Bullying: How do you deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the total opposite of what I would have expected. Not gonna lie, this was my first instinct, and I'm glad to hear this. I will definitely tell my kid to let her have it!

But he won’t because it’s not who he is. My son was bullied for being too “gay”. He’s not gay but he’s not a guy’s guy. He gets along best with girls and women. He has what too many aholes consider female traits like sensitivity, empathy, kindness but awkward.

There should be a formal investigation. You can call and ask what you need to do to start a bully investigation. They school should have a system to follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When DS1 was being bullied, DS2 found his bully and punched him in the face repeatedly. He was never bullied again. If that's not an option, give her the green light to fight back and protect herself.

Ah gosh is it weird that this made me a little weepy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My middle schooler is a very shy, sweet, not very outgoing (read: nerdy) kid. There is a girl at their middle school who has been relentlessly bullying him. Apart from a desire to punch a little girl in her non-existent boobs, how do I deal with this outside of school? Right now I'm relying on the school to handle, but I'm struggling a bit on how I can best support my kid. I'm trying really hard to offer empathy for the bully, and rather focus on supporting on my kid, but ugh, this is hard! I wasn't bullied as a kid, so this is new territory. What have you all done in this situation? How do you handle this as the parent?

OP did you file a written report using the district's official forms? Many districts keep close tabs on bullying but only if you go through the official administrative channels. There's more accountability so more likely the school will actually do something like separate them in classes and discipline the other child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I’ve got years of experience here with two different school districts. It sucks.

1. Agree to teach him to fight back. No flames for PP. I actually might steal some of those for my kid!

2. Stay on top of the school. Call the principal. Know how they are supposed to handle incidents (both policy and their training). Call out their shit EVERY TIME they don’t follow it. You have no idea how many times a teacher has told my kid “Just ignore it” while not having any consequences for the bully. That is not an approach backed by research and they all know it.

3. Ask the school to review security footage if needed. This is how I proved kids were pushing my child off the lunch bench and not letting her eat.

4. Get your kid into therapy. Bullying takes a toll. I didn’t realize just how much it was affecting DD until she threatened suicide at school at 11 years old.

I'm a new PP but also have a lot of experience with this, both as a kid myself, as a mom, and having worked for 2 different school districts around student behavior & discipline.

To have the FIRST advice be to give the bully hell and talk back, especially for a "shy sweet kid", is the WORST ADVICE EVER. Seriously, I'm not at all defending the bully, but this is her MO. If OP's son has as his first response the next time "Shut it Larla, nobody cares what you think!" she's just going to get way more angry, and who do you really think is going to win the ongoing battle of meanness then? No way is "Shut up Larla! No wonder your dad left you." the first line of response.

OP I haven't seen you say here what you HAVE DONE so far in terms of talking to the school. Does this girl bully your DS all day? In certain classes? Have you found out from your son when and where, and then talked to at least some of the teachers whose classrooms or under whose watch this bullying occurs? Even if it's subtle and not very obvious, those teachers know the classroom dynamics better than anyone else and you should be asking them what they see, tell them what your DS is experiencing, and see what advice they give or what they say they'll do to address the bully. If anything.

Then ask what happens if they don't follow through. And ask what happens if they DO follow through, talk to bully, and she keeps it up or turns up the heat. Find out from the teachers or the school's Behavior Specialist/VP/whoever is in charge of discipline at her school, find out from them the ladder of response if the bully keeps going.

And if the teachers say they can't talk about another student who isn't your child with you, then say "Ok, let's just say my child experiences THIS (and describe the exact bullying). Under the policies in this school, what is the school's response to this KIND of behavior? I'm not asking about Larla, I'm asking in general what is expected of school staff under this kind of situation?"

This is where I go to the PP's list above and go to:

2. Stay on top of the school.

3. Ask to see security footage if there's ever a more serious exchange, and ask quickly and on the spot. It can be really hard to get schools to produce security footage days or weeks later.

4. And a BIG YES to therapy for your DS if it continues, or even now to see what hes' feeling and how it's affecting him. Often by the time you find out about it, bullying has been going on for awhile and a child has just tried to suppress all the crappy feelings it brings. Checkign in with a therapist is a great idea and also tells your kid you are concerned about their feelings and you're taking it all really seriously.

Do all that and THEN maybe test DC's readiness for talking shit back. My oldest DD is mostly very kind and gracious, and defends a lot of kids being bullied. But we also raised her to have a lot of friends who were boys, so she gets a lot of shit from friends and dishes it right back to them, and the real bullies tend to not mess with her. But when someone does pick on her and really means it, she does not go straight for the jugular. Because she knows if she really hits back verbally, often SHE gets in trouble because by then everyone is watchng and listening to see how she responds. But she will call them out and most of the time the teachers trust her side of what is going on because she does NOT stoop to the level of the bully and say crap like "That's why your father left you".

Then there's also karma, which we as a family believe in, but even if you don't, asking a shy sweet kid to curse out his bully is NOT a good first move at all. You're just begging for this sweet kid to get his ass whooped verbally or even physically and he sounds totally unprepared to really defend himself. Don't set him up that way.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely take the higher ground at first, talking to the school etc. But in my experience this only works for your low level mean kids, who often aren’t true bullies just not very nice but can self correct and actually fear consequences.

I agree with fighting back, and make sure your kid knows that they won’t be in trouble at home if they do (all this anti bullying school messaging often makes naturally sweet/compliant kids thinking it’s really bad to do these things even in self defense) and I think learning some comebacks is good over time but there’s no way a quiet and shy middle schooler is going to be able to do any of these suggested things with ease. Which will make it worse if they get laughed at.

You need an older sibling or older neighbor to do it for them. If he’s in 6th grade and knows any especially cool 8th graders, that’s the best scenario. My girls are 2 years apart and my oldest daughter who is very socially savvy, ballsy, popular, fought a lot of battles for her sister and her friends. Her methods weren’t any better than some of the suggestions here and oh boy did they work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I've been flamed for this before, but after you've tried all the reasonable approaches (talking to the counselor, telling son to ignore, meeting with the principal, etc), its time to fight fire with fire.

And thats what you need to find out something about the girl, or her family.

Are her parents divorced? Then tell your DS to say "shut the f%$ck up, Sally. No wonder your Dad left you. I can't stand the sound of your voice either"

Is her mom a little chubby, then its something like "Sally, is true that they are making your mom buy two seats to the musical, because she's so fat."

Or, is she's spreading rumors about DS playing with himself "Sally, you little f%$cking slut. Just because you're daydreaming about my c@ck, doesnt mean I'm taking it out in class. Try to keep stay in reality with the rest of us"

Yup - do not hold back. Hurt her feelings so badly that it is so firmly imprinted in her brain and she is so humiliated that she never says anything again. And then for reinforcement, every time he sees her, make a comment in reference to that - ie, if he called her fat, the next day say, "uh oh, wide load approaching". If she has no boobs, say "here comes the itty bitty bitty committee!" If she's dumb/gets bad grades, very slowly exaggeratedly reiterate a concept from the previous day, like, "okay, Larla, remember, you only multiply x when y happens, are you sure you understand?" Or say something about her to one of his friends, point and laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree to fight back and be smart about it. DH was targeted by a bully (from a wealthy and well-known family..) in high school who would often spit on him, shove his backpack, spread rumors about his gay friends, etc.

DH took matters into his own hands and made giant posters and put them up all around town and around campus (but not on school grounds) with funny and salacious rumors about the bully... won't repeat them here. Bully had the family lawyer threaten DH but DH calmly explained that if they tried to sue, DH would counter sue for assault and he had a list of many kids and witnesses willing to testify against the bully. Bully never bullied DH or anyone else from school after this and decades later people from their high school still talk about it and congratulate DH for shutting down the bully...

The posters are probably a bad idea. I know someone who did this and they were suspended. A word to the wise.

Agree to ask for the footage and have a lawyer contact the school, OP. If it is FCPS, then trust that nothing will happen to the bully, because the bully has likely been in trouble before, and the parents know how to get the bully out of trouble. I have witnessed physical assaults (plural) in FCPS, and nothing happened to the assailant (caught on camera), so be aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I've been flamed for this before, but after you've tried all the reasonable approaches (talking to the counselor, telling son to ignore, meeting with the principal, etc), its time to fight fire with fire.

And thats what you need to find out something about the girl, or her family.

Are her parents divorced? Then tell your DS to say "shut the f%$ck up, Sally. No wonder your Dad left you. I can't stand the sound of your voice either"

Is her mom a little chubby, then its something like "Sally, is true that they are making your mom buy two seats to the musical, because she's so fat."

Or, is she's spreading rumors about DS playing with himself "Sally, you little f%$cking slut. Just because you're daydreaming about my c@ck, doesnt mean I'm taking it out in class. Try to keep stay in reality with the rest of us"

Yup - do not hold back. Hurt her feelings so badly that it is so firmly imprinted in her brain and she is so humiliated that she never says anything again. And then for reinforcement, every time he sees her, make a comment in reference to that - ie, if he called her fat, the next day say, "uh oh, wide load approaching". If she has no boobs, say "here comes the itty bitty bitty committee!" If she's dumb/gets bad grades, very slowly exaggeratedly reiterate a concept from the previous day, like, "okay, Larla, remember, you only multiply x when y happens, are you sure you understand?" Or say something about her to one of his friends, point and laugh.

That's correct.

It can't be just "Shut up, Larla" or "Whatever Larla, nobody cares what you think."

It has to be so hurtful and humiliating. Which is why the stuff about dad leaving, or mom being fat are perfect; it'll cause so much shame in this girl that she will be forced to be quiet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Then there's also karma, which we as a family believe in, but even if you don't, asking a shy sweet kid to curse out his bully is NOT a good first move at all. You're just begging for this sweet kid to get his ass whooped verbally or even physically and he sounds totally unprepared to really defend himself. Don't set him up that way.

The PP was pretty clear that this approach can only be done after you've exhausted your other options. Nobody would recommend it as a good first move.

But when all other options have failed (and trust me, asking for help from the school will likely fail), its fine to teach them to stand up for themselves. To fight fire with fire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I've been flamed for this before, but after you've tried all the reasonable approaches (talking to the counselor, telling son to ignore, meeting with the principal, etc), its time to fight fire with fire.

And thats what you need to find out something about the girl, or her family.

Are her parents divorced? Then tell your DS to say "shut the f%$ck up, Sally. No wonder your Dad left you. I can't stand the sound of your voice either"

Is her mom a little chubby, then its something like "Sally, is true that they are making your mom buy two seats to the musical, because she's so fat."

Or, is she's spreading rumors about DS playing with himself "Sally, you little f%$cking slut. Just because you're daydreaming about my c@ck, doesnt mean I'm taking it out in class. Try to keep stay in reality with the rest of us"

Yup - do not hold back. Hurt her feelings so badly that it is so firmly imprinted in her brain and she is so humiliated that she never says anything again. And then for reinforcement, every time he sees her, make a comment in reference to that - ie, if he called her fat, the next day say, "uh oh, wide load approaching". If she has no boobs, say "here comes the itty bitty bitty committee!" If she's dumb/gets bad grades, very slowly exaggeratedly reiterate a concept from the previous day, like, "okay, Larla, remember, you only multiply x when y happens, are you sure you understand?" Or say something about her to one of his friends, point and laugh.

That's correct.

It can't be just "Shut up, Larla" or "Whatever Larla, nobody cares what you think."

It has to be so hurtful and humiliating. Which is why the stuff about dad leaving, or mom being fat are perfect; it'll cause so much shame in this girl that she will be forced to be quiet

Agree. This girl needs to be shamed. Nothing else is working.