Crappy partner, Good Dad- sound familiar?

[Anonymous]

Am I better off without him? Yes. Is my child better off without him? No.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

Me and s/o have been living together for 3 years. Soon after he moved in, I had an unplanned pregnancy. Our relationship and friendship has deteriorated in this short time, and I'm pregnant with # 2 (unplanned again).

Our friendship has crumbled. We've known each other for nearly a decade, when he was in a better position. I am the breadwinner and pretty much the sole-provider/head of household. I handle all the financials, all the major household decisions, and the day-to-day. I do everything. His contributions to the household include and are limited to: mowing the grass, taking out trash, exterminating, and walking the dogs. I think over time this has bruised his over-inflated ego and now he feels the need to cut me down whenever he has any opportunity to find fault in something I did "wrong". I find him overreacting and criticizing the most minute things, just to raise his voice and exert his sense of dominance.

Frankly, I laugh on the inside and realize he is a complete idiot. In heated arguments I've called him out on this and probably am guilty of emasculating him. I've learned from my mistakes since then and have not fed into his bait and switch type confrontations in almost a year.

I'm excluded from many couples' events, but am often invited to lunch or dinner dates solo. It really hurt to find out my best friends went on a couples weekend getaway and felt like they needed it to hide it from me. He does nothing to support or encourage me, nothing thoughtful, and honestly has pretty much ruined every holiday, celebration, or event for me lately.

On the flip side, he is a very caring, loving, and good dad. Although we don't see eye to eye on all parenting things (ie. set dinner times, routines, etc), he is a good disciplinarian and makes my life as a mom easier. When he comes home he spends almost every minute with him, gives him a bath, and puts him down to sleep (I am drained by 4pm and very much looking forward to the relief).

Wouldn't a nanny do the same? Pretty sure it would cost less than supporting him. Every now and then he'll give me a couple hundred dollars--- no where near half the monthly bills or expenses or the massive credit card bills he's amassed for us.

I know it's time to cut the cords on our relationship, but I do like having him in the house and can't stomach the guilt of tossing him out. He's up for counseling, but like with everything else-- there is no follow through. And I don't feel like I need to fork over all the money if he won't make a concerted effort.

When we do get in fights he threatens me that he will move out of state with some BS shared custody. One time we got in a fight he kept harassing me, so to get him off me i scratched him hard before calling the cops. He took pictures and claims he can file domestic abuse against me. No judge in his or her right mind would give a chronic pot smoker with massive debt, limited work experience, no credit, no car, and no health insurance shared custody. Because of this I am prepared to leave him off baby #2's birth certificate. I have a large, supportive family that can help me with childcare, once I have to swallow the "I told you so" commentaries.

[Anonymous]

Yikes OP! Just Yikes.

If you stay w/this freeloading poor excuse for a man, you will only be selling yourself as well as your child(ren) short in life.

Sounds to me like this situation is going to get progressively worse as the years go on, and by the time your kids are in middle school (or even before), you may be serving time in a looney bin for what this man can + would do to you.

I say get out right now. Once you have your second child it will be tougher because then you will possibly be more dependent on him for childcare and the second child will have had time to form a bond w/his father too.

Suck it up regarding your family. For the sake of your sanity, you will just have to swallow your pride for now.

Ask for as much assistance as possible from them + leave this loser schmuck. Do not let his threats intimidate you. He is obviously using old-fashioned manipulation tactics to get what he wants. It's all a power trip to him.

Congrats on your new baby and I sincerely hope that you and the children embark on a brand new life away from this negativity.

[Anonymous]

Get out before baby #2. Don't leave him off birth certificate (you both know he's the dad, he'll want a relationship with the child, it's a passive aggressive move, etc.).

He won't get custody. He may get shared custody. Be prepared for that. But not if he moves out of state.

He sounds underemployed and largely unmotivated in life. He will approach attorney fees and the custodial battle similarly. i.e., he'll kick up a huge verbal fuss and then not go through with or muck up the legal process. As scary as it sounds, I wouldn't worry about that part.

He sounds like he loves DC #1. Hopefully he will with DC #2. If he's as good of a parent as you say, he could make a good co-parent. He may fall apart without you there to keep daily life running though, so don't count on him. Arrange help with family and move on.

As a father, he sounds loving. That's great. As a partner, he sounds like dead weight. Sorry to be blunt. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you both need therapy. Unplanned pregnancy??? Come on, it's 2014 and you're grown.

[Anonymous]

2 unplanned pregnancies? You need to start taking responsibility for your actions.

[Anonymous]

He may very well get joint custody, and you will be paying him child support. Besides if he is a great dad, why would you take that away from your kid(s)? Much better to divorce a good dad than a bad one, since you can trust him with your kids. Also he can dye for parental rights for #2, so you better start consulting a lawyer.
Also, two unplanned pregnancies with someone you describe as a deadbeat? Take control of your life.

[Anonymous]

Don't leave him off the birth certificate!! End the relationship and go forward as a single parent, absolutely.
But he is their dad and has the right to be in their lives, and if he is indeed a good dad then that will be better for the kids, too. It doesn't sound like you're married so I don't know how child support will work but you chose him as a partner and procreated with him twice and can't just make that go away - you will have to comply with whatever the court rules for BOTH children. But yes, end the relationship...it has clearly become toxic.

[Anonymous]

Try therapy first, the grass isn't always greener, and you guys might actually be able to reconnect in a meaningful way. If you had more respect for him, your friends would as well. Sounds like you're both in a pattern of behavior/treating each other that you might be able to try and step out of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't leave him off the birth certificate!! End the relationship and go forward as a single parent, absolutely.
But he is their dad and has the right to be in their lives, and if he is indeed a good dad then that will be better for the kids, too. It doesn't sound like you're married so I don't know how child support will work but you chose him as a partner and procreated with him twice and can't just make that go away - you will have to comply with whatever the court rules for BOTH children. But yes, end the relationship...it has clearly become toxic.

And just to add, it will be to everyone's benefit if you and your SO have an amicable relationship moving forward. Leaving him off the birth certificate is a terrible start. Think about what's best for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Are you a teen mom? What adult woman doesn't know how to use birth control?

You deserve your life. Good job ruining it.

[Anonymous]

Since they're not married, doesn't he have to sign some form, agreeing he's the father, to be put on the birth certificate? I did in another state when my girlfriend and I had a child (we're married now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 unplanned pregnancies? You need to start taking responsibility for your actions.

+ a million. not to dump on you OP but you are responsible for the situation you find yourself in now. think about that.

[Anonymous]

You sure it's his kid?

[Anonymous]

OP apparently took a wrong turn on her way to the Jerry Springer studio.

[Anonymous]

Oh, just ugh.

Do you want to be someone so awful that your friends hide their weekend plans from you? That you lash out at the father of your children by scratching him? That you indulge in the most base and childish types of arguments constantly?

If this is who you choose to be, you're on the right track. If not, get off, lady. Get thee to therapy, find a babysitter and get out of his bed until you figure out if there's enough there to build from.

Yuck.

I'm divorced because I refused to allow my husband (now ex-) to bring me low.

And, please stop with the unplanned pregnancy piece. Just leave that out from now on. It only makes you sound ridiculous.