Reply to Anyone adopt an older child from foster care?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]9:10 here and I would encourage you to adopt the foster child and not be afraid of older.  [b]The attachment part with my children was actually good as the agency did a great job of slowly introducing us to the children and by the time the transferred into the home they were excited and happy to come.[/b]  Because they are older you begin to get a feel for their personality and their likes and you can tailor your home to reflect that.

The behavior I see from the past trauma is mostly of trust and that takes time but every time they eat I hug them and let them know they will always eat with me and I love them.

Also be very aware that the agency will also make sure you are ready to handle the child.  Unlike with an infant because you know what you getting yourself into they can better make sure that match is right.

FWIW - I was also a first time parent. [/quote]

That's not attachment. Not by any stretch is that attachment. That is a child getting to know you.  Attachment doesn't happen for any older child in a few days, few weeks, few months, and sometimes not even a few years.

There is no instant bond. There is no instant attachment.  There are several types of attachment and very often people mistake a "trauma bond" for attachment.

You can not get a feel for a child in a few visits or even the first few weeks or months. It's a honeymoon period. Older children know they are going to be adopted. They probably want to be adopted and be successful so they put all their energy into being "good". But then real life happens and they realize it's forever and then the problems set in.

One of the most realistic but fictionalized examples of older child adoption from foster care I ever saw was in a movie called "The Christmas Bunny".  The foster parents are all excited to tell their foster daughter that they are going to adopt her and the girl breaks down in tears saying "Why can't I go home with my mom?" despite the fact that her mother was as habitual drug user who neglected her and her foster parents were loving and had a very attentive. That's what older child adoption from foster care is. It's sad, it's sometimes tragic, and it most certainly is not some rescue operation.  You can never love away the old hurts a child has nor can you love away the birth family.

The easy stories are the exceptions. The hard stories usually don't get told until you really, truly know a family. And even then, maybe not.

Also, many people will say their child was healthy and had no problems but at the same time the child has an IEP, is on multiple medications, has many therapies a week, etc.  Those are realities that many families don't tell you about.

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