Bullying: How do you deal?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| My middle schooler is a very shy, sweet, not very outgoing (read: nerdy) kid. There is a girl at their middle school who has been relentlessly bullying him. Apart from a desire to punch a little girl in her non-existent boobs, how do I deal with this outside of school? Right now I'm relying on the school to handle, but I'm struggling a bit on how I can best support my kid. I'm trying really hard to offer empathy for the bully, and rather focus on supporting on my kid, but ugh, this is hard! I wasn't bullied as a kid, so this is new territory. What have you all done in this situation? How do you handle this as the parent? |
Anonymous
|
Firstly, a nerd is someone who is studious and brainy, gets good grades, etc. Shy, sweet and not outgoing doesn't make someone nerdy.
You need to let go of trying to find empathy for the girl bullying your kid. Teach your kid to get loud and shut her shit down. "Shut it, Larla!" "Ugh, nobody cares what you think about me, Larla!" |
Anonymous
|
Ugh. I’m sorry. My son was bullied in middle school and it was awful. I felt so helpless. It did resolve and he is very happy and has friends etc in high school.
What is the girl saying/doing exactly, and when is it happening (class, lunch, bus etc)? Is she getting others to join in, or is it just her? How does DS typically react? More info is helpful in terms of giving any advice.. |
Anonymous
|
OP here -
She makes comments about him in the halls, will tell him to shut up when he's talking with friends, she just started a rumor about him playing with his penis in math class (another girl told DS), she is mean to DS in class but quietly enough to not be caught. I'm not really sure about friends. My DS says they just ignore her, but it's so constant DS is in tears most nights. I will definitely encourage DS to stand up to her, and be loud about it. That's really good advice! I'll take all the advice! |
Anonymous
|
So I've been flamed for this before, but after you've tried all the reasonable approaches (talking to the counselor, telling son to ignore, meeting with the principal, etc), its time to fight fire with fire.
And thats what you need to find out something about the girl, or her family. Are her parents divorced? Then tell your DS to say "shut the f%$ck up, Sally. No wonder your Dad left you. I can't stand the sound of your voice either" Is her mom a little chubby, then its something like "Sally, is true that they are making your mom buy two seats to the musical, because she's so fat." Or, is she's spreading rumors about DS playing with himself "Sally, you little f%$cking slut. Just because you're daydreaming about my c@ck, doesnt mean I'm taking it out in class. Try to keep stay in reality with the rest of us" |
Anonymous
+1 Generally agree. I might tone it down a little, but agree with the general advice. No flames here. |
Anonymous
| This is the total opposite of what I would have expected. Not gonna lie, this was my first instinct, and I'm glad to hear this. I will definitely tell my kid to let her have it! |
Anonymous
| Fight back (at least verbally) and don't be an easy target. |
Anonymous
| How does your kid want to handle it? You can tell him that if ignoring doesn’t work then he can insult back or tell her to f off or whatever, but if that’s not his natural inclination, it might fall flat and just fuel it. I think the important part is letting him know he has agency and you’ll back him up if need be (like if he gets in trouble for swearing at a bully), but that he should do what is the most comfortable for him (within an acceptable range). |
Anonymous
I’m sorry OP My daughter was bullied on the bus by a boy in six grade the school did nothing. Absolutely agree with this. |
Anonymous
|
Agree to fight back and be smart about it. DH was targeted by a bully (from a wealthy and well-known family..) in high school who would often spit on him, shove his backpack, spread rumors about his gay friends, etc.
DH took matters into his own hands and made giant posters and put them up all around town and around campus (but not on school grounds) with funny and salacious rumors about the bully... won't repeat them here. Bully had the family lawyer threaten DH but DH calmly explained that if they tried to sue, DH would counter sue for assault and he had a list of many kids and witnesses willing to testify against the bully. Bully never bullied DH or anyone else from school after this and decades later people from their high school still talk about it and congratulate DH for shutting down the bully... |
Anonymous
|
Oh I’ve got years of experience here with two different school districts. It sucks.
1. Agree to teach him to fight back. No flames for PP. I actually might steal some of those for my kid! 2. Stay on top of the school. Call the principal. Know how they are supposed to handle incidents (both policy and their training). Call out their shit EVERY TIME they don’t follow it. You have no idea how many times a teacher has told my kid “Just ignore it” while not having any consequences for the bully. That is not an approach backed by research and they all know it. 3. Ask the school to review security footage if needed. This is how I proved kids were pushing my child off the lunch bench and not letting her eat. 4. Get your kid into therapy. Bullying takes a toll. I didn’t realize just how much it was affecting DD until she threatened suicide at school at 11 years old. |
Anonymous
| When DS1 was being bullied, DS2 found his bully and punched him in the face repeatedly. He was never bullied again. If that's not an option, give her the green light to fight back and protect herself. |
Anonymous
What is wrong with you? She's a tween girl. You are supposedly a grown woman. |
Anonymous
|