Nesting- does it work long term?

[Anonymous]

I’d like to hear about any experiences trying to keep the kids in the same house with parents rotating…our kids will be 11 and 14 and we are trying to figure out what would be the least disruptive to them. We would live walking distance from one another vs. trying the one- house option. Would likely be 50/50 custody in either case. This sucks! But that’s where we are at and appreciate hearing about actual experiences. TIA.

[Anonymous]

Definitely do two houses walking distance; that's a great option, not many people have that option.

Nesting can get very problematic long term. It may seem like a good option initially, but it isn't for the vast majority of divorced parents.

[Anonymous]

It's weird. I used to nanny for a family who did this. Do you really want your ex to be living in your personal space?

[Anonymous]

I think it can work okay short term but is very tough long term. The only people I know who have done it semi-permanently are either super low-conflict people or polyamorous/some other alternative lifestyle set up. Having done it short-term, I would say that for many ex-couples, it gets tough once you start dating, and even aside from those issues, once your divorced do you want to be having the same old arguments over chores, decorating your home, etc? Because you will be having those arguments.

[Anonymous]

We did it for about 9 months. I was actually ok with it but my now ex-husband didn't like it. He was constantly forgetting something either in one place or the other and I didn't want him going in and out of the space while I was there.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple who did this with a duplex house. It is a poly situation where the original parents now each live with a new partner and all combinations of adults have parented children. Kids stay in the same room each night and parents work together to carpool kids, make breakfast, pack lunches, feed kids dinner. So kids sleep in the same bed 7 days a week but might go nextdoor for a meal or just to hang out. It’s lasts 10+ years and all the kids seem fine. Frankly I am sometimes jealous because with 4 adults on kid duty, all the adults get time to workout, go on dates, and have kid free vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Definitely do two houses walking distance; that's a great option, not many people have that option.

Nesting can get very problematic long term. It may seem like a good option initially, but it isn't for the vast majority of divorced parents.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple who did this with a duplex house. It is a poly situation where the original parents now each live with a new partner and all combinations of adults have parented children. Kids stay in the same room each night and parents work together to carpool kids, make breakfast, pack lunches, feed kids dinner. So kids sleep in the same bed 7 days a week but might go nextdoor for a meal or just to hang out. It’s lasts 10+ years and all the kids seem fine. Frankly I am sometimes jealous because with 4 adults on kid duty, all the adults get time to workout, go on dates, and have kid free vacations.

This sounds amazing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Definitely do two houses walking distance; that's a great option, not many people have that option.

Nesting can get very problematic long term. It may seem like a good option initially, but it isn't for the vast majority of divorced parents.

This

Definitely two houses. Nesting is for people who can't afford two homes close together. Because it might seem good initially, but eventually the adults will want to move on, date, and not be so closely enmeshed on the details of everyday life. And if you're still running a household together and having to talk about money and all the little logistics of sharing space, why not just stay married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Definitely do two houses walking distance; that's a great option, not many people have that option.

Nesting can get very problematic long term. It may seem like a good option initially, but it isn't for the vast majority of divorced parents.

This

Definitely two houses. Nesting is for people who can't afford two homes close together. Because it might seem good initially, but eventually the adults will want to move on, date, and not be so closely enmeshed on the details of everyday life. And if you're still running a household together and having to talk about money and all the little logistics of sharing space, why not just stay married?

This! And if you are still dealing with someone who doesn't do their share of the household duties, it will just be so maddening. I can just imagine how I would blow my top if it was my turn in the house and exDH left dishes in the sink, didn't clean the bathroom, etc.

[Anonymous]

You do realize that once you are divorced, you and your ex can live wherever they’d like, i.e. it doesn’t have to be within walking distance to your current home. You all may not be able to leave the state or the county, but walking distance.. nobody will enforce that if your ex or you decide that isn’t where you want to live.

Remember too, that if you can walk home, your kids can also walk to come see you. Do you want that? If you do, what good is having a custody plan?

If you are with a new romantic partner, do you really want your kids showing up because they miss you, or are mad at the other parent?

Be aware that if you and your ex still own the family home, you both can come and go whenever you’d like. Any agreement you make is not enforceable. You can keep the ex out of *your* place, but not out of joint rental or owned property. If you forget a library book, you can come get it whenever you’d like. If your ex forgets his coat, he can come get it whenever he’d like.

Both of you can have anybody you’d like over at the family home, and you can engage in any behavior you’d like.

Your agreements mean absolutely nothing.

You and your ex may think you can get along just fine, I’ve never seen a divorce work that way, someone gets mad because their ex found a girlfriend. Someone gets mad because the ex that couldn’t get off the couch when married now is going all over the place to activities you had begged him to do with you as a couple. One of you asks to back date the date of separation because they want to remarry.

I haven’t even touched on physically maintaining the family home, who pays for what? How do you decide between the cheap dishwasher and the more expensive dishwasher? What about furniture? Sleeping arrangements, do you really want to sleep in the bedroom and maybe even the bed you shared with your ex? Do you want to sleep in that bed knowing that your ex is now in sexual relationship with someone else.. even if sex never happens in that bed and he swears he changed the sheets before it was your turn to be there?

Poly people will tell you anything works. You could say “I’d like to grow Martian horns on my head” and they’ll tell you they know five people who have and it works beautifully. You’ll never meet these people, none of them will have names, you won’t be able to get in touch with them, if you ask if they’d like to talk, the poly folks will say that one is in the hospital (but not because of the Martian horns), one “isn’t on social media”, one is very shy, and you know, they just haven’t heard from the others in awhile, they had their phone numbers at one point, but they have a new phone now and that number got erased somehow. Trust them though, those horns do work.

I’d suggest op that you and your spouse work on the marriage. Seriously. If you like each other where nesting sounds good, put that energy into becoming happily married. More sex, more dates, more physical touch, more basic care for each other’s comfort.

[Anonymous]

I totally bought into the idea because it seemed so much less disruptive for the kids to stay in one place, but in my experience, the place it all falls apart is with the little things that keep a house running. Who buys the milk or the toilet paper? Who cleans the bathroom? Who does the dishes or empties the dishwasher? Eventually it all adds up and often the kids are hearing about it--"Does your father EVER notice when we are out of eggs?!" For us, we were as bad trying to tag each other out in the same house as we were trying to live in it together.

What worked for us in the long term was creating spaces in both homes that worked for our kids so that they didn't have to drag everything from one place to another AND being a team in dealing with left-behind backpacks and math folders. We agreed that our job was to support that back-and-forth for our kids as best we could and that was much easier to do well than sharing a single space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally bought into the idea because it seemed so much less disruptive for the kids to stay in one place, but in my experience, the place it all falls apart is with the little things that keep a house running. Who buys the milk or the toilet paper? Who cleans the bathroom? Who does the dishes or empties the dishwasher? Eventually it all adds up and often the kids are hearing about it--"Does your father EVER notice when we are out of eggs?!" For us, we were as bad trying to tag each other out in the same house as we were trying to live in it together.

What worked for us in the long term was creating spaces in both homes that worked for our kids so that they didn't have to drag everything from one place to another AND being a team in dealing with left-behind backpacks and math folders. We agreed that our job was to support that back-and-forth for our kids as best we could and that was much easier to do well than sharing a single space.

OP here- thanks, this is a very helpful reality check! Would love to hear from others…

[Anonymous]

My ex and I live very close. I like my personal space and I keep my house tidy. How would this even work? Grocery shopping, clothes, personal stuff. Easier for the kids to come on go.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?
Can they help with the scheduling and day to day life?
Ours is 14 and she helps schedule the cleaner and the grocery deliveries. She likes this because she doesn't want the cleaner here when she has friends over. She does her own laundry. She takes out the garbage.
We joke that it's her house.