Women: Why do you preface your queries with "Dumb Question"?

[Anonymous]

P.S.
Sorry about the typo ::: womEN will often ...

[Anonymous]

I rarely say "dumb question", but I do have a general policy that if I'm not 100% sure about something, I won't state it as a fact. I'll preface whatever I'm saying with, "I'm pretty sure I read this somewhere..." or something similar. I think men are more likely to state things as fact and argue points when they're not sure they're right. (i've met a few women who do this, but only a few.) I think women are more likely, probably as a combination of nature and nurture, to be conversational "smoothers" instead of instigators. (not all of us, but many of us.)

If I did say "dumb question" it would probably be for something that was so obvious that I'd want to acknowledge that "yes, I should know this but due to old age/post-partum haze/general sleep deprivation, I'm blanking on the answer." And I'm very careful about who I'm talking to and in what context because some people will label you "dumb" if you acknowledge asking a "dumb" question.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP, for raising this issue with your students and on this board.

I think girls need to learn this at home AND at school. At the core, we need to teach our daughters that their questions and ideas are valuable and that they should put their thoughts out in the world without hesitation. Otherwise, they risk being overlooked, undervalued and dismissed, especially in the academic and professional worlds as they get older.

I think most people agree with the first part (that our daughters' questions and ideas are valuable), but too many women have been conditioned socially to be deferential and to cast a smaller shadow. Why? Maybe because of an outdated belief that it will make them seem more "feminine" and therefore attractive to men? (This was my grandmother's advice, which was charming given her age, but completely inappropriate given my schooling, profession and taste in men who adore strong women. )

I think a lot of women don't do this intentionally. It's part of their social conditioning, and they just don't notice the language they use and the results they get in response. A great way to help our daughters is tohelp them NOTICE when they do this (qualify their question as "dumb," or their idea as "probably wrong". The more we gently point it out, the easier it is to encourage them to speak with more confidence, and the more likely they'll notice and self-correct it in the future.

On the professional front, I've noticed that women tend to do this often because they are afraid of being called out as wrong or dumb (either directly or indirectly), so theyd rather label themselves than have someone else label them. I've seen it even in the most prestigious law firms -- brilliant women who are so afraid of being perceived as wrong that they undermine their own credibility. Again, it's a a bad habit that is surprisingly easy to correct if you decide to NOTICE what you're doing in the moment and conciously make a different choice to speak with more authority.

Language matters, and the teaching/conditioning truly starts at home. If we speak like strong women who believe in our ideas and thoughts, our daughters will learn to do the same.

P.S. Use of language on this message board is a whole different story, in my opinion. There's a culture on here that encourages people to flame posters for the slightest mistep. So I can say personally that I often use the "dumb question" language to defer hostility -- basically as a signal that I know it is probably common sense, but I'm still eager to hear what others have to say. I find it helps on this board in getting useful responses, not just people crapping all over me. But again, it's specific to the culture of this board, not "real life."

[Anonymous]

Because some questions are dumb. They just are. Most are the result of someone simply not paying attention.

Men are too stupid to realize how incredibly inept they look when they ask such quesions - to both men and women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because some questions are dumb. They just are. Most are the result of someone simply not paying attention.

Men are too stupid to realize how incredibly inept they look when they ask such quesions - to both men and women.

Of course some questions are dumb. But we all see women say it even when they have a very good question to ask. And that is the problem.

[Anonymous]

SAM2 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:... I see grown women - ATTORNEYS - in MEETINGS preface their comments/questions this way and it kills me every time. I've never once heard a man do this ....

Never? I hear men do it quite often IRL. And below are a couple well-known examples from the movies that immediately jumped to mind when I started reading this thread.

Denzel Washington from the movie Philadelphia wrote:Now, explain it to me like I'm a four-year-old ....

Columbo the detective wrote:There are a couple of loose ends I'd like to tie up. Nothing important you understand.

Just one more thing ...

I agree there are different expectations and contexts when men do it -- IMO they often say things like this for effect or for strategic reasons. But I don't think it's accurate to say men never do it. Also, while I agree many women do it out of insecurity, I've also seen plenty of women "play dumb" for strategic reasons.

It's difficult to generalize too much about these things, or to assume you always know why people are phrasing their comments in particular ways.

BTW, I really liked the comment above about the friend from Japan that said something like "just because I bow to you, don't assume I respect you." That's excellent.

PP, I think the two movie examples you posted were very different in their context/purpose than the issue raised by OP. In the first example from Philadelphia, Denzel Washington's character was really implying that Tom Hanks' perspective was so unconventional or out-of-mainstream as to be almost incomprehensible. Thus the "explain it to me like I'm a four year old" because it's not patently clear to normal adult.

In the Columbo example, Columbo is feigning casualness/nonchalance in order to lower the guard of the person he's questioning. It's clear from context that the information he's asking for IS important, and he thinks downplaying its importance will trick the other guy into revealing more than he's otherwise likely to.

[SAM2]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I think the two movie examples you posted were very different in their context/purpose than the issue raised by OP. In the first example from Philadelphia, Denzel Washington's character was really implying that Tom Hanks' perspective was so unconventional or out-of-mainstream as to be almost incomprehensible. Thus the "explain it to me like I'm a four year old" because it's not patently clear to normal adult.

In the Columbo example, Columbo is feigning casualness/nonchalance in order to lower the guard of the person he's questioning. It's clear from context that the information he's asking for IS important, and he thinks downplaying its importance will trick the other guy into revealing more than he's otherwise likely to.

I actually don't think it is that different. I think your description of Columbo (feigning casualness/nonchalance, and even stupidity) is exactly what many women (and men) are doing when they preface their comments with some self-derogatory language like "dumb question." I agree with you that some women (and some men) may say it out of insecurity, but I think both sexes often use it as a tactic. Here's a link to another long DCUM thread where Hannah Rosin (no dummy) admits to playing dumb: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/98061.page#795821 .

I agree with you the Denzel example is a less on point. What's happening there is that he's telling to witness (Tom Hanks' old boss) to give a simple straightforward answer suitable for a four-year-old. Here's the dialogue: http://www.law.indiana.edu/instruction/tanford/web/movies/Philadelphia.htm . Denzel is self-denigrating by comparing himself to a child, but that's a bad example because it's so obvious in context that he's not playing dumb.

[Anonymous]

I have had men give me completely ridiculous explanations because they think it makes them sound smart; things they would never say to another man. It's almost like they expect you to accept their stupidity because you're a woman and/or because you're too stupid to realize how stupid they are. I have a masters in engineering (and not in the simple fields like civil or mechanical) and all a lot of men can see is some woman who doesn't understand technical stuff when I usually know way more than they could ever hope to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had men give me completely ridiculous explanations because they think it makes them sound smart; things they would never say to another man. It's almost like they expect you to accept their stupidity because you're a woman and/or because you're too stupid to realize how stupid they are. I have a masters in engineering (and not in the simple fields like civil or mechanical) and all a lot of men can see is some woman who doesn't understand technical stuff when I usually know way more than they could ever hope to.

Simple fields? Maybe they see a woman who is too fu of herself. I do.