Complicated mother/daughter relationship
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Anonymous
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I don’t have a great relationship with my mother. It’s extremely complicated. But, in short, she’s an emotionally immature narcissistic who physically, (but mostly verbally) abused me. However, we are able to have a surface level relationship with the tools I’ve learned in therapy.
Anyways, I allow her access to my daughter whenever she wants as she lives very close. I bring my now 10 month old to her house every Friday. I’ve been doing this since my daughter was about 3-4 months old. I’m a stay at home mom and I love it— it’s my calling. I really miss my daughter when she’s gone on Fridays. Part of me feels resentful for giving up this precious time, however the other half knows my mom is a better grandmother than mother and I want my daughter to have that special relationship. Do I continue to appease my mother for the sake of their relationship? I don’t want my daughter to ever think I kept her grandmother away from her. Another thing my mom does is message/text me “Pictures?” Or “FaceTime?” because she expects both every day. It’s just a lot of pressure from someone who didn’t/doesn’t treat me well, but treats my daughter well. I feel very conflicted and confused. |
Anonymous
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Please get therapy/discuss with a therapist.
If your mom is a narcissist, she is likely using your daughter and her time with her to 'get' to you. I would also be very worried about abuse if/when she snaps--since you said she abused you. You want to protect your daughter, protect yourself, and stop the cycle. |
Anonymous
| It’s only a matter of time before you see those behaviors resurface toward her grandchildren. My mom sounds a bit like yours. She once told me that she loves her grandchildren more than me. I don’t think she actually does, though. I think she has an addiction to shopping and uses them as an excuse. As my kids got older and saw some of those old behaviors in my mom I told them exactly what I thought of my mom. I have no guilt about that. She’s mentally ill and, in a way, it’s good that they can recognize it as such. Now they are not offended when my mom makes snarky comments about my cousins or compared my children’s athletic abilities poorly to theirs, etc. |
Anonymous
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My mother deeply resented her mother for various reasons that didn't make a lot of sense to me. She also really resented how much I adored my grandmother, but she let me spend a ton of time with her anyway. That's partly because things were not great at home, my father and brother were bullies to me and she gave me at least that escape - which ultimately ended up being all summer with my grandmother for several years after we moved across country.
My mother and I had a fraught relationship and ultimately ended up estranged by my choosing. It mostly had to do with continued abuse/bullying from my father and brother and her unwillingness to stand up to it, which she'd never done for herself either and which I really resented her for - my childhood was miserable in many ways because my mother didn't have the guts to leave. Ironically one of the things she was angriest at her mother for was that her mother left her father when she was in her late teens. But she always talked about her father like he was perfection (I doubt it very much). My point is that if there is an adult in your child's life who loves that child in healthy ways, be supportive of that. Whatever complaints my mother had about her mother - she never went into details except her resentment over the divorce which happened in the 50s when such things were much more stigmatizing in a small town - my grandmother ended up being the most consistently kind adult in my life, given that my mother was all over the place emotionally in the context of her abusive marriage. My time with my grandmother was the happiest time of my childhood and I'm grateful that my mother didn't let her ego get in the way of that relationship. I'm sure your kids have a much better homelife, but still, grandmas are special so long as they aren't abusive. Many people are MUCH better grandparents than they were parents. Keep an eye out for anything untoward, but otherwise let your kid have grandma. |
Anonymous
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Why would you nurture a relationship between your precious baby and someone who you describe as “an emotionally immature narcissistic who physically, (but mostly verbally) abused me”?
You need therapy to figure out why you are offering your baby up instead of protecting them. |
Anonymous
+1 It’s fine for you to want your baby to have a relationship with their grandmother, but it’s like you are trying to make her into someone she is not. You need to create some more boundaries. Therapy sounds like a good option! |
Anonymous
| I cannot even imagine dropping my baby off with someone I know to be abusive. There is no way a legitimate therapist has said this is an ok plan. You need to go to much, much lower contact with your mom. |
Anonymous
| I think you need to be very careful. You don’t owe your mom this kind of time with your kids if she has a history of treating people badly. What I saw in my own mom (sounds like yours) is that she certainly loves her grandkids, but as soon as they started not being exactly who she wanted them to be she would say things to me about them that made it VERY clear I was going to protect them from her as a number one priority. Definitely would not ever leave my kids alone with her because if something went sourh I want and need to be able to get them away from her immediately. |
Anonymous
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OP, this is not black and white, but it is YOU who determines the boundary here.
If the current situation does not work for you, think about what would work for you, let your mom know that boundary in kind words, but not as an apology, and then stick to your boundary. E.g. mom thank you for x, y, z. Going forward, it will work for me to pick up Larla after her nap instead of in the evening. I will send pictures weekly, but won't be able to do it every day. Thanks and talk to you next Monday. |
Anonymous
You are doing the right thing. However, you are not obligated to send her pictures every day or face time every day, do it when you have time. If your mother is treating your daughter well, let them have that relationship. It is a great sign that your mother changed and learned a lot from the time you were a child until now. You should not be conflicted or confuse. People do change. Some for better, some for worse. Your mom put an effort to become a better person, you show praise her for that. |
Anonymous
| Narc is a narc, she can't help herself. Why do you think she will be nicer to your dd as your dd grows? |