your kids to have them so old. I may never meet my grandchildren. On the positive side, we are in a very good financial position and our kids were able to attend top private schools and universities. They will inherit a good fortune when we die.

I encourage both of my kids to find their spouse early in life. Sadly, my 25 year old doesn't even have a GF right now, so it isn't looking promising!

This was sad to read. We have two close family members who had their one (and only) child when the mom was age 45 (and the dad slightly older). They will be in the same boat. That said, people age very differently and I think that having kids makes you young and more active and you will have friends a decade younger if they are parents of your kids' friends and that will keep you from presenting as a grandparent versus a parent. The money, attention, time and perspective you provide and teach to your kids are way more important and your kids will be better off for it.

OTOH you can have six kids starting when you are 20 and then die before any one of them graduates from HS.

[Anonymous]

I was not fully formed in my early 20s. And the people I was dating seriously then would not have been people I can see myself having spent my life with.

Works for some and not for others. As an older mom, I admit I’m jealous of those who had their kids young. But I could not have gone to law school or had the career I had built up before having kids, so my life would be very different and so would I.

[Anonymous]

The older you get the more set in your ways you become. It becomes increasingly more difficult to compromise and live with someone else.

Having children is physically a young persons game. I think a lot of people have been sold a bill of goods that you need to ascertain a certain lifestyle before considering having a child. The longer you wait the more difficult it becomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older you get the more set in your ways you become. It becomes increasingly more difficult to compromise and live with someone else.

Having children is physically a young persons game. I think a lot of people have been sold a bill of goods that you need to ascertain a certain lifestyle before considering having a child. The longer you wait the more difficult it becomes.

Millions of women successfully have kids in their 30s. It is not rocket science! You don’t really convince anyone who you make dumb arguments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older you get the more set in your ways you become. It becomes increasingly more difficult to compromise and live with someone else.

Having children is physically a young persons game. I think a lot of people have been sold a bill of goods that you need to ascertain a certain lifestyle before considering having a child. The longer you wait the more difficult it becomes.

Millions of women successfully have kids in their 30s. It is not rocket science! You don’t really convince anyone who you make dumb arguments.

With the ability to freeze eggs, women are now in the driver seat. I wish I had that option when I was younger. I will advise my daughter to freeze eggs if she doesn't marry by age 25.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well that was a read. I found it a bit sophomoric. It puts forth a dichotomous view of the life building that happens in your 20s as if people can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. It also only highlights the authors values around early marriage and children (which appear religiously driven) while glossing over any inconvenient statistics on higher divorce rates for people under 24 (and the potential fallout for any kids of those unions) and let’s not even mention any data on rates of abuse, alcoholism, etc. in financially struggling families.

Imo the author fails to acknowledge the gravity of marriage and the choosing of a life partner. He’s quick to lay out all the “selfish” things to avoid - like trips to Thailand - but that’s all surface noise. It ignores the meat and potatoes of building a partnership and family. And maybe he does that because, like Charlie Kirk, he comes at this perspective based on religious beliefs so in his mind religion should be the foundation of any marriage - but from a sociological perspective - of which he is a professor - that ignores a huge swath of society.

He also used the phrase “put a ring on it” twice. 🤢

Exactly. There is anecdotal evidence in both directions, as evidenced by the comments here, but it is important to look at actual data. I’m happy for everyone whose personal timeline has worked well for them (mine included, and I’m on the later side to marriage and parenthood), but I don’t draw larger conclusions and wouldn’t presume to tell others what’s best for them.

You never advised your children on what was best for them?

I don’t think you’re that dense, but I’ll play along. I guess I should specify that I wouldn’t tell large groups of total strangers through articles how they should approach marriage and child bearing based on my personal experience. (If my child wants advice on that subject, I would use my knowledge of him/her, their level of maturity, their specific relationship, and all the other information I had to offer my thoughts.)

It will always be true that some people mature faster than others. Some are stable sooner than others. Some can handle the strains of child rearing sooner than others. Some meet their soul mates sooner than others. For each argument in favor of early marriage, there is an equal argument in favor of waiting. This is one area in which one size cannot fit all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As surprised as I would be... on a rational level, I fully support this. Marry and have kids in your twenties. They'll be out and you'll have a whole second life ahead of you in your 40s. Wait a decade and all the money earning years will go to your kids. If you have them young when you have nothing... you don't even know better and can just roll with it all. I did it all wrong for the record. Spent my 20s working, finding myself and living the dream... paying for it now and probably well towards 60s as we have college, high school and grammar school kids now in school til 2037.... I'll be the OLDEST parent at graduation and in the poor house.

If kids are the sole purpose it's better than have them in your mid 30s and beyond, and it seems like you do want them out of the house as fast as possible anyway, so why not just enjoy your child free young years which is better than enjoying an 40s empty nest.

+1 I married at 31 and quickly had two kids. I'll be ready to retire at 60 with both kids will be out of college, ready to enjoy my empty nest. I enjoyed my 20s and was able to really focus on my career so when I had my kids I was in a good position to take a few years break with good connections so I could do some freelance work. I was 33 when #1 was born. If he were to have kids at the same age, I will hopefully be a healthy and active 66 year old retiree, able to help as much as he and his partner want. Would not be the case if we both had kids early. People who advise early kids also often seem to suggest getting help from grandparents to make it work, but that doesn't work if the grandparents also have to work full time!

I did have friends in college who married their college boyfriend/girlfriend and, for most of them, it did work out (although most also delayed kids until late 20s). I didn't happen to meet the right person then and benefitted from some more time to mature and gain confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the person you pick to marry (and if a woman, have children with) is far more important than what age you marry. Picking the wrong person to marry and reproduce with can have disastrous consequences.

+100