Anyone adopt an older child from foster care?

[Anonymous]

Hi,

We're considering adopting an older child from foster care through Adoptions Together. I really would like to know what other people's experiences have been. I'm very worried about adopting a child who will never bond with us, will have severe mental health issues, etc. My husband and I don't have kids-he's 39 and I'm 40-and would most likely only be adopting one child. I would love to be able to adopt a younger child (4-7) but from what I understand most of the waiting children are over aged 9.

Honest feedback (about the pros and the cons) would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

We did not adopt from foster care but did an older child intl. adoption of siblings and I will tell you that it is a crap shoot. You can have two kids with the same genetics and early life experiences of neglect/abuse and one can be perfectly fine in terms of behavior and bonding while the other can have pretty severe attachment issues. The kids with attachment issues are very, very tough to parent. Their whole sense of safety was severely comprised early on and so they exhibit a lot of controlling/defiant behaviors because they have a fundamental distrust of adults. That is easy to understand intellectually, but a lot tougher to deal with emotionally---when you have someone standing there screaming "Fuck you Bitch!" and threatening to break the china cabinet because you took away his allowance for defiantly refusing to do his homework/chores/take a shower/turn off the TV, etc. It is absolutely exhausting. And no amount of loving reassurance makes a difference---nothing in their experience of life has given them reason to trust---and their self esteem is usually so low that they have no reason to believe that you could ever see good in them. And in fact, giving loving reassurance makes them think you are either crazy or a fool.

But to be able to see the excitement and joy on the face of a child who wants to show you the good grade they got on a test, or whose face just lit up at the school concert because for the first time ever there was an adult in the audience who had come to see them especially--that is a wonderful experience.

A total crap shoot. I would listen very, very carefully to the history of the child's prior placements---you should be able to read between the lines of a description and foresee the issues. Sort of like perusing the real estate estate listings where "cozy and quaint" means "small, dark and unrenovated"---if you see a description of a child as "high energy" or "needs to be controlled" you can bet you are dealing with ADHD or attachment/defiant disorder issues.

[Anonymous]

I think adopting from foster care is much less of a 'crap shoot' then international adoption. With a foster care adoption you get much more information then what you get internationally-- and you have more ways to verify it.

OP- we have not adopted an older child from foster care- but we are foster parents. Have you considered fostering? One of the reasons so few younger children are available for adoption is that they tend to be adopted by their foster parents--- I don't have time right now to look up the statistics but it is something like 50% of children adopted from care are adopted by their foster parents. maybe higher...

[Anonymous]

I adopted from foster care and I did a sibling group with the oldest being 6.

The wait through foster care is not as long as you would expect if you accept some behavior problems and you increase your chances with a sibling group.

You should expect to need a lot of time off for the appointments. Although I have a sibling group I have only one that has behavior problems and he has so many appointments. There are at least two therapist a week in addition to the social workers and the family therapist you have to deal with.

The behavior problems take time for you to learn what method and environment set them off and what means work best for you to counter them. There are many and don't expect the agency to be of immediate help they will help you set up more appointments with more therapist.

Bonding is not immediate but it does come. You must foster for six months prior to adopting though a horrible thought but if it doesn't work you can end the arrangement.

The other issue I would bring up when accepting a child with behavior issues, and my child is not severe is child care. Schools by law must be able to accommodate a child with special needs but other types of child care are not. Day Care/ Summer Camps/ Extra Curricular sport programs may not having training to deal with behavior issues and that was one of the biggest surprises. Foster Care Agencies have money to pay these services but the catch is many of the patrons won't accept the pay because the pay is either a month behind or the amounts are not enough.

Too me the behavior issues we have are not gigantic and we have made a lot of progress but it was way more work than I imagine which I hear from all parents.

I run a strict and consistent household and that has helped with the behavior because there are no surprises.

[Anonymous]

My honest feedback is don't do it.

You have no experience with raising a kid and starting with an older kid who has experienced trauma and who will very likely have attachment issues is just a really bad idea for you as parents and as the child.

If you want to be parents, and you want to adopt, pursue infant or toddler adoption. Neither are without risks and there is also attachment issues to be on the lookout for but in general attachment professionals will say that a child adopted by age 3 the greatest chance of building a real attachment to adopted parents.

[Anonymous]

9:10 here and I would encourage you to adopt the foster child and not be afraid of older. The attachment part with my children was actually good as the agency did a great job of slowly introducing us to the children and by the time the transferred into the home they were excited and happy to come. Because they are older you begin to get a feel for their personality and their likes and you can tailor your home to reflect that.

The behavior I see from the past trauma is mostly of trust and that takes time but every time they eat I hug them and let them know they will always eat with me and I love them.

Also be very aware that the agency will also make sure you are ready to handle the child. Unlike with an infant because you know what you getting yourself into they can better make sure that match is right.

FWIW - I was also a first time parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:10 here and I would encourage you to adopt the foster child and not be afraid of older. The attachment part with my children was actually good as the agency did a great job of slowly introducing us to the children and by the time the transferred into the home they were excited and happy to come. Because they are older you begin to get a feel for their personality and their likes and you can tailor your home to reflect that.

The behavior I see from the past trauma is mostly of trust and that takes time but every time they eat I hug them and let them know they will always eat with me and I love them.

Also be very aware that the agency will also make sure you are ready to handle the child. Unlike with an infant because you know what you getting yourself into they can better make sure that match is right.

FWIW - I was also a first time parent.

That's not attachment. Not by any stretch is that attachment. That is a child getting to know you. Attachment doesn't happen for any older child in a few days, few weeks, few months, and sometimes not even a few years.

There is no instant bond. There is no instant attachment. There are several types of attachment and very often people mistake a "trauma bond" for attachment.

You can not get a feel for a child in a few visits or even the first few weeks or months. It's a honeymoon period. Older children know they are going to be adopted. They probably want to be adopted and be successful so they put all their energy into being "good". But then real life happens and they realize it's forever and then the problems set in.

One of the most realistic but fictionalized examples of older child adoption from foster care I ever saw was in a movie called "The Christmas Bunny". The foster parents are all excited to tell their foster daughter that they are going to adopt her and the girl breaks down in tears saying "Why can't I go home with my mom?" despite the fact that her mother was as habitual drug user who neglected her and her foster parents were loving and had a very attentive. That's what older child adoption from foster care is. It's sad, it's sometimes tragic, and it most certainly is not some rescue operation. You can never love away the old hurts a child has nor can you love away the birth family.

The easy stories are the exceptions. The hard stories usually don't get told until you really, truly know a family. And even then, maybe not.

Also, many people will say their child was healthy and had no problems but at the same time the child has an IEP, is on multiple medications, has many therapies a week, etc. Those are realities that many families don't tell you about.

[Anonymous]

OP if you haven't already I would encourage you to read "Three Little Words."

[Anonymous]

13:04's assessment is very accurate. There is no magic attachment with older kids as there is when you bond with an infant. That is not to say it can't happen but it is a slow, painful struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

We're considering adopting an older child from foster care through Adoptions Together. I really would like to know what other people's experiences have been. I'm very worried about adopting a child who will never bond with us, will have severe mental health issues, etc. My husband and I don't have kids-he's 39 and I'm 40-and would most likely only be adopting one child. I would love to be able to adopt a younger child (4-7) but from what I understand most of the waiting children are over aged 9.

Honest feedback (about the pros and the cons) would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

We are fostering to adopt directly through CFSA. As you go through the training classes, you get a lot of information that helps you to decide what issues you are willing to deal with and what you're not able/willing to deal with. And then there is like a 10 page questionnaire of things that they ask - are you willing to take a child with this problem or that problem. And that's a way for the social workers to get to know you. (There is NO problem in saying you don't want to deal with this or that)

And you can absolutely adopt a younger child, but only if you're willing to foster. Which means, of course, that there's a chance the child could be reunited with their families.

[Anonymous]

11:40 here again. 13:04 is exactly right.

Attachment issues are no joke. Kids who have been bounced out of birth families and foster homes have great difficulty trusting parent figures. They will absolutely do their best to reject you before you reject them. You need to be resilient and truly commit to loving them no matter what.

It's a hard, hard road. But man - when that trauma starts to fade away and you start to truly connect with the kid (it's been about a year for us and we're starting to get there) - it's amazing.

[Anonymous]

OP here-thank you for all of the feedback-I appreciate it. 13:16 I did read "Three Little Words"...I thought it was a great book.

[Anonymous]

I successfully adopted two older kids. But, I have to say, 13:04 nailed it. It was a lot of work over a number of years to make it successful and worth every second of the effort. But, during the process, I never knew where I'd have to accept things were as good as they could get. Thing is, I knew this going in and so I wasn't surprised that it was a lot of work.