Struggles with high IQ kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's harder because it's harder to find a school setting that meets their academic needs as well as their support needs.

But the needing to "reason their way through life" is the ASD. It's because of rigidity and a lack of perspective-taking. There are plenty of high-IQ people who have great social skills and flexibility and are not argumentative.

Yes this. It's not the IQ, though there is a correlation.

But I was tested at 147, my husband is about the same, and we have really normal lives and went to good colleges.

I was rebellious and still absolutely hate bossy people. I do think that correlates with high IQ. Once she has true responsibility for her own life, that will help that part.

[Anonymous]

An above average IQ means that a person can coast thru a lot of things that are harder with a normal IQ. Except for the autism. So it's a tangled mix.

I have a 99.9 percentile IQ. I am not autistic but I am not a super achiever either. Lazy. My husband is not as high IQ but more motivated and harder working and has achieved much more than I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a lot of confidence that higher IQs are all that impactful. Both my husband and I have substantially higher IQs than you're talking about, and we're boring people who have used our brains for fairly lucrative work but aren't doing anything world-shattering. (I'll point out that the woman with the highest measured IQ never graduated from college and writes a newspaper column, rather than doing cancer research or coming up with a way to harness fusion energy.) IQ doesn't cover the spectrum of human talents. I am significantly quicker to learn coding or differential equations than my peers, but I'm no wiser or more insightful.

I am also autistic and my husband has ADHD. We both developed elaborate masking and executive function coping techniques, and I think high intelligence helped with that.

My two cents, for what they're worth, is that intelligence makes problem-solving easier. Autism and depression make for a lot of problems. So intelligence is a way to mitigate some of the difficulties of the rest of my brain chemistry. For example, my employer is happy to let me work from home and hyperfocus on one topic because I'm a talented mathematician. It's a lot harder to get accommodations if your job is in a service industry.

The number one thing I try to emphasize with my kids is that learning to work is critical. Smart kids can be used to everything coming without effort. There will eventually be a time when you can't just be smart at something and have it fall into place. That can be particularly painful for those of us with a tendency to perfectionism, anxiety, depression, etc. So lots of experience doing things that don't come naturally is helpful in preventing perfectionist paralysis.

Not OP, but appreciate this insightful response!

[Anonymous]

Not the IQ.

[Anonymous]

Agree it's not the IQ.

[Anonymous]

How much time each day does she spend in front of a screen vs learning life skills?

[Anonymous]

I’m a high IQ woman with a VERY high IQ daughter who is also neurodiverse (ADHD so far but ASD has been mentioned before). I think the combination of being smart but with below average social skills is tough especially for women. I have a degree in and work in a very male dominated field and people are VERY quick to denigrate smart assertive women as bossy, combative, arrogant whatever you will and I have been walking that line my entire career. I don’t think my daughter will do that dance. And while she shouldn’t have to I do worry sometimes how she will make her way through the world as an adult. We focus on manners and she’s good about not bragging or outright comparing and so far she’s ok. We will see if it lasts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disclaimer: this is NOT a humble brag. Also, I'm still forming my thoughts on this so take it easy on me.

TLDR: does my child's intelligence cause or contribute to her struggles, and will her life in general be harder?

The other day I saw someone point out that an IQ of 130 is as far away from average as an IQ of 70. I thought an IQ of 130 was high but not *that* high; after all, two percent of the population is still a hell of a lot of people. But my perspective changes when I think about it in terms of deviation from average (or median? I dunno).

Somebody with an IQ of 70 has a perspective and struggles that I don't really understand. Are people with an IQ of >130 living in a world that is hard to understand if you're closer to average? And we all know that if you are raising a child with an IQ of 70 you are going to have different expectations than you will if you are raising an average child. Should our expectations (and hopes and dreams) for high IQ kids be different too?

DD has an IQ of 132, and in the verbal section is was 141 or something. She's 15 and goodness she has always been so hard to parent. Dx'd with ADHD, ASD level 1, anxiety, and depression. Our current struggles: she is barely passing her classes despite tons of accommodations and support for ADHD and emotional issues, shows little interest in a traditional successful career path, argues with me about basic things like how I think she should get her hair cut professionally instead of going around with the chop job she did herself, her room is seriously unhygienic, etc. My other child, whose IQ I don't know but I imagine is lower, shows interest in getting good grades, having a career, going to college, etc. Also, he does things like immediately clean up his spills, brush his teeth a full two minutes without a fight, etc. He too has ADHD and emotional issues, but I'm sure his future will be fine. His ADHD and emotional issues are there but don't interfere with his life to the extent that DD's do.

DD has done so much therapy and we are on the waitlist for PHP. We have done all the ADHD, anxiety, and depression stuff. I'm wondering if any posters here have tailored their parenting approaches to help kids with high IQs? Those who have kids who think they can just reason their way through life instead of also living and experiencing it?

This belligerence sounds like the ASD I.

I would focus on kindness, kindness, kindness or she will act like a narcissist.

Also practice saying basic normal things like:
I’m sorry, I forgot.

That’s much better than arguing that you did not forget what you did forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's harder because it's harder to find a school setting that meets their academic needs as well as their support needs.

But the needing to "reason their way through life" is the ASD. It's because of rigidity and a lack of perspective-taking. There are plenty of high-IQ people who have great social skills and flexibility and are not argumentative.

True.

ASD people do not have the lock on high IQ. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I have a similar child. The problem is the AdHd and ASD. It can make problems seem less typical or mask them but it is not the problem. There is sometimes a problem with my expectations of high iq. My child may wow teachers sometimes but is still disabled. It is hard in its own way.

+1 my 7 yr old’s vocabulary is off the charts but human emotions stump him and he can’t sit still long enough to get through the testing. It’s the AudHD.

-ADHD mom and Dad with IQs over 140 who are equally spacey

[Anonymous]

I've got one of these dc-she is dx ASD and gifted, with an IQ of 132. She's 9. It's weird-she's so smart and effortlessly gets A's in school, yet struggles with everyday things. Yesterday the teacher moved the kids' seats and that threw her for a loop. She isn't really interested in school or activities.

I'm currently trying to figure out next school year (I'm op of the thread 'should I homeschool my dc'). She needs some support for the ASD (particularly socially and sensory issues) but she also needs to be challenged academically and I'm finding this to be a hard combination to find.

[Anonymous]

It's also common for high functioning kids with ADHD or ASD to hit walls in high school and college because they often mask their issues by being smart, but that runs out eventually. Even very gifted kids have to learn how to focus and put the work in at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op that’s a barely gifted iq. In this are I’d say something like 60% of the kids fall in that range if not higher. It’s not the iq. It’s the autism.

60% of the parents in the area think their kids fall at 130 or higher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op that’s a barely gifted iq. In this are I’d say something like 60% of the kids fall in that range if not higher. It’s not the iq. It’s the autism.

60% of the parents in the area think their kids fall at 130 or higher.

To be fair - this is DCUM which attracts a certain profile of poster. And DC-metro is a destination for highly specialized professions in STEM/Govt/related fields. Dual PhD households are not uncommon. Hence, there is a likely higher percentage of students that fall within an above average range locally…

[Anonymous]

My child has similar profile with high IQ, asd, adhd, anxiety & etc. I think his high IQ result is coming from asd because he can super focus on something and learn intensively once he is interested, esp. logic and letters/numbers. He is so smart and effortlessly gets A's in school, but he struggles with everyday things. His asd affects his social, and his adhd affects his social and attention span. His anxiety makes it worse because he is struggling to accept failure and not being good.

I feel school is not challenging for him, but his mental age is younger than peers by 1-2 years. He is really naive, and things are either black and white. We have been trying to teach gray area and white lies. It is difficult to teach him "pretending" or telling lies in some situation, and he will throws you many WHY WHY WHY.