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Elementary School-Aged Kids
16 year old son and stepdad not getting along
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Anonymous
| I said consider. Though I'm not clear how many children are involved here. I thought the son was the only one? Anyway, an incident like this would alter the way I viewed my husband. What he said was cruel! The son was kicking the wall instead of the stepdad shows more restraint than the step-dad's tirade. Also is OP being abused? She states that her husband would never admit he's wrong ... even after an episode like that! What kind of a husband is this, who trash-talks his stepson but who won't admit he's wrong. And what about an apology? I'm the mom of a strong-willed teen and I know things get intense. Teens can be all the things the step-dad says and more. There is no excuse for a step-dad to tell a step-son he is going to grow up and be a loser like his dad. There is nothing lower. |
Anonymous
| P.S. OP, I really feel for you and your son. I do wish you'd let us know how things are going. |
Anonymous
I think what other posters are trying to say is not everything is black and white in these relationships. It would be great and easier if it were, but like Denise Richards show, "Its Complicated." |
Anonymous
| I absolutely get that, PP. I'm concerned for OP. She knows this guy won't admit he's wrong. That suggests volumes given the nature of these comments. Also, I've seen posters on DCUM not give the full story in their original post. Who knows what she's not saying. I know we all have the potential to say things we do not mean in fights, but there are limits. |
Anonymous
|
OP here. I haven't been able to post an update because we had to be out of the house a few days for mold remediation. I was concerned how it would be for all of us to be thrown in a hotel room together so soon after the incident, but it actually wasn't all that bad. I don't think my son or husband ever talked about the incident again or apologized to each other, but I have talked to both separately. My husband knows he was out of line but still feels my son should have more respect for the household. I told him he is right about the respect part but that goes both ways. I told him in no circumstance should he ever say any of the things he said to my son. He is the adult, he should know how to control his anger and comments.
To those that were trying to read more into it, such as abusing me, no that does not happen. This was a one time blow-up, which is why I posted about what to do because we had never been through something like it before. As far as the divorce comment someone made, that's a bit extremem. If everyone whoever had any kind of conflict in their family should get a divorce, not that many of us would be married. Thank you to those who showed true concern. I appreciate the replies and we have looked into family counseling. We're just waiting for insurance approval. |
Anonymous
I woudl give one more chance to DH and that's it !!!! no one can hurt my sons feelings... specially inside our own home. |
Anonymous
|
OP,
This is written out of genuine concern. I think you are in denial because you are conflicted between your husband and everything he brings, companionship, financial advantages, and your son. A teen not showing respect for the household is common. A stepparent telling a teen that is he going to end up being a loser like his dad is really extreme. It's a double whammy. He denigrated your son's father and telegraphed he though his stepson was a loser. I hope you find a good therapist. |
Anonymous
What would I be in denial about? I said that this was a one time episode and that I told my husband in no way, shape or form was he right about what he said and that should never happen again. He knows what he said was wrong and admitted he just started mouthing off without thinking about what he was saying. I've done that before and regretted it. I'm sure some of us on here are guilty of that, no one is perfect. We've been together for 6 years, so this being the first incident scared me and I didn't know what to do. Please enlighten me as to what I am in denial about since you seem to think you know my situation better than me. |
Anonymous
| The potential to damage your son. I wish you well. |
Anonymous
OP, this is 15:33. Speaking from my own experience, I think that's good that your husband admitted to you that he knows he was wrong. When you talked to your son, did he acknowledge that he could work to be more considerate of the rest of the family (if that is your husband's basic issue with him)? The fact that things are back to "normal" since then is positive too, in that it means that both DH and DS are processing the incident but neither one of them wants to live in that type of ugliness all the time. Same situation with me and my stepson and DH a few years back -- there was underlying tension but every single one of our interchanges wasn't horrible. And, here we are years later and we have a very solid and positive relationship -- because all of us wanted it and all of us were willing to work towards it. I'm glad you are looking at therapy. Even if something like that scene never happens again, it does maybe highlight that there are some underlying tensions or emotions that deserve to be acknowledged and dealt with. It can be two steps forward and one step back. But, if your DH is a good guy (and if he feels regret, I hope that means he is) and your DS is a good but typical teenager (i.e. sweet kid but by definition can be a pain in the a$$), then you've got the strong foundation to say "hey, let's all get some professional advice to make this the happiest household we can." |
Anonymous
You sound like a judgmental nutjob. Is your family and DH perfect? It goes without saying you are. People screw up- its doesnt mean OP is in denial. |
Anonymous
Me too! What the DH said was in passing, but it will stick with the son for a long time.. maybe forever. He's already hurt over his biological father. He doesn't need another man in his life to treat him like that. As an adult, I'd throw a fit if someone said I was going to be a loser like my father (which he isn't). It's natural to be that defensive over someone you love. As a mother, of course i'm that much more defensive over my son. Hopefully this really is the first time it's happened, and the last time. |
Anonymous
| 11:32 here. If you think it is impossible for OP to be in denial about the potential damage here, that's your business. She seems more focused on the husband, that's all. There's no need to stoop to hostility and namecalling over a difference in opinion. I do wish OP and her family, especially her son, the best. |
Anonymous
| I think another problem to what the DH said is that he may really feel that the son is becoming a bum. DH doesn't seem to have a clue as how to teenagers are. I don't think this is just about insulting the bio father, but indirectly DH insulted the son. |
Anonymous
What is wrong with you? How would you know what damage may have been done to my son unless you've talked with him and asked him about the incident? Are you a therapist? My son is the type to let things slide off his back and not harbor grudges. I think I know my son well enough and he tells me when something really bothers him. You say I seem more focused on my husband. Did you not read what I wrote properly? Go back and read the two posts I wrote. I clearly state that I feel my husband was in the wrong in the first one and that he is the adult and should act like one. I also stated in the second one that I told him in no way, shape or form should he have ever talked to my son like that. Maybe you consider it focusing on my husband more because I am telling him the things he did wrong. I did tell him that my son was around long before him and that if comething like that ever happened again, I would choose my son's well-being over him. I gave an update that things are back to normal and we are looking into counseling. Enough said. |