DD stopped confiding in me...

[Anonymous]

DD used to confide in me and now she doesn't like to tell me anything. Every now and then she will vent about something just a little. But as soon as I respond, she shuts down and says she doesn't want to talk about it.

She has a lot of social issues to work through. She needs help and I want to be there for her. Sometimes she really is being treated unfairly by her friends/peers, but often it is her own fault. I am not gong to sit back and feel sorry for her when I witnessed her bad attitude. So I call her out on it when I see it. I'm sure that this is why she shuts down, but what else can I do? People tell me that it's just adolescence and she will figure it out. But she's 14 and she has been this way since preschool. It's not getting any better. I would like to take her to a counselor, but she would hate me for it. I'm afraid it would make things worse.

I just want her to feel like she can talk to me again. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Don't pry. It'll just make things worse.

Also, when she DOES talk, don't try to tell her what to do to fix things.

[Anonymous]

Read: How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.

Not sure it will help much, though, you seem pretty set on setting her right. You will NOT get anywhere by calling her out.

Strongly suggest thinking differently or it will be a long and destructive next four years.

[Anonymous]

DEFINITELY don't take her to a counselor. At the most extreme, ask her if she's interested in talking to a counselor at some neutral point in time. Or let her know that if she's ever interested, you're happy to help her find one "because I know that sometimes it's really helpful bounce things off a someone else in a safe space."

That said, she might rather talk to you and feel like you're trying to pawn her off on a stranger. It'll probably take time. Try to keep your judgements to yourself and create space for her to tell you things. My dad always took car rides with me as an adolescent. He was a night owl and would randomly asked if I wanted to go for a ride, usually around 8 or 9 after it had gotten dark. We'd put on music and head out with no destination. Stop for slurpies, watch the moon rise over Manhattan (NJ girl). Talk about all kinds of things. It was a staple of my childhood and really kept me anchored. He did a lot of listening and a lot of asking (neutral) questions. Whenever he had his own take on a topic, it was always on a different subject--never related to my personal experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD used to confide in me and now she doesn't like to tell me anything. Every now and then she will vent about something just a little. But as soon as I respond, she shuts down and says she doesn't want to talk about it.

She has a lot of social issues to work through. She needs help and I want to be there for her. Sometimes she really is being treated unfairly by her friends/peers, but often it is her own fault. I am not gong to sit back and feel sorry for her when I witnessed her bad attitude. So I call her out on it when I see it. I'm sure that this is why she shuts down, but what else can I do? People tell me that it's just adolescence and she will figure it out. But she's 14 and she has been this way since preschool. It's not getting any better. I would like to take her to a counselor, but she would hate me for it. I'm afraid it would make things worse.

I just want her to feel like she can talk to me again. Any suggestions?

She's not confiding in you because you're criticizing and trying to problem solve instead of letting her talk about her feelings and figure it out herself. Listen, don't judge.

Maybe read How to Talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk? http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read: How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.

Not sure it will help much, though, you seem pretty set on setting her right. You will NOT get anywhere by calling her out.

Strongly suggest thinking differently or it will be a long and destructive next four years.

OP here. I understand and realize that something needs to change. But when I see dd walk into a room full of friends with a grumpy look on her face, sits by herself, and complains later that they were ignoring her...what would you say to that? I'm not being snide here. I really want to know how I am supposed to react!

[Anonymous]

Focus on validating her feelings instead of telling her how she wrong.

[Anonymous]

You have received two suggestions for the Adele favor book in the first few posts.

Get the teen one, and read it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read: How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.

Not sure it will help much, though, you seem pretty set on setting her right. You will NOT get anywhere by calling her out.

Strongly suggest thinking differently or it will be a long and destructive next four years.

OP here. I understand and realize that something needs to change. But when I see dd walk into a room full of friends with a grumpy look on her face, sits by herself, and complains later that they were ignoring her...what would you say to that? I'm not being snide here. I really want to know how I am supposed to react!

I would start off by saying that must feel very lonely for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD used to confide in me and now she doesn't like to tell me anything. Every now and then she will vent about something just a little. But as soon as I respond, she shuts down and says she doesn't want to talk about it.

She has a lot of social issues to work through. She needs help and I want to be there for her. Sometimes she really is being treated unfairly by her friends/peers, but often it is her own fault. I am not gong to sit back and feel sorry for her when I witnessed her bad attitude. So I call her out on it when I see it. I'm sure that this is why she shuts down, but what else can I do? People tell me that it's just adolescence and she will figure it out. But she's 14 and she has been this way since preschool. It's not getting any better. I would like to take her to a counselor, but she would hate me for it. I'm afraid it would make things worse.

I just want her to feel like she can talk to me again. Any suggestions?

She's not confiding in you because you're criticizing and trying to problem solve instead of letting her talk about her feelings and figure it out herself. Listen, don't judge.

Maybe read How to Talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk? http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889

As a parent with a tween who has tried this method for years, I can say it's not always the best approach. Kids can't always figure out why things or going wrong or problem solve. They often continually try the same tactics over and over. They often say all the right things to you as a parent but don't put them into practice. I found I had to listen and then offer a few strategies to solve issues. I didn't say which one to choose but I did say to choose one and do it. If I had just kept listening and mirroring, she would have gained nothing and continued to go round and round. Once she really had concrete ideas and was basically told to do one of them, things improved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have received two suggestions for the Adele favor book in the first few posts.

Get the teen one, and read it.

l

*fabor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have received two suggestions for the Adele favor book in the first few posts.

Get the teen one, and read it.

l

*fabor.

+1 to all the PPs who have recommended this book. It is a really good start on learning how to validate your child's feelings.

OP--your DD simply isn't going to confide in you the way she might have done when she was younger. But if you are consciously engaging in validating behaviors with her you greatly up the chances she will come to you with issues. Do not jump into solutions immediately--teens (and just about everyone else for that matter) need to be heard out first. At some point along the way, after thoroughly hearing her out, you may be able to ask something like do you want me to help brainstorm some solutions. Always respect a no answer but let her know you are available if she wants to bounce ideas off of you.

[Anonymous]

You're not "being there for her." Stop giving suggestions. Stop critiquing her behavior. When she talks, YOU LISTEN. You say "Ohh" and "Wow" and "Wait, was that Jasmyn or Liza who said that?" and you practice active listening. You do NOT say "Well maybe if you didn't slink in with a chip on your shoulder more people would have talked to you and you'd have had a good time. You cause your own problems; can't you see that?" Who on earth would want to talk to that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read: How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.

Not sure it will help much, though, you seem pretty set on setting her right. You will NOT get anywhere by calling her out.

Strongly suggest thinking differently or it will be a long and destructive next four years.

OP here. I understand and realize that something needs to change. But when I see dd walk into a room full of friends with a grumpy look on her face, sits by herself, and complains later that they were ignoring her...what would you say to that? I'm not being snide here. I really want to know how I am supposed to react!

I would start off by saying that must feel very lonely for her.

And then I would ask questions--about how she felt, about how she acted, about why she acted that way, about how her friends might have interpreted that, about what she might try next time, etc. Rather than "calling her out," help her figure it out and work out her own solutions. She needs guidance, not just criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read: How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.

Not sure it will help much, though, you seem pretty set on setting her right. You will NOT get anywhere by calling her out.

Strongly suggest thinking differently or it will be a long and destructive next four years.

OP here. I understand and realize that something needs to change. But when I see dd walk into a room full of friends with a grumpy look on her face, sits by herself, and complains later that they were ignoring her...what would you say to that? I'm not being snide here. I really want to know how I am supposed to react!

I would sympathize with her feelings, and then instead of telling her how it is, I would ask questions to understand better how it is. Right now, you're jumping to conclusions -- you see a grumpy look and friends ignoring her, and you're assuming the answer is that if she lost the grumpy look her friends wouldn't ignore her. But maybe her friends started ignoring her earlier, and the grumpy look is because she's now anticipating/anxious about the ongoing exclusion. Or maybe she was legitimately unhappy about something and was hoping to get some support from her friends but they didn't respond. She is the one in the middle of the situation, and it's important to respect the fact that she may know/understand things you don't. A simple, "I'm sorry, that sounds awful. Why do you think they did that?" might get you a lot further with her.