If you know your DIL/son-in-law dislikes you…

[Anonymous]

Do you care?
Do you feel the dislike is justified at all?
Does it affect you?
Have you tried to change it?

[Anonymous]

I would care if I wanted a relationship with them.
There are always 2 sides of every story. Each is the individuals truth.
You have to figure out why they don't like you, and then decide if and how you can change it--if you want the relationship fixed.
I don't think it matters nearly as much to the SIL/DIL as it does to the parent.

[Anonymous]

My mil might think I don’t like her.

But that’s not it.

It goes back to .. she isn’t aware that some of her behavior, words are (not purposely painful, she’s very kind) over the top annoying. And not just annoying, ineffective, not direct, not clear. She’s incredibly difficult to communicate with.

Something happened in her childhood to make her this way. So I can forgive it.

In other words:
No one is the a-hole.

She’s always kind, she’s not belittling or hurtful. She doesn’t do much wrong. It’s that the listening isn’t there, the actual understanding. Or the communicating what she wants. She can’t stand up for what she wants. It’s so difficult.

[Anonymous]

I don’t dislike my ILs per se, but I can only tolerate being with them for like a couple days in a row. DH, their son, feels the same way. They’re very nice but also very stubborn, and have no filter, and gossipy. So, they aren’t very fun to be around or have long conversations with. We also live far away from them so the relationship/non relationship is of no consequence to us, and DH chats with them maybe once every couple of months. To us, it is what it is. If they tried to build a deep relationship now, after two decades, I’d find it weird. So the time to build a relationship if you want one, is in the early stages OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you care?
Do you feel the dislike is justified at all?
Does it affect you?
Have you tried to change it?

I would be bothered and try to have good relationship with them so it wouldn't become an issue for my kids.

[Anonymous]

are you the same poster who posted about the resentment of the IL not helping with a wedding?

[Anonymous]

I would definitely care, and would want my DIL and SIL to like me.

I am age 52, and my kids are in their early 20's. My DD's boyfriend is wonderful, and so I try to be as likeable/normal as possible.

If one of my kids wanted to marry someone that did not seem like a good person, then it would be harder to fake it, but I would for the sake of my DD or DS.

My mom (age 81) was the perfect MIL. My brother and I both have married good/likeable people, and so my parents were thrilled. They wanted to be as likeable as possible (low key, chill, pleasant, generous).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:are you the same poster who posted about the resentment of the IL not helping with a wedding?

OP here. No, I’m curious to hear from people on this topic.

[Anonymous]

My MIL knows I don’t like her. I met one of her new close friends a couple of months ago and the woman was as cold as ice. I can’t say for sure but I bet the friend’s behavior was due to MIL talking poorly about me. Oh well, she doesn’t respect boundaries, is mean to DH, is very judgmental of us, tries to control our children and is an all around PITA. I’m sure she wishes things were different but I don’t think she has the motivation to flex her behavior.

[Anonymous]

My MIL also knows I don't like her. I'm fine with it, she pretends like she's unaware and that seems to work for her. It has definitely impacted her relationship with DH since he has seen for sometime that she does not treat me well. She also pretends like she doesn't realize she's lost a relationship with her son. I'm sure it all bothers her and hurts her but she also hasn't made any effort to reconcile or apologize for past behavior.

[Anonymous]

If it weren't for my MIL being hell bent on living with us while I was already overwhelmed with little children and hubby struggling to building a career. I was fine with financially supporting them but being physically responsible for two old people with deteriorating health while they had other kids and a home with servants in their home country.

[Anonymous]

Yes she knows. I have done everything up and beyond family expectations, and all she does is stab me in the back.

[Anonymous]

Not sure what my MIL knows, in this regard - as MIL knows so very little about me, even after all these decades. I have always been pleasant and polite. Early in the relationship, some of MILs rudeness, meanness, favoritism and clannishness shocked me, and I spoke up. What I did not know at the time is that narcissistic people never (ever) admit they are wrong, and never (ever) apologize.

To compound matters, MIL said some really rude and hurtful things to me over the decades - not just totally inappropriate, really out of line, mean and hurtful things - things that even if one had no filter, one would no not to say. Things most grown adults know not to say, and I would not say to a stranger. When MIL did so it was always 1:1, when no one else was in the room to hear her antics.

When I told DH, he was not at all surprised, and I was given the strong impression that MIL was always a bully that was checked out unless it suited her (even though she definitely doesn't look like a bully, she seems to use this to her advantage) - that was a new one for me, as I was raised by extended family, and we were consistently respectful of each other as adults. We were not perfect, but we did not do that.

DH also helped SIL out so much that SIL never could repay DH, even if SIL wanted to (she doesn't). In MIL and SIL's mind, they are takers, and you are expected to give. So, there is no gratitude or inclusion. Instead, SIL became angry when the generous assistance ended (not by our choice). Of course, SIL's version is SIL's version. Not sure if SIL knows what really happened, I only know the version that SIL was given by DH, since he knew SIL would be a problem. I did not want DH in the line of fire, or the target of SIL's rage, as he had been all his life.

It has circled back to me that MIL goes around talking smack and tells certain people "she just doesn't like (me)!!!" - which is hilarious, because there honestly is no reason. MIL's friends seem genuinely surprised when they meet us. We have never asked for anything, and SIL would not so much as go in on a nice present DH and I gladly bought for MIL (so we gave it ourselves, NBD).

It is just a weird exercise in non-inclusiveness, being sneaky and narcissism. DH says he would not want to be them, and I have to agree.

So, it is not that I do not like MIL, it is that she teaches DH and I what not to do. She is fine, as long as she does not get me alone, but the cornering is something that both she and SIL do, and DH and I find it unhealthy, at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what my MIL knows, in this regard - as MIL knows so very little about me, even after all these decades. I have always been pleasant and polite. Early in the relationship, some of MILs rudeness, meanness, favoritism and clannishness shocked me, and I spoke up. What I did not know at the time is that narcissistic people never (ever) admit they are wrong, and never (ever) apologize.

To compound matters, MIL said some really rude and hurtful things to me over the decades - not just totally inappropriate, really out of line, mean and hurtful things - things that even if one had no filter, one would no not to say. Things most grown adults know not to say, and I would not say to a stranger. When MIL did so it was always 1:1, when no one else was in the room to hear her antics.

When I told DH, he was not at all surprised, and I was given the strong impression that MIL was always a bully that was checked out unless it suited her (even though she definitely doesn't look like a bully, she seems to use this to her advantage) - that was a new one for me, as I was raised by extended family, and we were consistently respectful of each other as adults. We were not perfect, but we did not do that.

DH also helped SIL out so much that SIL never could repay DH, even if SIL wanted to (she doesn't). In MIL and SIL's mind, they are takers, and you are expected to give. So, there is no gratitude or inclusion. Instead, SIL became angry when the generous assistance ended (not by our choice). Of course, SIL's version is SIL's version. Not sure if SIL knows what really happened, I only know the version that SIL was given by DH, since he knew SIL would be a problem. I did not want DH in the line of fire, or the target of SIL's rage, as he had been all his life.

It has circled back to me that MIL goes around talking smack and tells certain people "she just doesn't like (me)!!!" - which is hilarious, because there honestly is no reason. MIL's friends seem genuinely surprised when they meet us. We have never asked for anything, and SIL would not so much as go in on a nice present DH and I gladly bought for MIL (so we gave it ourselves, NBD).

It is just a weird exercise in non-inclusiveness, being sneaky and narcissism. DH says he would not want to be them, and I have to agree.

So, it is not that I do not like MIL, it is that she teaches DH and I what not to do. She is fine, as long as she does not get me alone, but the cornering is something that both she and SIL do, and DH and I find it unhealthy, at best.

* meaning MIL does not like me.

TLDR - agree with PP before me. Thank you for putting it so succinctly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what my MIL knows, in this regard - as MIL knows so very little about me, even after all these decades. I have always been pleasant and polite. Early in the relationship, some of MILs rudeness, meanness, favoritism and clannishness shocked me, and I spoke up. What I did not know at the time is that narcissistic people never (ever) admit they are wrong, and never (ever) apologize.

To compound matters, MIL said some really rude and hurtful things to me over the decades - not just totally inappropriate, really out of line, mean and hurtful things - things that even if one had no filter, one would no not to say. Things most grown adults know not to say, and I would not say to a stranger. When MIL did so it was always 1:1, when no one else was in the room to hear her antics.

When I told DH, he was not at all surprised, and I was given the strong impression that MIL was always a bully that was checked out unless it suited her (even though she definitely doesn't look like a bully, she seems to use this to her advantage) - that was a new one for me, as I was raised by extended family, and we were consistently respectful of each other as adults. We were not perfect, but we did not do that.

DH also helped SIL out so much that SIL never could repay DH, even if SIL wanted to (she doesn't). In MIL and SIL's mind, they are takers, and you are expected to give. So, there is no gratitude or inclusion. Instead, SIL became angry when the generous assistance ended (not by our choice). Of course, SIL's version is SIL's version. Not sure if SIL knows what really happened, I only know the version that SIL was given by DH, since he knew SIL would be a problem. I did not want DH in the line of fire, or the target of SIL's rage, as he had been all his life.

It has circled back to me that MIL goes around talking smack and tells certain people "she just doesn't like (me)!!!" - which is hilarious, because there honestly is no reason. MIL's friends seem genuinely surprised when they meet us. We have never asked for anything, and SIL would not so much as go in on a nice present DH and I gladly bought for MIL (so we gave it ourselves, NBD).

It is just a weird exercise in non-inclusiveness, being sneaky and narcissism. DH says he would not want to be them, and I have to agree.

So, it is not that I do not like MIL, it is that she teaches DH and I what not to do. She is fine, as long as she does not get me alone, but the cornering is something that both she and SIL do, and DH and I find it unhealthy, at best.

* meaning MIL does not like me.

TLDR - agree with PP before me. Thank you for putting it so succinctly.

Sorry for the long post. I thought it pertinent that I should add - I encourage DH to call and visit his mother, but DH does not seem interested, which I find sad. I am certain that MIL blames me. There is not much I can do about a history that was there before me. The whole thing about making me the "enemy" is odd to me, as I have been part of people's families over the years (before knowing DH), and they never had such a strong reaction to me. I was included, it was pleasant, fun, warm and loving and it was NBD, so again, MIL has some issues that were there well before me.