Potluck people come in….I need insight on your reasons

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of my friends are horribly afraid to open their homes to others. I don’t know why. So when 10 of us get together regularly but only 3 feel comfortable hosting after the 5th time I feel like others need to contribute.

Contribute is one thing, potluck is another. There's a huge difference to me between the hosts saying "can you bring a salad or dessert?" when they invite us (the answer to which is pretty much always yes) and sending around a spreadsheet with stuff you need to sign up for.

Also, as people who are very good at cooking and will do a good job with our contribution, I resent potlucks because I know many/most other people will not. We'll show up with a carefully thought out side or main that we put time into planning and executing, and half of the other guests will show up with something they grabbed from the grocery store on the way over. If they remember at all -- I've been to potlucks where there basically was no main because someone forgot to bring meat for grilling or something (I also think it's obnoxious for the hosts not to just plan the main and farm out the sides/apps/dessert).

Some people can't host for whatever reason (small house, pets, they are hoarders, I don't know) but that's not an excuse for planning potlucks for all your hosting gigs and doing a piss poor job even at that.

We entertain a lot. DH and I are great cooks and we have the infrastructure to host at least two large parties (50+ people) with lavish menu for food and drinks a year. I actually do not ask people to contribute at all. My SIL who I trust will usually tackle 2 entrees and a dessert for me. I do the same when they have their parties. Most people, I do not want their cooking contribution because I do not trust their cooking skills, quality of ingredients or the quantity of food they will bring.

DH and I are immigrants who belong to a culture of hosting and reciprocity. How do you handle people either not reciprocating or asking me to bring a dish, when they are coming to my house for meals that are not potlucks? Very easily. A potluck is a different beast. It requires no reciprocity because your price for entry is the food you make. Having said that, I have no problems saying "no" to potlucks, even if it is a bait and switch invite that starts off as a "dinner" invite.
Potluck Host : "Hey, are you guys free for dinner on Friday?"
Me : "Sure. What time?"
Potluck Host : "Around 5 pm. What do you think you can bring?"
Me : "Oh, is it a potluck? Thank God! Sorry, we will pass this time. I thought it was a dinner and we normally do not decline dinners even if we are double booked. I have a cocktail party to go to that day. We should get together some other time. "

So what do I do with getting together with people? I usually put together a tea, coffee, wine party with the casual friends/coworkers/neighbors with lots of appetizers (costco, homemade). I have no expectation of reciprocity or even they contributing anything. Some people will come with store bought cookies, cakes etc and that is fine. Otherwise, I am doing a very casual and low cost entertaining with the ladies only. Their DHs and their kids are not invited.

What about potluck parties? I do have a neighborhood group of 10 families and we have a monthly potluck. It is around 20 people. We take turns to host and we have perfected the potluck format. For example, the host provides drinks (alcohol and non-alcohol) and chips/nut, 1 appetizer, rice/bread, salad, 1 entree and 1 dessert. Then they share the menu with specific dishes required. Usually appetizers, entrees and dessert. The menu is created by the host. The other families can choose to bring whatever they want from the fixed menu. Next, we have a standard measurement pan that they have to bring food in. Its a 1/2 size 2 9/16" deep disposable aluminum food pan, and you have to fill it to a certain level. All food is warmed in disposable chafing dishs and as the families walk in, they place their contribution on the warming chafing pans so that the hostess does not have to warm the food. At the end of the party, food is divvied up in 10 places in tupperware for everyone.

I have seen that people usually will not contribute properly to potlucks, by bringing the lamest food ever. It used to happen a lot during our neighborhood potlucks which anyone could participate. Now, I usually tell everyone that we are ordering pizza and they have to pay and preorder. BYOB.

Yes, we too have many people who seem to be hoarders, have pets, cannot cook, cannot spend money etc. They will never reciprocate and so to accomodate them, I sometimes will host an event at a restaurant and then whoever attends can pay for the buffet.

OP, you really have to meet these people where they are. And feel free to turn down potlucks or insist that people go to lunch at a restaurant and pay for their meal. And a Potluck does not have to be reciprocated. You already paid for your admittence by bringing in food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I do have regular dinner parties where I provide all the food and plan the entire menu, but I also participate in two different types of potlucks -

1) a supper club - four couples who rotate hosting and picking the theme/type of cuisine then assign parts of the dinner to the rest of the group. Usually the host does the main but other members provide appetizer, sides and desserts. The idea is the dishes are all pretty elaborate so you are divvying up the effort and can make fairly elaborate dishes that you might otherwise not attempt. Plus we all get a chance to try making some new dishes.

2) a larger group potluck - school/sports team group of 20+ couples or families. In this case, through a sign up genius or something people pick what they will bring so you can see the balance of stuff provided. It makes everyone feel like they've contributed something and the host isn't overburdened. Always seems to work pretty well.

These seem reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love a good potluck. I grew up with over the top ones in the South--church or family or friends. My kids' public elementary school in Arlington used to have one regularly that was fun to see people show off their ethnic specialties (I was introduced to pancit--yum!). I agree the swim team ones were a disappointment, but mostly in my school or social group, it's a chance to show off. Love it.

I think this touches on the difference between a good potluck and a bad one. Participants from a good potluck culture have a sense of pride in their contribution. It's embarrassing to bring something crappy to the church potluck where I'm from, so the spread is pretty good!

A potluck for work, social groups, sports teams, churches are not the home potlucks that Op is referring to.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m a bit rigid for our parties/open houses. If it’s large we cater and hire bartenders. I would absolutely not have guests bring anything.

However, trying to be less rigid. My hobby group mentioned an end of season get-together and I mentioned my house is 5 minutes and very central. One gal said, great, we can do a potluck!

She’s generously recognized that I’ve got the venue and I think we’ll each bring something and see how it goes! There’s only a dozen of us, so not like a church thing or a swim banquet or rotating thing.

[Anonymous]

I always aim to be invited to my Indian friends potlucks. The food is better than at any restaurants. They usually assign me the raita or dessert and we get to enjoy the food and the company.

[Anonymous]

There is definitely a time and place for potlucks. If we're hosting a dinner or a specific event, we're not going to do a potluck. If guests bring a bottle of wine or a store-bought dessert, that's great but not expected. We'll do everything else.

If we're providing the "location," like a casual neighborhood gathering or casual Fourth of July picnic, we'll do a potluck. I don't want lack of time to prevent people from getting together so potlucks are perfect for casual, fun, just hanging out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, I never expect a hostess gift and frankly, don’t want one. While I appreciate generosity, that custom is one I see no need for. I host if I want to host, not to accumulate stuff.

Second, potlucks are just tradition in some areas. Usually it’s when people are all reasonably close and recognize that sharing the duty of providing the food lightens the load for the host and can be fun. My parents and families we were close with regularly had potlucks and everyone remembered the dip so and so would always bring, or another family’s usual dessert, etc.

I love hosting and enjoy serving what I hope is an appealing meal. I always end up with too much, but that’s part of the fun of it - making sure there’s something for everyone and no one goes home hungry. If someone invited me to a potluck, I’d happily bring along a dish to share - but I’m also confident in my ability to bring a killer dessert or appetizer. It’s not a burden to me to bake something delicious to share with people, especially not people I really like.

There’s something that you shared at the end that really gave me pause “ It’s not a burden to me to bake something delicious to share with people, especially not people I really like.” I really appreciate this insight. It’s a beautiful and selfless way to think. Thank you

Aw, you’re welcome! I’m glad that sentence resonated with you.

And that said, I also understand people who cringe at potlucks because they don’t like to or can’t cook well - I have a good friend like that. So, I completely understand if that’s how someone feels. I learned how to bake when I was a teenager and it’s something I enjoy sharing. If someone who I know doesn’t like to cook asks what they can bring, I leave it up to them or suggest something they can easily buy, like cheese and crackers or fruit salad. OP, I appreciate your openness to different perspectives!

Op here. Thanks. I have been blessed to be pretty proficient in the kitchen as well. This is why your message resonated with me. Not everyone has this skill and seeing it as an opportunity to be a blessing to someone rather than being frustrated about being asked is such a better perspective to have. I think so many of the responses have been extremely helpful but this one especially pulled at my heart strings and has given me a different outlook.

Rather than responding to each and every person (which is what I was trying to do in the beginning ☺️) I would like to thank each of you for weighing in and helping me jump on the potluck bandwagon. I don’t see myself having one on my own anytime soon but when invited I will definitely be more gracious and accept the invite whole heartedly.

Also to my fellow rigid poster, I love that you are also trying to be open. I hope your pending potluck goes well and that you make some amazing long lasting friends from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a lot of this in my social group which means a lot of potlucks. I think the main difference is that we see it is simply getting together rather than a formal, hosting duty. We are a casual group. But even when we do have a more formal party in my group, we all ask “what can we bring”?

Quoting myself and replying to your update. Good luck on any future potluck!

Just clearing up at my fondness for potlucks is limited to my friend group because I know their cleanliness and sanitary standards. I am much less likely to be excited about a swim team or church potluck. In fact, for any end of the year swim team banquet, I will only eat my food or the food of people I know very well.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this is wild. These rigid ideas around what's "proper" for socializing is probably why American adults have so few friends. I can't imagine declining an invitation because I had to bring a dish, especially for all of you who apparently pride yourselves on being excellent cooks. Don't you enjoy the chance to share a favorite recipe with friends?

I have a big group of friends and we hang out at someone's place at least once a week, with our kids. It's a big burden for the host to plan and provide a meal for that many families, especially if it's a weeknight. Potlucks take the pressure off the host. It's fun to see what people make and try a bunch of different things. It's easier with kids too because with that many dishes there's bound to be something they like.

But if this is offensive to you, by all means, stay home.

[Anonymous]

We do both- I host nice sit down dinners and do everything myself for 10 or fewer people and if it's bigger than that, my good friends will bring side dishes/apps/desserts...
I have no issue when someone asks me to bring something to their potluck dinner- if I don't feel like cooking I can bring a prepared food from the store or a restaurant- totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this is wild. These rigid ideas around what's "proper" for socializing is probably why American adults have so few friends. I can't imagine declining an invitation because I had to bring a dish, especially for all of you who apparently pride yourselves on being excellent cooks. Don't you enjoy the chance to share a favorite recipe with friends?

I have a big group of friends and we hang out at someone's place at least once a week, with our kids. It's a big burden for the host to plan and provide a meal for that many families, especially if it's a weeknight. Potlucks take the pressure off the host. It's fun to see what people make and try a bunch of different things. It's easier with kids too because with that many dishes there's bound to be something they like.

But if this is offensive to you, by all means, stay home.

I really wish you wouldn’t bring negativity into this thread. This conversation has been fairly friendly thus far.

[Anonymous]

My friend circle does potlucks once a month or so. We're all busy with kids, jobs, etc. so if we waited for somebody to "host-host" a formal sit-down dinner party we'd hardly ever get together.

We do heavy apps and wine - everybody brings something to share and we don't worry much about whether it all "goes" together - it's not really about the food or showing off your cooking skills. The food is ancillary to us getting together and socializing in a low key, low stress way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course I never expect a hostess gift.

Not sure what your kid situation is, but I am in the trenches with 3 kids and I only throw crappy dinner parties & this is what my friends and I like to do:

https://www.thekitchn.com/5-rules-for-hosting-a-crappy-dinner-party-235815

I absolutely love this!
I want to start a crappy dinner party movement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all let me say that I respect anyone that is willing to open up their house to host. I recognize that we as a society are getting away from this more and more. There’s just one thing I’m struggling with and that is the Potluck, bring a dish invite. It just feels so weird to be invited somewhere and then be told that I need to bring a dish to pass. If you are one of these people can you provide insight into your why and if you also expect a hostess gift from your guests?

I host in my home and do so when I am able to provide the entire meal for my guests. If money/time is tight, I open my home up to dessert and drinks only at the proper time, but never ask guests to bring anything as it feels like I am putting them out by asking them to bring a dish especially when it’s for a large number of people. I am not being snarky. I really would like to hear from you all on this as I recognize that this isn’t going to ever change as it’s becoming more prevalent and I need to either change my perspective or just continue to decline these invites as they aren’t convenient for me or comfortable for me. Thanks

So- it doesn't feel like this for other people. Sometimes friends want to get together and for whatever reason, a certain person can handle hosting (which is such a kindness right there) but not preparing all that food. Some friends groups are very comfortable with this sort of thing. A lot of friend groups also rotate hosting so there would be no reason to feel bad. My mom does this, and the host usually provides extra meals.

[Anonymous]

I personally hate both hosting and attending potlucks but it seems like the norm to at least have attendees bring an appetizer or a dessert.