Hubby feels like a roommate

[Anonymous]

DH and I have two kids together. We love being parents, but rarely get time for the two of us. Our daughter is six months old and we've only been on one date night and have only been intimate once. I've tried talking to him about common interests, time to ourselves, a more active sex life, etc...nothing has changed (we were very intimate and active before kids, but he's never been a big talker). When his parents offer to babysit so we can go out he says he'd rather spend time with them. He puts a piece of tape in the middle of our headboard so we don't stray from our sides (when we used to cuddle to fall asleep). I love him, but it feels like Im living with a mime who doesn't find me attractive or interesting. We no longer cuddle, kiss, or talk very much. I'm very upset by this, but he seems to be fine with the way things are (my efforts to be intimate are shut down, my discussions about finding a common hobby are met with reluctance). It's starting to depress me and make me question our marriage, not to mention myself (I feel unattractive and unintelligent). Also, I lost all my baby weight after our first DC and our sex life was still nonexistent until we tried for our second (he always had an excuse as to why he didn't want to: his weight, exhaustion from work, worried about getting pregnant too son).

My question is: how do I change this? Is it just a funk we're in? Sometimes I wonder if a divorce would be better for both of us; I miss feeling loved and attractive. I'm worried that our connection has deteriorated so much in five years of marriage and questioning what that means for our future.

[Anonymous]

Your story was sad to read OP. I am so sorry things have turned out in this manner.

The placing of tape in the bed is extreme.

You + your husband sound like the perfect candidates for marriage counseling. I highly recommend you both try it out before considering parting ways.

Good luck to both of you.

[Anonymous]

Your situation sounds pretty normal after the birth of a child(many couples are exhausted and unromantic) EXCEPT for the piece of tape which is so weird, hostile, and passive-aggressive. I would have had it out or insisted on counseling. My husband and I have gone through periods of no sex or extreme exhaustion but this is the behavior of a young child -- don't come on "my side."

[Anonymous]

I felt like this with my ex husband. He would pull away when I would try to kiss him. I remember thinking, "is this what my life is going to be like for the next 50 years?" I'm now divorced (no kids, so a less messy situation) and happier than I ever imagined I would be.

[Anonymous]

DH and I cuddle plenty, though I admit to not being as into kissing as I was when we were first dating. That said, after one kid, we really work on making time for ourselves and to reconnect. Do you have friends or a family member who can take the kids for the weekend so that you can reconnect or get some personal time to open up?

[Anonymous]

The tape is fucking weird.

I went through a similar patch with DW. The problem was that she wanted everything to do with the kids - and nothing to do with anything else. Friends coming over was a burden, date night with me was acceptable by shed spend the time worrying about the kids. It was all consuming. Sex was perhaps the last thing on her mind.

It eventually got better but not after a lot of fights and some time. I poured myself into work and focused on that for a while until she sorted her shit. It's lucky I didn't meet anyone really cause I was so starved for attention - just emotional connection really - that I probably wouldn't have been able to say no.

I've got no great advice other than to be honest about how you feel. The tape needs to go - what the shit is that about?

[Anonymous]

OP here...thank you for the responses! I tried talking to him tonight about our problems and he told me to find a solution (he becomes hostile when I bring this subject up). He said he sees the problem, but the fact that he doesn't care enough to address the issue causes me distress. I told him I'm depressed and feel like I'm failing as a mother and wife...and he told me to fix it. I wouldn't have a problem if it was just after our second baby, but he was the same way after our first (he always had an excuse; we were only intimate when trying to conceive). After our first I lost weight, wore sexier undergarments (which he listed as a reason for not wanting to be intimate), cooked, cleaned the house, etc. I've set up date nights where we can stay home, have wine, and connect -- yet we just watch TV. I've bought relationship books to read together, looked up couples therapy, etc.; he hasn't embraced any of them. I've tried asking him if a divorce would be better and he says no because he wants the kids to have a family. I want the same thing, but I can't picture the rest of my life this way (and can't help but wonder if he has someone on the side who fulfills his needs). I'm going to give it another year and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Don't tolerate him saying no to counseling for a full year.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your husband loves you anymore or is even interested in staying married. Based on what you are saying, the tape is a powerful symbolism. Your marriage is over. You can try counseling but ultimately it's his decision to want work together or not. As an adult he won't change just because a counselor tells him, it's a personal decision only when he wants to change. He is clearly not showing any desire to improve your relationship.

[Anonymous]

What's up with the tape?

Once you have children, your relationship changes. There is no going back. No therapy will take you back to your carefree days. It sounds like you both have a tough time adjusting to the new normal. Half the couples in your position will divorce. The other half will stick it out for some time. It's up to you whether you choose acceptance or change.

[Shineshelly]

Hi there, I think I would feel very similar to you if I found myself in the same situation. Marriages definitely go through seasons. Have you considered sitting your DH down and having a respectful and loving conversation with him, expressing yourself in the way you have here? It is possible that if he knew how his actions were affecting you (making you feeling unattractive, unintelligent and bored) that he would make more of an effort. I would encourage you to seek marriage counseling, even if you go on your own at first, if he is still resistant to your appeal. Hang in there. Marriage is worth fighting for, especially when children are involved! Praying for you!

[Anonymous]

Here's my take. He's lost his feelings for you, but he thinks that you're not going anywhere, so there's no impetus to change anything. He's probably absorbed in his role as a father (though it's possible too that there's someone else in his life). The more effort you make, the more comfortable he'll feel in maintaining the status quo.

The tape on the bed might be the result of sleep deprivation. If your kids are waking up at night and he's become a lot more sensitive about being woken up, maybe you touching him at night wakes him up and hence the result. Still, even with that explanation, it seems like a pretty drastic thing to do. Is that normal for him?

Even if he's lost his feelings for you, he may get them back, marriages go through phases. I think what I would do is stop trying and start ignoring him, and start seeking affection with friends/family. If this doesn't work, well, you have a network of people who will be there for you in your divorce.

[Anonymous]

Women on here are crazy. His behavior isn't normal. Why would you bring a second child in this world if he was like this after the first?

[Anonymous]

It's because you call him hubby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your husband loves you anymore or is even interested in staying married. Based on what you are saying, the tape is a powerful symbolism. Your marriage is over. You can try counseling but ultimately it's his decision to want work together or not. As an adult he won't change just because a counselor tells him, it's a personal decision only when he wants to change. He is clearly not showing any desire to improve your relationship.

He doesn't appear to like you at all. I hardly ever think it's okay to leave someone, but this sounds torturous and weird.
Maybe you can suggest adjoining townhouses or something. Kids would have a short commute for visitations...