Mom always wants us to help her out with her work event when we visit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree heartily with pps. This isn't some honor bestowed upon you. It's taking advantage of you, your time and money coming to visit her.

Next time she asks "Mom, I really don't feel up to working your event for this visit. If you want to spend time together outside of work, let me know, otherwise I'm going to hang out with Aunt Mary and Cousin Joe. Call me when you're done and we can go for dinner."

I think I'd bring this up before she does, and I'd do it by asking her help in figuring it out. "Mom, we'd love to visit, but I think we need to do it as completely downtime. Would it be possible to come without helping at events like we usually do? Would that make it weird, or could we find a way to make it work?" Something like that.

I know some of DCUM hates "scripts," but that is something like what I'd try. Framing in advance makes it less likely to spark reactivity in the moment.

[Anonymous]

She asks you to get pick things up or she asks you to accompany her? Maybe she wants a spend time with you instead of you stay home alone. If she asks you to get alone that is weird, but she mentioned bonding time.

[Anonymous]

Please give her a hand. That is what families do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree heartily with pps. This isn't some honor bestowed upon you. It's taking advantage of you, your time and money coming to visit her.

Next time she asks "Mom, I really don't feel up to working your event for this visit. If you want to spend time together outside of work, let me know, otherwise I'm going to hang out with Aunt Mary and Cousin Joe. Call me when you're done and we can go for dinner."

I think I'd bring this up before she does, and I'd do it by asking her help in figuring it out. "Mom, we'd love to visit, but I think we need to do it as completely downtime. Would it be possible to come without helping at events like we usually do? Would that make it weird, or could we find a way to make it work?" Something like that.

I know some of DCUM hates "scripts," but that is something like what I'd try. Framing in advance makes it less likely to spark reactivity in the moment.

Good script

[Anonymous]

Stop being a petty little bean counter OP.

[Anonymous]

You sound like an ungrateful jerk. You want to sit around on her couch while she is off running an event?! Arranging name tags on a table is really too much to ask? Spend some quality time with your mother and help out! It’s not like she is asking you to make small talk with strangers all evening, just spend an hour or two do small things to make her life easier, and spend some time together.

Do you have kids? Do you want to show them a good example of pitching in when needed? My kids are all still at home, but I would be ashamed of raising selfish brats if they couldn’t help out when they come visit.

[Anonymous]

There s a big difference between helping out with personal tasks (which you absolutely should do for a parent) versus helping someone perform their job. Her employer is taking advantage of her and by extension, you, even if unintentionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There s a big difference between helping out with personal tasks (which you absolutely should do for a parent) versus helping someone perform their job. Her employer is taking advantage of her and by extension, you, even if unintentionally.

OP here, this sums up how I feel. If she was asking us to go to the grocery store or Target to pick up a few things, it wouldn't be a problem. Similarly, if my Mom was running a restaurant that she started from the ground up, that would be different too. But she's working for a mid-sized university (one that a majority of people on this board have heard of), and while she's not at the top of the food chain in her department, she's not at the bottom either; it's frustrating that she can't stick her neck out, and try to get some college kid to help set up name tags, instead of using her kids who are in town for a short time for free labor, or ask a co-workers, "hey Donna, my kids are in town this weekend, can you help with the set up for the Baxter lecture instead?"

[Anonymous]

My friend is an event planner associated with fund raisers for a Division I charity. She has her friends and family assist. It is no big deal. We then attend the event along with the NFL athletes and their wives and the former Division I athletes and their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There s a big difference between helping out with personal tasks (which you absolutely should do for a parent) versus helping someone perform their job. Her employer is taking advantage of her and by extension, you, even if unintentionally.

OP here, this sums up how I feel. If she was asking us to go to the grocery store or Target to pick up a few things, it wouldn't be a problem. Similarly, if my Mom was running a restaurant that she started from the ground up, that would be different too. But she's working for a mid-sized university (one that a majority of people on this board have heard of), and while she's not at the top of the food chain in her department, she's not at the bottom either; it's frustrating that she can't stick her neck out, and try to get some college kid to help set up name tags, instead of using her kids who are in town for a short time for free labor, or ask a co-workers, "hey Donna, my kids are in town this weekend, can you help with the set up for the Baxter lecture instead?"

I still don’t get it. You feel like her employer is taking advantage of her? I’m not saying you’re wrong, but hours need to say more to help us understand. I assume she has a job to do that includes x number of tasks, including setting out nametags and picking up catering. If the Baxter event falls on the weekend when you’re visiting, she still has to do all of the tasks. I don’t see how her employer is taking advantage of her to expect her to get those things done. Her workload doesn’t decrease just because you’re in town.

I need you to say more about how you see this differently from me.

[Anonymous]

"Hi Mom, we can visit x weekend or y weekend. Which one are you not working so we can come then?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s trying to show you off to her colleagues, or if this is the first job she’s had in a long time maybe she wants you to see her at work. Does your help mean she gets freed up to spend time with you sooner than she would otherwise?

No. This is a narcissist thing. My dad made us help out at his volunteer job because he truly felt that our time and energy was worth nothing and his time was valuable. He enjoyed having us work for him,

[Anonymous]

This seems crazy to me that you are so bothered by this. Think of all your mother must have done for you in your life and you begrudge her this? Ugh, I feel sorry for her having a kid like you.

[Anonymous]

The truth is that is the college’s attorneys found out about this, your mom would be in big trouble. What if you got in a wreck during this driving where you were “working”, etc? The university is also violating wage and hour laws. Your mom needs to cut this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems crazy to me that you are so bothered by this. Think of all your mother must have done for you in your life and you begrudge her this? Ugh, I feel sorry for her having a kid like you.

+1 I was ready to take OP's side when they said they get pulled into "more involved" tasks, but then it was . . . picking something up or setting out name tags. I'm getting the feeling that OP is a man and thinks visiting family means mom doing for him, not him helping mom. He can't quite explain why this is a problem without articulating that he's a jerk, so he's worked himself up about university marketing budgets. It's kind of funny, really.