Failure to thrive - Mid and late 20s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There seems to be two distinct camps. Those who feel that the adult children are adults and those who feel that they are still children. You can love your kids and still expect basic respect.

Not sure where you got that idea. My 21 year old is an adult, not a child. YET, he still needs guidance, support, and structure due to underlying mental health issues. There are not two distinct camps. There are shades of gray, that's what many are saying here. 18 or high school graduation is not a magic cut off date where kids stop needing parental help. Yes they are legal adults, but many are still a good distance away from being fully independent.

- not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH, or you, a narcissist?

Spend less time on TikTok, sweetie. Not everyone who doesn't give you exactly what you think you deserve is a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Agree with those who said your “handful” two need more assistance, and honestly probably always did. Your contempt for them comes through loud and clear and I would guess that whether or not you’re aware of it, they certainly were. Kids who know that their parental love is conditional or contingent act out. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean "they were handfuls"?

You’ve never heard that phrase before?

More details are needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your DH, or you, a narcissist?

NP. Oh ffs, I hope this is a joke.

[Anonymous]

I think you meant Failure to LAUNCH, OP

Failure to THRIVE is a medical diagnosis and completely unrelated to your uninformed self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a family of four. Two of us launched easily/successfully. The other two didn't. You know what the difference was? The two kids who struggled had VERY SIGNFICANT mental health and/or cognitive challenges.

Your kids aren't struggling because it's fun - it's more likely that there are other barriers for them, perhaps ones you know about (but maybe ones you don't).

This is true but it still doesn't mean anything goes and the parents are an unlimited piggy bank. My brother was diagnosed and treated for ADHD from elementary school and was like this in his 20s. I get that he needed more help, but expecting your parents to do and pay everything for you *and still* lashing out at them and blaming them for all your problems is not fair and ok. Fortunately he's in a better place in his 30s, but people who are struggling still don't get to treat others like crap.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s failure to launch
Failure to thrive is for babies that aren’t thriving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There seems to be two distinct camps. Those who feel that the adult children are adults and those who feel that they are still children. You can love your kids and still expect basic respect.

Not sure where you got that idea. My 21 year old is an adult, not a child. YET, he still needs guidance, support, and structure due to underlying mental health issues. There are not two distinct camps. There are shades of gray, that's what many are saying here. 18 or high school graduation is not a magic cut off date where kids stop needing parental help. Yes they are legal adults, but many are still a good distance away from being fully independent.

- not OP

Not about your kid. Also 21 is very different than 26/28. Make your own thread.

- not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s failure to launch
Failure to thrive is for babies that aren’t thriving.

FTT also used for emaciated elderly patients.

[Anonymous]

I have one who has “failed to launch” and one who is launched to the point where they barely give us parents the time of day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There seems to be two distinct camps. Those who feel that the adult children are adults and those who feel that they are still children. You can love your kids and still expect basic respect.

Not sure where you got that idea. My 21 year old is an adult, not a child. YET, he still needs guidance, support, and structure due to underlying mental health issues. There are not two distinct camps. There are shades of gray, that's what many are saying here. 18 or high school graduation is not a magic cut off date where kids stop needing parental help. Yes they are legal adults, but many are still a good distance away from being fully independent.

- not OP

Not about your kid. Also 21 is very different than 26/28. Make your own thread.

- not OP

Don't be rude. If OP had gotten her sons help at 20-21 then maybe they'd be in a better predicament today.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Failure to Launch should have been what I wrote. Sorry, I goofed. We have tried hard to address their needs their whole lives. They have always been reluctant to work. They don’t feel like the rules of life apply to them. I have zero contempt for my sons. I love them very much. We are just exasperated. We would always help them with mental health issues if they asked us to. They do not believe that they have any mental health issues and get very annoyed if we suggest it.

The other kids see what goes on and let us know loud and clear that they feel we have given them too much financial support and too much energy.

We are now at a time where we both have unwell parents as well as other stressors that require our attention. Obviously, we made mistakes as parents. We did not push them out the door at 18, 20, 22, etc. At their ages, with the school and financial support they received, we just have to draw some lines. Their attitudes while living with us let us know
that things weren’t heading in a good direction. We are not going to be treated poorly by grown men. Thanks for all the feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Failure to Launch should have been what I wrote. Sorry, I goofed. We have tried hard to address their needs their whole lives. They have always been reluctant to work. They don’t feel like the rules of life apply to them. I have zero contempt for my sons. I love them very much. We are just exasperated. We would always help them with mental health issues if they asked us to. They do not believe that they have any mental health issues and get very annoyed if we suggest it.

The other kids see what goes on and let us know loud and clear that they feel we have given them too much financial support and too much energy.

We are now at a time where we both have unwell parents as well as other stressors that require our attention. Obviously, we made mistakes as parents. We did not push them out the door at 18, 20, 22, etc. At their ages, with the school and financial support they received, we just have to draw some lines. Their attitudes while living with us let us know
that things weren’t heading in a good direction. We are not going to be treated poorly by grown men. Thanks for all the feedback.

Sorry OP, but you’re going to be subject to multiple threads on DCUM saying you’re either not doing enough for the two FTL kids or you’re doing too much (threads started by your other two kids).

[Anonymous]

Haha. Funny and true.