DH Ignoring Personal Health

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men are like this. At least your DH went in for a physical. My DH, who has incredible, zero-copay medical insurance, is 61 and has never had a physical, doesn't see doctors (or dentists), and does nothing proactive to stay healthy. He is also about 50 lbs. overweight. His only activity is golf, which isn't that strenuous since they ride carts from hole to hole. There's nothing I can do about it. I cook healthy food at home and am working hard on my own weight, activity level, and general health so that hopefully one of us will be fit going into advanced old age. It is very hard to tell an adult what to do. They will do something if and when they're ready. Sometimes it takes something to shock them into action, like a health scare or the illness/death of someone close to them who is their age.

My DH never went to the doctor for physicals. Then one time he had an infected bug bite, went to urgent care, and found out he had high blood pressure. That finally scared him into going for a physical and now he’s at least taking care of his health.

This made me think of how I got my husband doing checkups. He never went to the doctor. Then he got such a bad headache with a virus I was afraid he had an aneurysm. No doctor or urgent care would see him because it was such a bad flu season (pre-Covid) and they said with the worst headache he has ever had he should go directly to the ER. He was desperate for relief so he let me take him, then I had to leave to pick up our kids eventually so he had to be there alone for a while. After they got the headache under control and ruled out an aneurysm, the doctor shamed him and read him the riot act for never going for checkups. They ran a bunch of bloodwork and found he had high cholesterol and a bunch of other manageable issues that could become big problems if he didn't get them under control. Now he goes yearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't outrun your fork. I've gained and lost weight several times in my life, and exercise is something you lose weight so that you can do it and it's more fun, not something that by itself is going to do much to budge the weight.

I agree that looking into a GLP-1 is a good way to go -- I'd recommend Zepbound over Wegovy. More effective and fewer side effects IME.

But it's also not your job to get your DH in shape. I do highly recommend marriage counseling and individual therapy. You can't change someone else -- you can only change yourself. If your DH refuses to do the work to change himself so that he can be healthy and active (or at least not a total couch potato) with you, then you need to take a long, hard look at whether you want to stay married to him.

If a man posted this, the feminists would destroy him on here.

[Anonymous]

I see no problem with what was said and I consider myself a feminist.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound lonely.

You can't change your DH's activity level. You can, perhaps naturally reduce portion size by cooking less.

It seems really important for you two to connect in ways that work right now. Maybe a weekly date night that is not hiking focused, etc.? With the empty nest stage approaching, time to invest in your relationship. Tell him that you miss sleeping in the same bed and encourage a sleep study and cpap if advised. Physical touch and cuddling is really important for health too. Find a new common hobby (not a sport), plan trips, maybe read and discuss books? Make plans for some of the date nights to be with other couples. Build your community as you are about to shift out of parenting mode. Maybe start here, both of you. Dorky but I know people it has really helped https://5lovelanguages.com/

Try to be less black and white in thinking and less focused on the exercise you do and that he does not. I understand your concerns but there is a lot more to marriages and people than activity. To the extent it is driven by anxiety about health and the future, learn to manage that. We can only control ourselves. I found anxiety went up for me in midlife with hormone shifts and empty nesting looming.

It would be ironic if you divorce because you frayed the connection with lots of time spent separately, sleeping separately, etc. due to "love and concern for his longevity." Connect with your husband. Drop the rope of the power struggle, we cannot change or control other people. Go for strolls together, see movies, go to dinner and concerts, etc. Put deposits in the bank of shared, enjoyed, conflict free time. Love the husband you have.

[Anonymous]

Physicals will be useless. The doc will tell him to lose weight and exercise. Great but your DH already knows he should do this but isn’t doing it.

Encourage him to try the cpap. I never knew how badly I was sleeping until I started using it.

I think the best approach is to sign him up with a personal trainer. Regular sessions are motivating.

[Anonymous]

If your DH refuses to do the work to change himself so that he can be healthy and active (or at least not a total couch potato) with you, then you need to take a long, hard look at whether you want to stay married to him.

This seems very extreme. There is not abuse, adultery or addiction.

OP, try Gottman based couples counseling and individual counseling to manage your anxiety level, CBT or DBT, not just talk therapy.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/gottman-method/

https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-guide/cbt-for-anxiety

[Anonymous]

Do you like him? It doesn’t sound like you like him.

Hard to get someone to take input from a place of contempt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you like him? It doesn’t sound like you like him.

Hard to get someone to take input from a place of contempt.

Truth is: he can’t keep up with me and won’t try.

OP are you worried or do you want out?

You say you have fairly recently taken up fitness yourself. Prior to that, how did DH treat you?

Are you sure that your anxiety is not focused on DH's activity rather than midlife angst, approaching empty nest, etc? Bc it seems like you may be on a path to being alone all the time. You are working to create what you claim you don't want by avoiding emotional intimacy with your DH.

Per Gottman, contempt is one of the 4 horsemen of divorce. Figure out what you want and have your actions match.

[Anonymous]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201303/how-contempt-destroys-relationships

[Anonymous]

He "can't keep up with you," huh, OP?

Contempt signifies rejection.

Rejection may be of what the other person is saying. It may be also of the other person as a whole.

A baby who tastes rotten food immediately wrinkles his nose, curls his lips in an expression of disgust, and spits it out. When someone speaks to you with a tone of contempt, you are likely to feel spit out from that person’s world. “Get out of my life” is the subconscious message embedded in a contemptuous tone of voice or attitude.

From Gottman link.

Gray divorce and likely always alone or learn to love the husband you have, which will it be, OP?

Your husband sounds thoughtful of you. You share a child and a history. Maybe that is worth valuing?

[Anonymous]

Just imagine the reaction here if some DH said "my wife is fat and out of shape, I'm going to divorce her".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous
Just imagine the reaction here if some DH said "my wife is fat and out of shape, I'm going to divorce her".

Well op didn’t say that . She is worried and frustrated. I’d address sleep issue first since it can impact everything. If he has apnea it’s a serious health issue that weight loss can address…perhaps doc will be able to get spouse to focus on that and offer strategies (or meds).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous
Just imagine the reaction here if some DH said "my wife is fat and out of shape, I'm going to divorce her".

Well op didn’t say that . She is worried and frustrated. I’d address sleep issue first since it can impact everything. If he has apnea it’s a serious health issue that weight loss can address…perhaps doc will be able to get spouse to focus on that and offer strategies (or meds).

OP didn’t say that but it’s what a lot of responses are suggesting she consider.

[Anonymous]

Why make it a man/woman issue, it's universal and can go either way geez...IMO whether the wife or the hubby what IS "abusive" to me is ignoring your health to the point you end up with debilitating issues that could have been prevented and now your spouse has to take care of you 24/7 long before the golden years when things really do start slowing down for the both of you.

[Anonymous]

In my DH’s case, seeing the dr was a needed wake up call. I pointed out how sky high his cholesterol level is, and this shocked him into cleaning up his diet dramatically.