Why is loneliness in middle age a taboo?

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid 50s, I have a lovely and supportive husband and a great job. Our house is mortgage-free. We're both in good health. We have savings and investments. We have a second home. We go on vacations, etc.

What is there to be sad about?

Well, I feel lonely and it's bringing me down.

I find it really hard to form close friendships with other women. It's not that I haven't tried, but clearly it's not working. I have a lot of friendly, casual acquaintances but no close friends. No one to call and have a chat with, or meet for coffee.
I don't know what to do about it.

It's bizarre as my job is very people oriented and involves face to face contact with clients all the time. I'm not timid.

When I mention to people that I feel lonely they look at me as if I'm an alien. It's not a topic that people feel comfortable with.

One thing that sets us apart from many other couples is the fact we are childfree, but I don't know if this plays a role.

Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think loneliness is taboo - I think it’s very common. Look at all the threads about moms feeling left out with school or neighbor groups. All the threads asking how to make friends.

I think what is taboo is saying it out loud. If a friend told me they are lonely I would feel like they are saying “you don’t spend enough time with me” or “you are not a good friend, you aren’t enough”. If it was an acquaintance, I would feel like you were hinting at wanting a closer relationship. Maybe if I wanted the same, that would be good, but often if I wanted a closer relationship I would have worked on making that happen.

[Anonymous]

Your 50s are probably a hard spot for this. Many women your age are still in the middle of raising kids and are squeezed for time and energy. In a few years, many more people your age will be empty nesters and have a bit more time for hobbies, getting together, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm also in my 50s and hear the same concerns from many women in our age range, particularly those who worked FT for years in demanding jobs. I worked PT and now realize how grateful I am that I had the time to devote to nurturing friendships with other women. My advice to you and others who want to develop friendships or deepen acquaintanceships is to focus on activities that you enjoy and don't wait for others to initiate. If you like to read, start a book group. If you enjoy hiking, ask a friend to join you for a specific date. If you want to volunteer, then go for it -- and ask a volunteer colleague to join you for coffee or lunch sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your 50s are probably a hard spot for this. Many women your age are still in the middle of raising kids and are squeezed for time and energy. In a few years, many more people your age will be empty nesters and have a bit more time for hobbies, getting together, etc.

+1 I have never been more tired in my life.

[Anonymous]

Definitely really common. My dad has a few close friends. My mom doesn't have any friends, just her siblings who she's very close to. She spends the majority of her free time with our family or my kids (she's 60 now, so a bit older than you).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your 50s are probably a hard spot for this. Many women your age are still in the middle of raising kids and are squeezed for time and energy. In a few years, many more people your age will be empty nesters and have a bit more time for hobbies, getting together, etc.

This is me but I'm looking for friends. The problem is that most people have already found their tribe and I feel like the assumption is that if you haven't by this point then there is a problem with you. In my case, I am a bit awkward and don't always have the best social skills.

[Anonymous]

Your 50s are probably a hard spot for this. Many women your age are still in the middle of raising kids and are squeezed for time and energy. In a few years, many more people your age will be empty nesters and have a bit more time for hobbies, getting together, etc.

I agree. I am so overwhelmed by my kids, job and aging parents. I am looking for occasional activity partners, not super close friends that will require additional expenditure of my limited emotional energy and time. I feel sure I will feel differently when some of the rest of this is off my plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Your 50s are probably a hard spot for this. Many women your age are still in the middle of raising kids and are squeezed for time and energy. In a few years, many more people your age will be empty nesters and have a bit more time for hobbies, getting together, etc.

I agree. I am so overwhelmed by my kids, job and aging parents. I am looking for occasional activity partners, not super close friends that will require additional expenditure of my limited emotional energy and time. I feel sure I will feel differently when some of the rest of this is off my plate.

+10000 this is me as well

also OP, from the outside, i probably appear like i have closer friends and a more active social life than i really do, and yes, for me at least this is a kid thing. i'm at little league practices, end-of-school-year celebrations, girl scouts parties and other events all in this vein, socializing with those parents a lot because we're at a shared event of our kids'. i do not meet any of them for coffee or lunch.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's taboo; I think it's something that is usually discussed among close friends. I admit I'd be taken aback if an acquaintance said this to me, but I'd try my best not to let it show and to be sympathetic.

I'm sorry you're feeling that way, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your 50s are probably a hard spot for this. Many women your age are still in the middle of raising kids and are squeezed for time and energy. In a few years, many more people your age will be empty nesters and have a bit more time for hobbies, getting together, etc.

This is me but I'm looking for friends. The problem is that most people have already found their tribe and I feel like the assumption is that if you haven't by this point then there is a problem with you. In my case, I am a bit awkward and don't always have the best social skills.

Hi, this is OP here. I can relate to this post. To me it feels like everyone else has found their tribe and I haven't. I know some ladies here and we're friendly, but we're not close. These ladies already knew each other before we moved here. They're in the community choir and they meet for choir practice once a week. That's nice. Unfortunately joining a choir is not my thing.

I've tried asking people out for coffee, but they're either busy or they don't seem eager to get together. I don't know if this is because they have too much on their plate and they're feeling tired, or they don't have the time or they're just not interested.
It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s, I have a lovely and supportive husband and a great job. Our house is mortgage-free. We're both in good health. We have savings and investments. We have a second home. We go on vacations, etc.

What is there to be sad about?

Well, I feel lonely and it's bringing me down.

I find it really hard to form close friendships with other women. It's not that I haven't tried, but clearly it's not working. I have a lot of friendly, casual acquaintances but no close friends. No one to call and have a chat with, or meet for coffee.
I don't know what to do about it.

It's bizarre as my job is very people oriented and involves face to face contact with clients all the time. I'm not timid.

When I mention to people that I feel lonely they look at me as if I'm an alien. It's not a topic that people feel comfortable with.

One thing that sets us apart from many other couples is the fact we are childfree, but I don't know if this plays a role.

Any thoughts?

I understand OP - and I do have friends I can meet for coffee - but it's not enough. I'm thoroughly bored right now. I have a bunch of things (chores etc) I should be doing but I have no motivation. I think I'm a bit depressed. Does anyone exchange e-mails on here?

[Anonymous]

Find an activity you like to do and join a club or take a class/join a club of people doing it (hiking, knitting, painting, biking, pottery, wine tasting, jewlery making, WHATEVER). You'll meet like-minded people and have an instant connection/conversation starter.

And/or, join a committee at your church/synagogue/mosk/school. Volunteer somewhere- again, group of people all doing something for the same cause!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think loneliness is taboo - I think it’s very common. Look at all the threads about moms feeling left out with school or neighbor groups. All the threads asking how to make friends.

I think what is taboo is saying it out loud. If a friend told me they are lonely I would feel like they are saying “you don’t spend enough time with me” or “you are not a good friend, you aren’t enough”. If it was an acquaintance, I would feel like you were hinting at wanting a closer relationship. Maybe if I wanted the same, that would be good, but often if I wanted a closer relationship I would have worked on making that happen.

+1

Agree. MIL is military, always thought she would have "built in friends, support system, etc." She retired in a strictly military community. She is as lonely as ever, because of their cattiness.

Sad, but true.

The only good and worthwhile friendships are those who knew you when, OP.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why it’s taboo. Maybe everyone feels uncomfortable being vulnerable. Many people genuinely aren’t lonely, but I do think most people are. We just have found ways to “keep busy” and cope.