Trying to figure out visitation with NPD - it is so disruptive when he comes to get kids
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Anonymous
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I have basically 100% custody finacially plus everything else he takes them on Saturday nights when it is convienent for him. When he does take them nine times out of ten he takes them to someones house where he and they can spend the night - he can drink while others entertain our kids.
When ever he comes to get kids it is chaos - one kid flips the f. Out and doesn't want to go- the other wants to go but has attachment issues with me and gets upset going to a different place where I won't be. He attacks me with crazy comments like "you aren't feeding the kids they are clearly starving" and "our children live in squalor" neither of which are even close to being true, but hurt nonetheless so I get defensive with the crazy comments and have to deal with two upset kids ( both under 7) on top of it. How can we make this easier? And yes he is a verbally abusive prick but OMG. |
Anonymous
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OP, do you have a lawyer? Where did you get this schedule?
Visitation at the home of random people where he is drinking and no one is really caring for them is scary. The reaction of the kids tells you that as well. Wouldn't daytime visitation be better? Or supervised visitation? |
Anonymous
| OP, isn't the issue of how inappropriate his behavior is, how inappropriate this plans for visitation are and how clearly stressed the kids are to spend time with him (not to mention god knows who?) Those are really young kids. Are you comfortable with this arrangement where they are doing overnights random places? Or is this with family members, it wasn't clear. Perhaps handoffs need to be done in a neutral location. But the location of overnights, the company of ?, and drinking by dad matter more. |
Anonymous
| There are no lawyers involved yet for a variety of reasons the primary of which are financial and my fear of his craziness. The sleep overs are with close family/friends who live farther out so it isn't the people per se but the principle that he can't bond with his kids/handle them on his own. Sorry should have made thatmore clear, but maybe pp is right in that they don't necessarily want to do that every weekend. |
Anonymous
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New poster. I've divorced a NPD (oh, and sex addict too, lovely, huh?).
I think you have a few issues: 1) Overnights at other people's homes. Can you talk to an attorney about this? Do you have an official parenting plan? This can not be in the children's best interests, and I think you need to talk to an attorney. God knows what could happen to your children in an environment like that. Unfortunately, it's going to be up to YOU to stop it. 2) Badmouthing you to the children This is terrible. I suggest you get the book Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard Warshak Here is a quote from the book - it shows why you can't ignore what your STBX is doing/saying in front of your kids: Bad-mouthing kills spontaneous displays of affection as children inhibit their behavior toward one parent for fear of disappointing the other, or appearing disloyal. They develop the guilty sense that they must keep their love for the maligned parent a closely guarded secret. This is what parents do to children when they fail to give them unconditional permission to love both of their parents. 3) Your children getting upset when STBX comes to take them. Are they in counseling of any sort? Can you get them some professional help asap? Here's a link for this sort of help from the Women's Center in Virginia. I'm sure there's something similar in MD. http://www.thewomenscenter.org/content.asp?contentid=59 OP, good luck to you. Do NOT let him win and hurt your children further. Please reach out and get some more help for them and for you. I'm so sorry you and your children are in this situation. |
Anonymous
PP here. We cross-posted. Please call the Women's Center and ask for some free advice. If you're really dealing with a NPD, you're going to need all the advice you can get! Also, have you checked out SurvivingInfidelity.com? You can get great anonymous advice there on the Separation and Divorce thread. Lastly, no judge is going to think that the sleepovers are a good idea. Your children need to be in a stable, safe, predictable place every weekend. This current set-up is not healthy for them. You probably need a break from the kids, though, one night a week. This is all more reason to reach out for help from the professionals. They will not be shocked or judgmental - they've seen this all before. Good luck to you and your kids. |
Anonymous
You really need to figure out how to deal with this. You have find that place inside of you that gives you the strength to disengage. He is unable to have healthy and feeling reactions. So he goads you until you blow up and feed his emotional void. Let the comments roll. Do not engage with him. Maintain a "business" relationship with him. My best friend divorced her NPD jackass of an ex-husband. It has taken every ounce of energy to not go off on him or defend herself. She just lets the nonsense roll with no reaction. There is no arguing or trying to convince someone with NPD that they're wrong or hurtful. It's like arguing with a 2 year old--you just spin and go nowhere. If you're not in therapy, get there now. Your kids need a mom who recognizes what she was attracted to in the first place, and how to avoid that in the future. They need someone who is as healthy as she can be because their father will never be better. |
Anonymous
| By NPD do you mean narcissistic personality disorder? |
Anonymous
Yes. |
Anonymous
| This is going to sound counter-intuitive, and it may not be entirely appropriate given that your issue is with your ex, but my mom is NPD and one of the things that works well with her is to compliment her. I spend a lot of time complimenting her for the dumbest crap (e.g., "gosh mom, the way you unpack your groceries is so superior"). It seems to help cut down the more negative attention getting behaviors. Not 100% effective, but helps a lot. |
Anonymous
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OP, does he HAVE a home to take the kids to? I think if you go back to court over the visitation and tell the judge about the random houses situation, the judge won't like it. Judge may order that he has to do visitiation in his own home. Or you can change the visitation to daytime hours, or grandma's house, or what have you.
People think I'm nuts but this is why my divorce agreement is SUPER restrictive. No alcohol, no paramours, no smoking around the kids. It's scary sometimes wha these men do, seriously. |
Anonymous
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The kids might be better off with family if ex disengages. My ex is NPD too and he is much better with help and an audience (less likely to go off into one of his episodes).
I found the fights every 2-4 months soooo draining. I will try the suggestion a PP made of giving compliments. Thx! |
Anonymous
| Hi, I have a similar situation and have been blogging about my experience and thi gs that work or don't. If you can get sole legal down and very limited visitation, even if you need to trade other items - (financial or property) do it now. It is easier to work this n now than later. When the rest of property and finances gets settled and the only thing left is the kids - conflict can get worse, or you may see your ex disengage (hopefully). Anyway...I am typing from my phone right now so I will be short. However, you can find me at www.coparentingwithanarcissist.com. best of luck to you... I know what it feels like to see the kids upset with visitation and it sucks. |