Cousins sent nasty emails to my elderly mom....
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Anonymous
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My mom has one sister, four years older. She is 76, her sister 80. My Aunt lives out of state, across the country. For most of her adult life my mom has lived many states away from my Aunt and continues to do so. Recently my aunt came to visit. She is moving soon and mentioned to my mom that she would be, "getting rid of" some silver that belonged to their uncle. My aunt did not end up with this silver because it was left to her in a will, she was just given the silver by her uncle's third wife. When my aunt said she'd be getting rid of the silver my mom said she'd like to have it and would send my aunt a check for the postage if she'd be willing to send it to her. My aunt agreed. Fast forward six weeks or so...my mom is talking on the phone to my aunt and asks if she'd had a chance to send the silver to which my aunt responds, "no, I gave it to my daughter." My mom then says, "I think you'd rather give things to Goodwill than ever let me have something." My aunt then responds "I'll make sure you get it!" and hangs up. She has not contacted my mom since...but a day or so later my mom got two vicious emails from my aunt's kids...one blaming my mom for keeping my grandma from ever having a relationship leading to her having a long lonely life etc, etc.... Stuff that had nothing to do with the silver or anything like that. Now. I know the thing my mom said to my aunt wasn't very nice, and obviously speaks to some built up resentment on her part. For the record my mom is a very nice, typically non-confrontational person who has never as an adult had a fight with her sister. For most of their adult life they have lived a great geographical distance apart. My mom has never been anything but kind and nice to my aunt's kids (who are in their 50's by the way).
I am so shocked by this! My mom never calls my aunt out for stuff like this and she has had a pattern of dismissing my mom on things like this. But whatever they have going on between them I am really shocked that my cousins decided to step into it and send out such ugly emails over something so stupid. My one cousin told my mom that he is writing her off forever! And you might think there is clearly more involved...but I'm not even sure how! They live in California and we live in this area and have for many years. My mom sees them once every few years and that's the way it's been for so long. I'm especially upset that my one cousin tried to say my mom was responsible for my grandma's, "long, lonely life." My grandma died 20 years ago first of all and second my mom lived here and my grandma there, they were close but my mom never interfered in her life...she couldn't have prevented something like that i she'd wanted to. Thanks for reading if you get this far. I'm not sure there is really anything to say but I just feel bad for my mom. She's always so nice and when she says one thing she gets this thrown at her. (she is not nearly as upset by this as I am...more confused) |
Anonymous
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Ugh. I'm trying hard to come up with some good advice. My half-brother did something like this to my mom and me (though not as extensive, it sounds like, but similarly hurtful) - she is his step-mom. We just cut him off. I blocked his email address and wrote back something like, "I'm sorry if XYZ offended you. I was trying to be supportive and blah, blah, blah. I would appreciate if you would not attack my efforts to, this that and the other."
I'm sorry - because you can't unsay things and your cousins stink! |
Anonymous
| Your mom was wrong and she opened up a can of resentments. You obviously do not know everything about the sisters. Do not get involved. |
Anonymous
What my mom said wasn't very nice, I agree. Although why my aunt would agree to give her something if she wanted it for someone else I don't understand. Her exact words were she was "getting rid of it." I am not involved (other than venting on here). Why would my cousins get involved? And they said very very vicious things to my 76 year old mother. I know pretty much the extent of the sister's relationship and there isn't anything shocking hidden. We all vacationed together a few months before this happened. You tell me I shouldn't get involved...do you think it was appropriate for my cousins to send such bizarre and insulting emails? I agree siblings should be left to work this stuff out on their own. |
Anonymous
| Perhaps the aunt told a different story to her children. 2 sides to every story... |
Anonymous
| This sounds like tit for tat. |
Anonymous
Well this is part of what is confusing to my mom; obviously my aunt has been telling her children (who are not children at all...50 somethings) some strange things over the years for them to come up with some of this stuff. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like my family. My mother and her siblings fought over their inheritance for decades in the courts. As a result, my uncle's daughter publicly cut off all of her cousins, including me. She and her mother have spread lies and rumors about the rest of the family. Oh well. It's their loss. OP, I would say that 1. You don't know the full story, your mother could have done something, minor probably, which 2. got dramatized and exaggerated by the aunt and led to your cousins' resentment. 3. Or, your mother could have done something terrible! Less likely, I agree. Moral: never let resentment fester over generations - it's poisonous beyond belief. |
Anonymous
| moral of the story, melt down all precious metals and convert everything to currency so that it can be evenly divided without emotions. |
Anonymous
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I think it's weird that your cousins made a point of lashing out at your mom like that.
It sounds like her sister has been nursing many past resentments and sharing them with her kids, including about their mom although it's 20 years too late to address it. I wouldn't respond to your cousins or aunt. Your mom probably won't get the silverware, but more unfortunately it sounds like the resentments are here to stay. |
Anonymous
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Don't get caught up in ancient sibling rivalries.
My dad and his brothers have a lifetime of grudges. I am eternally astonished at how grown, otherwise rational, highly intelligent, charming men are reduced to squabbling brats because some comment or ancestral item triggers a grudge from when they were 4 or 14 or whatever. It's nuts. I have long since given up trying to make peace when the sources of the issues stem from decades before i was born. I refuse to engage/get involved in their bickering and they wax and wane in their willingness to deal with each other. |
Anonymous
| OP it sounds like a set up to me. Who says they "have some silver" then asks for postage only? That is the bait and your mom took it. Then she said she felt hurt and the aunt got her DCs into it. Long standing resentment there. best try to make peace with both your cousins and your mom and stay out of it. delete the ugly emails, and try to move past it. I know it is hard, but you are very unlikely to resolve this. just support your mom and do not retaliate to your cousins. |
Anonymous
Anyone who says this has an ulterior motive -- like looking out for their inheritance from mom. |
Anonymous
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Your Mom should copy any of the nasty emails - lump them together and respond with a short apology for any misunderstanding (not that she was in the wrong)
Here is the important point - she should then email this is however she likes. The daughters will either be embarrassed or they won't depending on their conscience. However, it doesn't seem like any silver plate is worth keeping any communication going with these people. |
Anonymous
| there is obvious more to the conflicted relationship between your mom and aunt for your mom to be so snarky. Likely your mom has just told you that geographic distance is the reason she wasn't close to her mom or sister but it sounds like there is a lot more there. Maybe your mom was a t fault for it, maybe she wasn't. Your cousins have obviously heard a different side to the story - maybe they were privy to other details over the years of conflict and this was just one more thing. No need for them to send nasty emails at all. Your mom should just ignore. Given she wasn't close to her mother and her own sister and kids were, it makes sense for the silver to stay with those that were close. |