To What Extent Can/Do You Control Your 16 Year Old Kid'S Clothing?

[Anonymous]

I'm at a loss here and don't really know how to approach this. My 16 year old is wearing clothing I don't approve of. But her mother is OK with it. (We are divorced). It's not about being revealing. . It's more about being socially inappropriate .Like wearing a t shirt that has a controversial, sometimes inflammatory (think something along the lines of "white power") political message on it. She's bound to get comments about some of what she wears. And while her style of dress may make her seem brazen, she really isn't. I'm not sure she could handle any confrontation if one were to occur.

Am I making too much of this? It's pointless to try to talk her out of this, isn't it? I told her I don't want her wearing it at my house or when she's staying with me. She said she won't come over on the weekends anymore. I don't want her wearing this clothing but I don't want to lose my daughter either. Is there any way to approach this effectively and logically? Or do I just resign myself to the fact she's going to wear what she wants to wear?

[Anonymous]

Hmm that's a tough one. I don't control what my daughter wears but she dresses in normal inoffensive clothes. Have you talked to your daughter about it? Asked her why she wants to wear these shirts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm at a loss here and don't really know how to approach this. My 16 year old is wearing clothing I don't approve of. But her mother is OK with it. (We are divorced). It's not about being revealing. . It's more about being socially inappropriate .Like wearing a t shirt that has a controversial, sometimes inflammatory (think something along the lines of "white power") political message on it. She's bound to get comments about some of what she wears. And while her style of dress may make her seem brazen, she really isn't. I'm not sure she could handle any confrontation if one were to occur.

Am I making too much of this? It's pointless to try to talk her out of this, isn't it? I told her I don't want her wearing it at my house or when she's staying with me. She said she won't come over on the weekends anymore. I don't want her wearing this clothing but I don't want to lose my daughter either. Is there any way to approach this effectively and logically? Or do I just resign myself to the fact she's going to wear what she wants to wear?

Yes, this is a tough one. Does her school have a dress code? Usually offensive messages are banned from school.
My DD is similar, she mostly dresses modestly, but at times wants to buy clothes with messages that seem intended to provoke attention. I think alot of it is attention getting behavior.

If your daughter is trying to provoke a response ( and she might not even be consciously aware of doing this!), probably the best thing would be to ignore the clothing, but try to give her lots of positive attention in other ways.
Compliment something you do like about her appearance ("I like how you are wearing your hair today. " "Those are cute ear-rings")
Plan activities for just the two of you and get to know her as a person.

Focus on the positives!

[Anonymous]

I think you have to let it go. The more you push, the more she might WANT to dress to get a rise out of you.

The more you let it go, and focus on listening to her, and building a relationship with her, the better she'll be. Even if she dresses funny.

She will look back in 3 years, maybe more maybe less, and shake her head at what she used to wear.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. You can't change it and you could lose her over it. She knows what you think.

[Anonymous]

That is not a battle I'd choose to wage, especially if she says she won't spend weekends with you. It will probably be a passing phase. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

I think you bring it up, once: That shirt it pretty provocative. Have you thought about who might be offended by it, or what you would do if someone got aggressive with you over it? Whatever discussion ensues, make your point calmly. And then let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is not a battle I'd choose to wage, especially if she says she won't spend weekends with you. It will probably be a passing phase. Let it go.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Let her express herself but if she is wearing something racist or slutty you can tell her she can't wear it. Punk style and all that is fine tho- let her be herself it it will not hurt others.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks. I guess it's best at this point to not make a big deal of it. I'll wait and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

If your DD is really wearing something that supports racism or homophobia I would not allow that. If however, she's wearing a shirt with a picture of weed or a curse word, I'd let that go.

My rule with my teen girls is that they can wear provacative clothing if they are prepared to and capable of dealing with the attention they will get for it. I have one DD who shrinks into herself from any attention from strangers. She can not handle wearing a short skirt even though she has the body for it, because if construction workers whistle at her, she comes home and cries. I have another DD who will whistle and catcall them right back, and can totally handle herself.

If your DD can wear a white power t-shirt and can handle getting punched in the face repeatedly by black people, then hey, maybe she DOES have some sort of super human white power. But she probably can't, and if she's looking for a fight, then go find one that won't require plastic surgery for a broken nose/jaw. Because if my DD wore something that encouraged a fight, I'd refuse to pay the doctor bills that would be part of the end result.

[Anonymous]

If she's really wearing a racist T shirt the larger question is who is she hanging around with who encourages or accepts this. Most kids would think this is very, very uncool.

I'm guessing that while you used a racist example the actual T shirt is somewhat sexual instead. Because if it really was a racist slogan you would be raising larger issues than clothing. If it is sexual, let it go. Yes, it would make most parents deeply uncomfortable but you can't stop her and it seems like you already have a strained dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My rule with my teen girls is that they can wear provacative clothing if they are prepared to and capable of dealing with the attention they will get for it.

I think this is a great guideline.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately you are at a disadvantage since her mother has no problem with it. I see so many teen girls who look like trash. Skirts are way too short, bra straps showing, black bra under white top, bad make up. I just feel bad for these girls because they look awful, and they do not have a mother who is helping them look appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately you are at a disadvantage since her mother has no problem with it. I see so many teen girls who look like trash. Skirts are way too short, bra straps showing, black bra under white top, bad make up. I just feel bad for these girls because they look awful, and they do not have a mother who is helping them look appropriate.

If you don't have a teenage daughter, you really, really shouldn't judge. Once they reach a certain age, you cannot dictate what they wear. You can try, I suppose, but unless you have a particularly pliable child there's nothing you can do. Tell a 16 year-old to wear her makeup differently? That makes me laugh. At this age its their developmental task to create their own identity and it isn't always pretty in the process. But the girls with the controlling parents have a much tougher time down the road.

If you have a younger daughter you will find out soon enough.