Struggles with high IQ kids

[Anonymous]

Disclaimer: this is NOT a humble brag. Also, I'm still forming my thoughts on this so take it easy on me.

TLDR: does my child's intelligence cause or contribute to her struggles, and will her life in general be harder?

The other day I saw someone point out that an IQ of 130 is as far away from average as an IQ of 70. I thought an IQ of 130 was high but not *that* high; after all, two percent of the population is still a hell of a lot of people. But my perspective changes when I think about it in terms of deviation from average (or median? I dunno).

Somebody with an IQ of 70 has a perspective and struggles that I don't really understand. Are people with an IQ of >130 living in a world that is hard to understand if you're closer to average? And we all know that if you are raising a child with an IQ of 70 you are going to have different expectations than you will if you are raising an average child. Should our expectations (and hopes and dreams) for high IQ kids be different too?

DD has an IQ of 132, and in the verbal section is was 141 or something. She's 15 and goodness she has always been so hard to parent. Dx'd with ADHD, ASD level 1, anxiety, and depression. Our current struggles: she is barely passing her classes despite tons of accommodations and support for ADHD and emotional issues, shows little interest in a traditional successful career path, argues with me about basic things like how I think she should get her hair cut professionally instead of going around with the chop job she did herself, her room is seriously unhygienic, etc. My other child, whose IQ I don't know but I imagine is lower, shows interest in getting good grades, having a career, going to college, etc. Also, he does things like immediately clean up his spills, brush his teeth a full two minutes without a fight, etc. He too has ADHD and emotional issues, but I'm sure his future will be fine. His ADHD and emotional issues are there but don't interfere with his life to the extent that DD's do.

DD has done so much therapy and we are on the waitlist for PHP. We have done all the ADHD, anxiety, and depression stuff. I'm wondering if any posters here have tailored their parenting approaches to help kids with high IQs? Those who have kids who think they can just reason their way through life instead of also living and experiencing it?

[Anonymous]

It’s not the IQ. It’s the ASD etc. my high Iq kids are motivated etc.

I’m sorry you’re struggling

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think it’s hard (I have a kid with a similar profile) because he is very aware of his failures and differences, and that is mostly painful. But on the other hand the intelligence is a strength too, and hopefully a way to compensate at least partly for weaknesses.

I think it’s important to keep in mind that it’s not intelligence causing these issues. It’s not because of the high iq that he’s lonely, depressed, lethargic. Those are autism related. Lots of highly intelligent people are not autistic.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's harder because it's harder to find a school setting that meets their academic needs as well as their support needs.

But the needing to "reason their way through life" is the ASD. It's because of rigidity and a lack of perspective-taking. There are plenty of high-IQ people who have great social skills and flexibility and are not argumentative.

[Anonymous]

You're right that 130 is not really that high. Yes, it's 2% of the population at large, but among people you know if you're a middle or upper-income person, it's a bigger percentage. It's certainly not enough to provide a really truly different life experience. It just makes some things easier.

Sincerely, a person with a 130+ IQ who is not having a significantly different life experience because of it.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is autistic and your son is not.
That’s why your daughter behaves the way she does.

[Anonymous]

Spearman's law of diminishing return in IQ.

yes there is a diminishing return in IQ higher than 120 but 130 isn't that much higher so I'd compare it more to 110.

Also returns don't diminish from the mean hey diminish above 120.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a lot of confidence that higher IQs are all that impactful. Both my husband and I have substantially higher IQs than you're talking about, and we're boring people who have used our brains for fairly lucrative work but aren't doing anything world-shattering. (I'll point out that the woman with the highest measured IQ never graduated from college and writes a newspaper column, rather than doing cancer research or coming up with a way to harness fusion energy.) IQ doesn't cover the spectrum of human talents. I am significantly quicker to learn coding or differential equations than my peers, but I'm no wiser or more insightful.

I am also autistic and my husband has ADHD. We both developed elaborate masking and executive function coping techniques, and I think high intelligence helped with that.

My two cents, for what they're worth, is that intelligence makes problem-solving easier. Autism and depression make for a lot of problems. So intelligence is a way to mitigate some of the difficulties of the rest of my brain chemistry. For example, my employer is happy to let me work from home and hyperfocus on one topic because I'm a talented mathematician. It's a lot harder to get accommodations if your job is in a service industry.

The number one thing I try to emphasize with my kids is that learning to work is critical. Smart kids can be used to everything coming without effort. There will eventually be a time when you can't just be smart at something and have it fall into place. That can be particularly painful for those of us with a tendency to perfectionism, anxiety, depression, etc. So lots of experience doing things that don't come naturally is helpful in preventing perfectionist paralysis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not the IQ. It’s the ASD etc. my high Iq kids are motivated etc.

I’m sorry you’re struggling

Absolutely agree. My high IQ non-ADHDer is doing great. My high IQ ADHD kid has a much harder time.

[Anonymous]

I hear your question… wondering whether there is something you *should* be doing due to high IQ and aren’t. I don’t think that’s the case. I actually think all of this is just evidence of the overemphasis by society on IQ.

[Anonymous]

Op that’s a barely gifted iq. In this are I’d say something like 60% of the kids fall in that range if not higher. It’s not the iq. It’s the autism.

[Anonymous]

Op I have a similar child. The problem is the AdHd and ASD. It can make problems seem less typical or mask them but it is not the problem. There is sometimes a problem with my expectations of high iq. My child may wow teachers sometimes but is still disabled. It is hard in its own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disclaimer: this is NOT a humble brag. Also, I'm still forming my thoughts on this so take it easy on me.

TLDR: does my child's intelligence cause or contribute to her struggles, and will her life in general be harder?

The other day I saw someone point out that an IQ of 130 is as far away from average as an IQ of 70. I thought an IQ of 130 was high but not *that* high; after all, two percent of the population is still a hell of a lot of people. But my perspective changes when I think about it in terms of deviation from average (or median? I dunno).

Somebody with an IQ of 70 has a perspective and struggles that I don't really understand. Are people with an IQ of >130 living in a world that is hard to understand if you're closer to average? And we all know that if you are raising a child with an IQ of 70 you are going to have different expectations than you will if you are raising an average child. Should our expectations (and hopes and dreams) for high IQ kids be different too?

DD has an IQ of 132, and in the verbal section is was 141 or something. She's 15 and goodness she has always been so hard to parent. Dx'd with ADHD, ASD level 1, anxiety, and depression. Our current struggles: she is barely passing her classes despite tons of accommodations and support for ADHD and emotional issues, shows little interest in a traditional successful career path, argues with me about basic things like how I think she should get her hair cut professionally instead of going around with the chop job she did herself, her room is seriously unhygienic, etc. My other child, whose IQ I don't know but I imagine is lower, shows interest in getting good grades, having a career, going to college, etc. Also, he does things like immediately clean up his spills, brush his teeth a full two minutes without a fight, etc. He too has ADHD and emotional issues, but I'm sure his future will be fine. His ADHD and emotional issues are there but don't interfere with his life to the extent that DD's do.

DD has done so much therapy and we are on the waitlist for PHP. We have done all the ADHD, anxiety, and depression stuff. I'm wondering if any posters here have tailored their parenting approaches to help kids with high IQs? Those who have kids who think they can just reason their way through life instead of also living and experiencing it?

Our neurologist said the answer to this question is yes, because it's easier to be average. And then there's also the other stuff. Suggest browsing some of the 2e and gifted blogs and sites for ideas.

[Anonymous]

I hear you! I think it's a combination of the IQ and the other issues. The IQ means they are generally right about things and often can slide into a sense that they are always right - and I think it makes it harder to cope when things are hard. My kid has little perseverance because he often doesn't have to work all that hard (at least academically). Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

It's difficult because you have a twice exceptional kid, not a straight-up gifted kid.

I have one of each, and the parenting difference is night and day. I am STILL micromanaging the twice exceptional ASD/ADHD/OCD/low processor kid, *who is in college*. Otherwise he's just going to gently roll down the "failure to launch" hill and go to sleep at the bottom. For ever. It's mind-boggling the every day stuff I need to explain, because apparently his brain is stuck in impractical conundrums of the professorial ivory tower type. Last time, I checked, tenure was very hard to get and the non-tenured professors live out of their cars with no health insurance. Sigh.

My gifted kid (who has manageable levels of social anxiety and existential angst) is so easy. She understands most things. She does everything fast. She cooks. She cleans. She socializes. She's spent all her school life quietly reading and drawing in her advanced classes while others finish their work.

Best of luck, OP. What I tell myself is that I will help my kids not close doors for themselves until I wither and float away. Continue to support your kid. It's a hard road.