9-year-old still not showering independently without needing assistance

[Anonymous]

Make sure it's not the shower. Those low flow showers are hard to use! I stayed with a friend and I had to stand in her shower forever trying to get the shampoo, and then the conditioner out of my hair.

[Anonymous]

My 9 year old showers on her own, still working it it - but every so often I just go into the bathroom and give her verbal instructions on what to do and why she should.

It might seem obvious to us that of course you need to get your hair completely wet before putting on shampoo, or you should put a quarter size dollop in your hands, rub them together and put it in your hair so it gets evenly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re expecting too much. She’s barely 9. Think about how many adults have regular salon visits to get their hair washed properly. I think you can either focus on independence OR micromanage how she uses the products. If you care so much about the products, put them in travel sized containers or give her a measuring spoon. Honestly, I think you should help her wash her hair.

FWIW though, I’m Black, and I’d expect to have to help with washing and styling hair at least until adolescence, and getting a pro when needed.

I agree with all this. My 10 yo has really long hair. She washes it independently, but I comb it before she turns off the shower to make sure it's rinsed. Then I put in a leave-in and braid it for her. She *can* do this herself and does it at camp, but probably couldn't at 8-9 nor does she do it as well on her own. And we only got here by putting her back in the shower if she came out unrinsed.

Also if you aren't already using a pump dispenser for shampoo, that may help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old cannot and also loves to waste products but it doesn't bother me. Once a week I make sure its done properly and otherwise just let them figure it out.

I guess the natural consequence is if she wastes her nice products she won’t get more till the next gift giving season.

If she was more mindful I wouldn’t mine buying them more often.

Eh, you want her to use enough product, though. I would let this go, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re expecting too much. She’s barely 9. Think about how many adults have regular salon visits to get their hair washed properly. I think you can either focus on independence OR micromanage how she uses the products. If you care so much about the products, put them in travel sized containers or give her a measuring spoon. Honestly, I think you should help her wash her hair.

FWIW though, I’m Black, and I’d expect to have to help with washing and styling hair at least until adolescence, and getting a pro when needed.

Thank you. She’s my oldest and is very mature so sometimes I think I’m guilty of expecting too much of her.

I have a question, because this topic of shower independence comes up a ton on DCUM - are you doing something else at that time, so that you can't help her shower? Or is it a feeling she needs bodily privacy? Something else? It just seems so common that people are frustrated with their young kids for not managing bathroom routines alone. I feel like it's normal to have to help kids do stuff, especially boring stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old cannot and also loves to waste products but it doesn't bother me. Once a week I make sure its done properly and otherwise just let them figure it out.

I guess the natural consequence is if she wastes her nice products she won’t get more till the next gift giving season.

If she was more mindful I wouldn’t mine buying them more often.

Have you talked with her about this in terms that an 8/9 year old can clearly understand? Like: One pump, or one capful, or a squirt the size of a quarter should be enough — less for body wash if you use a body sponge. Shampoo your hair and rinse — until you don’t see any more suds. Then use 2 quarter sized squirts of conditioner. Then rinse it until the rinse water is clear.

OP, I’m not assuming that you haven’t done this, just pointing out that the size of a quarter is easy to remember, and that at 9, she may have no idea that different products should be used in different amounts, and even different brands of the same types of products can be used in different amounts.

tldr: If you want her to be more mindful, give her cues (size of a quarter) and aids (one squirt or two capfuls) that can help her to do this. I, personally, wouldn’t expect a 9 year old to know how much conditioner is “enough “. So I’d both give some easy ways to measure it and expect some experimentation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, hair washing (and brushing) takes some children a long time to be able to do independently.

This for my child. Still as an adult has issues over it. aspergers (ASD)/ADHD/Anxiety

[Anonymous]

My kids were showering independently by age 7. But they have short, easy to wash hair that never tangles, even when wet.

Try a foam shampoo and foam body wash. It’s easier to work into the scalp and also less wasteful. You can make your own by using a foaming pump and diluting the shampoo/body wash with purified water.

[Anonymous]

Use soap/shampoo/conditioner with a pump and nothing that smells really good. I always check my daughters' hair before they get out of the shower (8 and 10) because sometimes they won't even get the front of their hair wet and they frequently don't rinse all the conditioner out.

[Anonymous]

My 8.5 year old daughter needs help. She has tried a few times but she can’t properly wash and condition her hair. It has to be brushed in the shower with conditioner or it’s a hopeless tangle. She will definitely need another year.

[Anonymous]

This thread is very surprising to me. I do not mean that as a critique at all of anyone who responded. I think it’s just one of those things where parenting standards change over time. I remember showering, brushing, and braiding independently from about 4 onwards. No help ever.

Have you down her in detail how much product to use and how to work fingers through the hair? As in, do it on yourself in front of her and make her watch? And discuss technique as you go? And has you asked her why she wastes so much product? Maybe her answer will surprise you or guide you in how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re expecting too much. She’s barely 9. Think about how many adults have regular salon visits to get their hair washed properly. I think you can either focus on independence OR micromanage how she uses the products. If you care so much about the products, put them in travel sized containers or give her a measuring spoon. Honestly, I think you should help her wash her hair.

FWIW though, I’m Black, and I’d expect to have to help with washing and styling hair at least until adolescence, and getting a pro when needed.

Thank you. She’s my oldest and is very mature so sometimes I think I’m guilty of expecting too much of her.

I have a question, because this topic of shower independence comes up a ton on DCUM - are you doing something else at that time, so that you can't help her shower? Or is it a feeling she needs bodily privacy? Something else? It just seems so common that people are frustrated with their young kids for not managing bathroom routines alone. I feel like it's normal to have to help kids do stuff, especially boring stuff.

A mixture of both. I have two young children (8 months and 22 months) so around shower time my hands are full.

But, of course, I can help her if need be.

She does want the independence and privacy. She loves to think she’s 13, not 9 and likes to do these little “spa day” role plays by herself in the bathroom.

I’m just a little frustrated that we’ve gone over the steps or how to throughly wash and condition hair, how to rinse and how much product to use numerous times a week for over a year and still seem to be struggling.

I think I just needed a better perspective as to if this was normal or not for her age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is very surprising to me. I do not mean that as a critique at all of anyone who responded. I think it’s just one of those things where parenting standards change over time. I remember showering, brushing, and braiding independently from about 4 onwards. No help ever.

Have you down her in detail how much product to use and how to work fingers through the hair? As in, do it on yourself in front of her and make her watch? And discuss technique as you go? And has you asked her why she wastes so much product? Maybe her answer will surprise you or guide you in how to handle it.

I’ve gone over it with her many many many times. Use this amount of shampoo and this amount of conditioner. Rinse for this long and like this, your hair should feel a this way when it’s all rinsed out.

I think she’s capable but she just “forgets” or doesn’t want to do it. The wetting her hair and saying she washed (when she didn’t) gets to me the most because she’s lying.

[Anonymous]

Just help her wash her hair. It only takes a few minutes. My kid the same age has very long hair… she washes it, but still needs help getting all of the shampoo & conditioner out, do I help her. She does the rest of showering alone.

To the PP who could wash, brush and braid her own hair at age 4, good for you, but that’s not common.