Should I talk to the adult leader?

[Anonymous]

My DS (6th grader) is in a youth organization. They divide into small groups to do activities. Each group
has a group leader who is an older kid and a senior member. The group leader is in charge of the activities.

They prepared a play this week. When I picked him up, he was very upset. He said he only got two lines of
the whole play. One line is 3 words, another is 7 or 8 words. All other kids got much more lines than him.
When he told his group leader that he wanted more lines. The group leader said he doesn't care.
So during the whole preparing of the play, DS felt left out, ignored.
He was crying on the way home. He said he felt terrible about how he was treated. He said
he doesn't want to go back to activities anymore.
Then I felt this is getting a little bit more serious. I don't want him to stop going just because of one
incident. But if his bad feeling toward his group leader and group activity continues, I'm afraid he
won't positively participate, things may get worse.

I want to help him, but not sure how. There's a adult leader. Should I talk to him, email him about
what happened. Should I ask if ds can change to a different group. (This is a new group, they mix/switch
groups after several months, he was fine in last group)

Should I encourage ds to talk to the adult leader or group leader(it'll be hard for him)
or should I just explain to him this kind of thing happens in life, since this is a new group, new leader,
maybe we can wait and see... we shouldn't let one bad incident affect what we do.....

Thanks for any suggestions!

[Anonymous]

You need to check your fut feeling about this before deciding on a course of action:
If there any reason why your child would have been given less lines than other kids? Behavioral, speaking, memory, anything?

If you don't think there is a valid reason, you should try to convince your son to speak with the adult leader. I would expect my 5th grader to take it up with the adult in charge, and I would prep him on what to say. Furthermore, unless there have been other incidents, I would not allow him to quit.

[Anonymous]

gut feeling, not fut feeling, sorry! Although fut feeling sounds interesting too

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your son is making a mountain out of a molehill. Some parts only have very few lines. That's the nature of a play with characters. Can he find some additional way to contribute to the play? Lighting, set direction, music, whatever?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your son isn't used to not getting his own way. I would not swoop in and "fix" this. Instead, I would work on role playing with your son what he can do if these types of situations occur in the future. Unless he's being bullied, which doesn't seem to be the case, you talking to the group leader just teaches your son that you will fix situations that he just doesn't like.

[Anonymous]

My issue isn't that your DS has fewer lines but the response of the 'leader' was inappropriate. I'm assuming one of the goals of the group is to help kids develop leadership and team skills. If what your DS reported is true, the youth leader needs to get some feedback and direction on better ways to respond to a team member.

[Anonymous]

Who gets to see this play? I would 1st look for verification that your son was THE only kid to get a reduced script. I also wonder if there is another play next week/month where things can get evened out. Now, onto what the group leader said to your kid. Did anyone else hear or was this his (your child's) interpretation? Do you know the group leader? Does this sound consistent to you? If you speak to the group leader, tread lightly. Ask him to explain the situation to you.Something doesn't sound right to me: the group leader "Didn't care" and your son making a big deal out of this (crying). You can certainly investigate, but don't go in like a mama bear.

[Anonymous]

So he didn't get as many lines as other kids. I'm struggling to understand why this is a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Resilience, op. This is a good opportunity for your son to learn how to deal with disappointment. Quitting the group is unlikely to be the best way to do that.

[Anonymous]

My 7th grader had a similar situation. I asked him how he was going to handle it. He thought about it and surprised me by emailing the adult leader and asking to switch to a different group. He showed me the mail after he sent it - it was polite and didn't pick on the student leader, just said he might get more out of being in a different group. Immediate change. Everyone is much happier.

[Anonymous]

Op here. DS was upset not because of fewer lines, but how the group leader said he didn't care.
(DS went to drama camp before, he did got less lines and was ok)

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

This is the age where he will need to start advocating for himself. You can't fix it for him and you need to stop thinking in those terms. Your son needs to learn that he won't always get his way and he sometimes has to be part of a team even if he has a smaller part in that team. Also, be careful to always assume that what your kid is telling you is exactly what happened. Your son was emotional when he relayed the story - he may very well have embellished the leader's response. It may not have been so harsh, but your son was taking it in the worst possible way. Remember that there is always 2 sides to the story, even when our own kids are involved.

I wouldn't let him quit because he made a commitment and that shouldn't be taken lightly. You'll have to explain that you expect him to step up and do his best. A discussion about personal responsibility and proper behavior sounds in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DS was upset not because of fewer lines, but how the group leader said he didn't care.
(DS went to drama camp before, he did got less lines and was ok)

Thanks!

OP, that's what jumped out at me in your original post, the idea that the group leader (a teen, not an adult) said he didn't care.

That, and not the lack of lines, should be the focus for you AND for your child.

Ask your son: Is this the first time that this teen has spoken to him that way? Is the teen usually OK? Then I might advise a little distance from the emotion and some empathy: "Teen X probably was under a lot of stress with kids asking him things and working out a play so quickly. If he doesn't usually talk this way to you or other kids then this might have been the stress talking--we all stay stuff we shouldn't sometimes when too much is going on. If he does it again, then you and I should talk about what to do next."

If your son just can't let this go, then I strongly agree with others here that your son should advocate for himself with the adult leader. If I were the adult leader (and I am an adult leader in a youth organization) I would want to know if one of my teens, who had been given the responsibility for shepherding younger participants, behaved in that way, if it seemed egregious. Talk to your son about advocating for himself and rehearse with him what he wants to say to the adult and how he wants to say it. Having him write it out first is a help. This is an opportunity to show him that going to an adult while emotional and wound up is not as effective as going to an adult calmly and with a clear statement in his mind.

I would be prepared for the possibility that the adult leader might have the "If I didn't hear it and you did not come to me at that time, it's over and done." That's not entirely a wrong attitude with something of this nature (though it would be entirely wrong with something abusive). Or the leader might dismiss your son as "tattling" after the fact. Prepare your son to say his piece and stay cool no matter how the leader reacts. I hope the reaction is: "Thanks for letting me know. I'll handle it."

But first I'd really see if son can cut the teen some slack if this was a one-off problem. If it was not a one-off,
your son needs to calm down and work to figure out what he is willg to say to the teen and/or the adult. And by the way, the PP who notes that kids do embellish things was right -- your son may be emotional enough over this that he is painting the comment as maybe worse than it was.

[Anonymous]

PP, thanks so much! It's very helpful!!
The group leader(9th grader) is an new leader, in his first term.
I'll talk to ds, if he feels ok now, I'll encourage him to stay in his group.
Otherwise, I'll encourage him to talk to the adult leader to ask for a different group.

Thanks!!

[Anonymous]

You know your child best. I could totally see any 9th grader saying he didn't care if a younger kid was whining and whining about a perceived slight. SOmeone has to get the bad part - it's only logical. If that kid is a pill about it and can't let it go, any kid would lose their temper. The fact that your 6th grader cried about a youth group play leads me to believe he is very sensitive. Does this happen often?

Flip side, if the leader is the pill and disregards a legitimate complaint (maybe the lines are fluid amongst characters and could have been reassigned) then your kid needs to watch the situation and bring it up to a supervisor if it continues. Once instance is not enough for me to barge in as a parent.