My stepson's Mom told him to lie to his father and I about his schooling...

[Anonymous]

We have 50/50 custody of my 8 year old stepson. I dropped by his Mom's house on Tuesday evening (at her request) to drop off some pictures I printed out for his upcoming school project. I spent 2 hours there with her and my stepson, who was happy and healthy & running around playing. Today is our normal custody day, so I picked him up from school as usual only to find out he missed school on Tuesday (the same day I saw him). I asked him why he missed and he said he was sick. Eventually, he came clean and said his Mom told him to lie because we would get mad at him if he didn't lie to us. He said his Mom just didn't feel like driving him to school so she let him stay home and play. This is the third time this school year that this has happened. My husband confronted her the last two times and she said what she does with him on her time is her business and we have no say in what goes on there. While I partially agree what she does with him is her business, I am torn because it is teaching him bad morals and ethics. His health, safety, and education are very important to us and we're really not sure how to approach the situation.

Please help! Is there anything we can or should do?

[Anonymous]

Depends on how old the kid is...

Also, don't some schools/school systems have attendance requirements and the kids can only miss so many days?

[Anonymous]

Oops - now I see his age! She needs to figure out how he can take the bus or catch a ride from friends in the future when she is feeling "lazy". I don't think missing a few days at age 8 is a big deal but the message she is sending while she is doing it will come back to bite her and him in the future.

[Anonymous]

My kids definitely have at least three "mental health" days a year. Many times it is because I just want to sleep in and let them sleep in too. I don't think that is a big deal if it truly is only three days. My bigger concern would be the fact that she is asking the child to lie to you guys. That doesn't seem right.

[Anonymous]

19:19 - You're right, missing 3 days isn't that big of a deal. My concern is with him lying to us, and her asking him to lie. I should also add that he has been tardy 12 times this year on her days as well, and there are several parenting issues that go beyond this.

[Anonymous]

19:19 here, the combo of the tardies, with the staying home and other parenting issues would be big for me. Is she approachable at all?

[Anonymous]

talk to your lawyer and revisit it with a judge and your custody agreement. 12 tardies is a lot, coupled with the lies and the staying home bit....

[Anonymous]

I have definitely wanted to sleep in many times this year and not drive DC1 to school (because DC2 does not sleep through the night yet) - and my husband had to drag us all out of bed!
If it does not occur too often, let it go please. There are so many more important things that you will have to take care of during the whole stepson parenting thing!

The lying DH should address with the mother directly. Tell her not to ask DC to lie, which of course will not guarantee anything but is just a statement of your position.
In my mind, she lied because she thinks you are too meddlesome - easier to lie than fight over what she perceived to be a small thing.

[Anonymous]

I would approach it less combatively. DH should apologize for being "confrontational" before, and agree that what happens on her time is her choice, then he should point out that missing X number of days a semester can result in Y disciplinary action, and isn't it just best if we all have all the information. You both need to let go of controlling how she handles school attendance/prioritization.

Don't get me wrong. I agree with your position, and I wouldn't allow my kids to skip, but parents in blended families don't have the luxury of controlling their kid's world. They have to share control with someone they may often disagree with. You both need to focus on making her comfortable sharing with you, since you have no chance of correcting for mistakes you don't know about.

[Anonymous]

19:19 I have a fairly decent relationship with her (as weird as that may sound) but some of the things she does and allows him to do just boggle my mind. My husband has confronted her about some of the more serious issues (we pick and choose our battles) and it usually turns into a disaster. She's very firm on her stand that what she does with him is her business, regardless of how it effects the child. On parenting issues, my husband is the voice. I try to not interfere too much as far as confrontation is concerned. Unfortunately, I think it might be to the point where we feel she needs a mental evaluation and possibly less visitation with him.

[Anonymous]

That is a bad situation. I would definitely talk to a lawyer and revisit the custody agreement. Summer is coming so school shouldn't be an issue and give you some time to get something better in place for him.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that she is depressed? Or that she would welcome a different arrangement? Maybe mornings are just too much for her, and she would be happier with afternoon visits or something along those lines. I do feel for her, I know those mornings are tough, but I also know 8 is very young to be teaching a child to lie to another parent in addition to teaching him that sometimes school is optional.

[Anonymous]

19:41 - It is possible she is depressed. For several years she was taking Xanex for anxiety, as well as battling bulimia. I have been in my stepson's life for 6 years now, and those issues were known to me for the first 3. I don't know if they are still prevalent, it's not something she openly discusses anymore. I should add her and I both have younger children as well (both 3) mine from this marriage, and hers from her current relationship with her boyfriend. Not sure it makes a difference. But as a mother, I couldn't imagine losing any time with my child, and am confident she feels the same about her children. My husband and I only want what's best for my stepson.

[Anonymous]

You need to review the custody aggrement. I dont think making a kid miss school is permissible under these circumstances. Once a year when she is sick I understand (but then she should call you two). Not that this is what you want but I could geniunley see her having custody demoted down to vistation based on this... it is arguably unfit to not get your kid to school.

[Anonymous]

It's Mom's call. She made two mistakes: Telling her daughter to lie, not FYIing you that she wasn't in school.

Is the a back story? Has your husband made a fuss when she's stayed home before? I ask because my ex used to accuse me of keeping our child home when he really wasn't sick. Not so! I did always email him that our child was home. And never asked our child to lie!

Try to work it out with her. Maybe he should say, it makes sense for both of us to email the other when she's home from school?