How do you enforce the no BF rule ?

[Anonymous]

I come from a background where no BF is allowed till college or later. How do you enforce this ?
DD already has a BF in high school and wants justification in this 'rule'. .we tell her she needs to
understand that 1) she may not make the right decisions at this stage.. 2) she needs to really focus on what she wants to
pursue in her life (e.g. becoming a Doc).

But DD thinks this BF thing .. she has it under 'control'. but we are very apprehensive.
We obviously do not want her to come home one day with some unexpected outcomes such as a pregnancy.

Have you dealt with this Have an appt with a counselor next week but not sure if that would help..........

[Anonymous]

I don't think you can

[Anonymous]

She's how old?

[Anonymous]

Just keep her locked in her bedroom. If she has to go out, like to school - you do want her to become a doctor - a chastity belt is most useful.

A C minus to the troll.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DD is 15 and in high school.

[Anonymous]

You don't want her to wait until college or later to date. You want her to make some mistakes while she is still under your control. You want her to have some boundaries while she navigates romantic relationships. You want to be there when she is dealing with 'bad behavior' (no a good guy will never put you down) or a bad breakup.

The girls who's parent's made all boys off limits in HS either went crazy their freshman year, or were so frightened of men they had a hard time dating at all. Or were so sheltered that they believed the first guy that told them they loved them and followed them to the ends of the earth, even if they were emotionally abusive.

[Anonymous]

Your rule against boyfriends may backfire on you; teens are naturally rebellious. The more you make something forbidden, the more attractive it becomes.

[Anonymous]

I've got a rule that my son can't date til 16. A lot of kids like this rule because it absolves them of the pressure to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. But a lot of kids don't. I don't know what camp he's in yet. But along the way I've been teaching him what to look for in a girlfriend (kindness, empathy, responsibility, etc) and what he needs to be as a boyfriend (pretty much the same). We talk a lot about healthy dating, and healthy relationships in general.

So if/when the time comes that he meets someone he wants to date, and it's before our "16" minimum, we can see if it's headed in a healthy direction in general. And then we'd loosen that mandate.

In your case, since she's already got a boyfriend, I'd start discussing healthy dating, if you haven't already. Let her know the emotional dangers it presents. A first breakup can potentially feel like the end of the world and it can derail study.

The ideal situation is that it's someone who fits well with your daughter, and you can be inclusive as a family and welcome him in. You don't want her dating in secret. That allows too many potential hazards of all sorts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't want her to wait until college or later to date. You want her to make some mistakes while she is still under your control. You want her to have some boundaries while she navigates romantic relationships. You want to be there when she is dealing with 'bad behavior' (no a good guy will never put you down) or a bad breakup.

The girls who's parent's made all boys off limits in HS either went crazy their freshman year, or were so frightened of men they had a hard time dating at all. Or were so sheltered that they believed the first guy that told them they loved them and followed them to the ends of the earth, even if they were emotionally abusive.

Yes. I did this. I completely agree.

[Anonymous]

I was not allowed to date until 18.

It just meant that I hid things, had no one to ask questions besides friends, and did things I otherwise wouldn't have if boys weren't taboo.

I am encouraging my own children to "date" whenever they are ready at an age appropriate level. Better to date in middle school by sitting at the same lunch table and sharing lockers than to have your first taste of freedom freshman year of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't want her to wait until college or later to date. You want her to make some mistakes while she is still under your control. You want her to have some boundaries while she navigates romantic relationships. You want to be there when she is dealing with 'bad behavior' (no a good guy will never put you down) or a bad breakup.

The girls who's parent's made all boys off limits in HS either went crazy their freshman year, or were so frightened of men they had a hard time dating at all. Or were so sheltered that they believed the first guy that told them they loved them and followed them to the ends of the earth, even if they were emotionally abusive.

Yup

[Anonymous]

I don't know what your background is, OP, but my husband is Arab Muslim and he shares a similar outlook. It's easy to enforce in a society where nobody dates. It's impossible here. Your best bet is to make sure your expectations are clear (school matters), that she's not to put up with any abuse, and discuss birth control with her.

[Anonymous]

OP here again.. worst part is to find out about BF from another parent (or parents).
I understand this is a different culture, and there is a bit of health education but you don't know what your kid could run into.. especially
when at this age they may possibly lack the capacity to think clearly when making decisions ... Or who knows, today's teens are
far more smart than we give them credit for...

[Anonymous]

OP- You have to realize there are decisions you will not be able to make for DS--when to have sex, whether to drink, do drugs, smoke or watch porn. These are all things she will have to decide. If your approach is--Don't, just don't. She will have no ability to make the right decision for her. So your job is to teach her about the risks (and rewards)--sex feels good both physycally and emotionally, but here are the physical and emotional risks. And not just once, but regularly. She needs to know you trust her as she grows up into an adult. "You will be making decisions that could have life altering consequences. I want to be there to help you figure out what is best for you. You know that as a teen, you might not see things from all angles. I promise I won't get mad at you. I promise I will help you make the best, most safe decision for you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.. worst part is to find out about BF from another parent (or parents).
I understand this is a different culture, and there is a bit of health education but you don't know what your kid could run into.. especially
when at this age they may possibly lack the capacity to think clearly when making decisions ... Or who knows, today's teens are
far more smart than we give them credit for...

If you have cultural reasons for opposing dating, fine. That is one of many ways to parent. Then don't defend by referencing bad decision making. There is no teen in history who hears that without taking it as an insult.