'closed' adoption agencies

[Anonymous]

I am originally from DC, but live on the West Coast now... It seems that open adoptions are all the rage. And I just don't think that it would work for my family. I truly don't think I want the birth mother involved in my child's life forever and ever. Should they meet at some point? Sure and the fact of adoption won't be kept a mystery. But I certainly can't imagine that person joining our lives the way these agencies seem to indicate is "equally satisfying".

I don't know if background matters, but we are a mixed (african american & white), heterosexual family without any religious affiliation. We have one young child, but fertility treatments have failed to help me bring another to term. Not open to foster-to-adopt at this time, though I have two friends who have done this and it is AMAZING how their families have come together.

Any recommendations for solid agencies?

[Anonymous]

It is the birth mother's choice if it is open or closed. My adoption is basically closed. Just 1 letter and 5 photos per year for first 5 years. I got lucky. Specify to the agency that you are only interested in closed adoptions, but do not go into it thinking that the agency determines wether the adoption is closed or open. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

The priority in adoption needs to be placed on meeting the needs of children, and of the first mothers. For an agency to only do one kind of adoption (open, closed, semi-open, whatever) would be unethical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the birth mother's choice if it is open or closed. My adoption is basically closed. Just 1 letter and 5 photos per year for first 5 years. I got lucky. Specify to the agency that you are only interested in closed adoptions, but do not go into it thinking that the agency determines wether the adoption is closed or open. Good luck!

It's not supposed to be about YOU. It should be about the child.

[Anonymous]

I am also the first poster to respond to the OP. Of course, the child's best interest is the most important BUT the potential adoptive parents deserve choices, too- for example, closed vs open. IMO, the child's well-being is more about the adoptive parents providing a wonderful home than 'open vs. closed.' There are many birth mothers who prefer closed adoptions, too, and will pick the adoptive parent accordingly. Same for birth moms who want an open adoption.

[Anonymous]

"Open adoption" can mean anything from weekly visits from the bio parents to a yearly letter from the adoptive parents. As an adoptive parent, you can ask for anything you want but know that the more restrictions you impose, the longer it will be. We have a letter twice a year arrangement and it works fine.

[Anonymous]

"Open" just means your identities are known to each other. It doesn't mean you're agreeing to weekly contact.

OP, you need to do some research. You're thinking more about you than your child.

Adoption is about finding homes for children, NOT about finding children for homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Open" just means your identities are known to each other. It doesn't mean you're agreeing to weekly contact.

OP, you need to do some research. You're thinking more about you than your child.

Adoption is about finding homes for children, NOT about finding children for homes.

Yes. True. However, OP can request her wishes.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say how appreciative I am to see a few posts acknowledging that adoptive parents can have some degree of preference in terms of knowing what works best for their family.

Yes, adoption should always put the best interest of the child first but if the OP knows that open adoption wouldn't work for her family, then isn't it in the best interest of the child to be honest about that now and seek a match with a birth parent who shares a preference for a closed adoption? That doesn't mean they wouldn't be open and honest early on with their child about adoption and may even support the child's desire for a meeting as an adult but if they don't want contact after birth and there are birth mothers who feel the same way, what is the harm in requesting this?

Research shows that open adoptions work very well and this happens to be the type of adoption I am currently pursuing. But closed adoptions can also be successful for all involved. The OP shouldn't be judged for specifying a preference. I get a bit tired of this "beggars can't be choosers" attitude that's often thrown at adoptive parents, like their feelings shouldn't matter at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the birth mother's choice if it is open or closed. My adoption is basically closed. Just 1 letter and 5 photos per year for first 5 years. I got lucky. Specify to the agency that you are only interested in closed adoptions, but do not go into it thinking that the agency determines wether the adoption is closed or open. Good luck!

It's not supposed to be about YOU. It should be about the child.

that is not lucky. That is selfish and your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how appreciative I am to see a few posts acknowledging that adoptive parents can have some degree of preference in terms of knowing what works best for their family.

Yes, adoption should always put the best interest of the child first but if the OP knows that open adoption wouldn't work for her family, then isn't it in the best interest of the child to be honest about that now and seek a match with a birth parent who shares a preference for a closed adoption? That doesn't mean they wouldn't be open and honest early on with their child about adoption and may even support the child's desire for a meeting as an adult but if they don't want contact after birth and there are birth mothers who feel the same way, what is the harm in requesting this?

Research shows that open adoptions work very well and this happens to be the type of adoption I am currently pursuing. But closed adoptions can also be successful for all involved. The OP shouldn't be judged for specifying a preference. I get a bit tired of this "beggars can't be choosers" attitude that's often thrown at adoptive parents, like their feelings shouldn't matter at all.

Very well said. This politically correct crap about it being all and only about the child is nonsense, and does a disservice to adoptive parents.

[Anonymous]

Do your research and find an ethical agency. It is common sense that the adoptive parents should have a say in how the adoption proceeds. There are perfectly valid reasons for wishing the placement to be "closed", as well as "open".

Not every birth mother wishes to maintain a relationship with the adoptive parents or even the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say how appreciative I am to see a few posts acknowledging that adoptive parents can have some degree of preference in terms of knowing what works best for their family.

Yes, adoption should always put the best interest of the child first but if the OP knows that open adoption wouldn't work for her family, then isn't it in the best interest of the child to be honest about that now and seek a match with a birth parent who shares a preference for a closed adoption? That doesn't mean they wouldn't be open and honest early on with their child about adoption and may even support the child's desire for a meeting as an adult but if they don't want contact after birth and there are birth mothers who feel the same way, what is the harm in requesting this?

Research shows that open adoptions work very well and this happens to be the type of adoption I am currently pursuing. But closed adoptions can also be successful for all involved. The OP shouldn't be judged for specifying a preference. I get a bit tired of this "beggars can't be choosers" attitude that's often thrown at adoptive parents, like their feelings shouldn't matter at all.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your research and find an ethical agency. It is common sense that the adoptive parents should have a say in how the adoption proceeds. There are perfectly valid reasons for wishing the placement to be "closed", as well as "open".

Not every birth mother wishes to maintain a relationship with the adoptive parents or even the child.

Pus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the birth mother's choice if it is open or closed. My adoption is basically closed. Just 1 letter and 5 photos per year for first 5 years. I got lucky. Specify to the agency that you are only interested in closed adoptions, but do not go into it thinking that the agency determines wether the adoption is closed or open. Good luck!

It's not supposed to be about YOU. It should be about the child.

that is not lucky. That is selfish and your child will pick up on it and act accordingly.

That is lucky. Birth mom and adoptive mom got their choice of closed, and child is thriving!!