PP here. It's not even close to 95% accurate. There are some kernels of truth in it, but it's maybe 10-15% accurate and most of the grievances that are "accurate" are just matters of perception and what women value versus what men value. I've never viewed my parenting as "helping" my wife. Your use of that language suggests you 100% buy into the sexist tropes. Be better. |
And there it is. Because 50% of the list (or more) are things that dont matter much but I would disagree. We have ZERO dads chaperoning field trips for a school of 450 kids. We have 1 Dad on the PTA- hes a single father. They never volunteer without having their wife or spouse volunteer for them or with them. They may SHOW up to an event but they wouldnt know about it without their wife. I call your bluff on a majority of Dads making annual physicals, eye exams, and dental appointments, etc. unless the discussion has already been had between the parents from something like Fair Play. |
This again guys? Look, we know there are some men out there who do 50% or more. But they are rare. Actual, objective research time and time again shows women do more domestic labor even if they also work outside the home. The whole “default parent” thing is true for many of us.
What resonated most for me on the list is the freedom men have to just assume the mom will handle things. Even if the dad does some of the things on that list 9/10 the mom has set it up or monitors it in some way. I happen to have an extreme version of default parenting that has led to divorce. At the end of the day, it was his complete freedom vs my complete lack of freedom that really soured me, more than the actual work I had to do. Time and time again, being treated like the maid, chef and nanny as he just … walked out the door to do whatever tf he wanted to do … really got demoralizing |
I have outsourced ONE health thing to my DH, which is the dentist. Guess whose kid has not been to the dentist in 2 years? And who has never gotten sealants? |
There's basically nothing on this that's true for parenting in my house (my wife does do laundry), but this one:
"I will never have to make a parenting or household labor to-do list for my partner." made me laugh because I just got back from a week away from the house and before I left i had to leave my wife a detailed schedule of everything I do in a week: when and where activities happen, what goes in lunches, what time school starts, everything. I don't care about the fact that normally, I do all of this, but it was interesting to see it all laid out like that. |
+1,000 to this guy. I work FT and am a very involved dad, and always have been. So were my dad, and my FIL. My wife works PT, and does more than half, but less than 2/3 of family logistical management. I do all grocery shopping and 90% of the cooking. Many of you are complaining, essentially, that the judgment from society surrrounding parenting and child outcomes falls primarily on mom. There is truth to that. You’re ignoring that, likewise, the judgment for the family’s earning and financial situation falls primarily on dad. When people think “it’s too bad they aren’t able to stay in a fancier hotel at Disney World, or travel to Europe for Spring Break, or send four kids to private colleges,” they’re wondering why dad doesn’t earn more. Not mom. So enjoy your “mom privilege.” Ultimately, only we can decide for ourselves wise will individually adopt this guilt as our own burdens. My wife and I decided long ago that we would not, and we’re a lot happier for it. Highly recommend anyone who wants to submit such lists to substack instead try to find the same peace and confidence. |
And still it's different for Dads who say they fill the "mom" role. Ask ANY mom who does all that you do and has to make a list for their spouse the last time they left for a week. LOL LOL LOL |
What do you think they would say? I'm confused because instead of specifying how it's different you just wrote LOL LOL LOL? |
I dont know a single mom that has ever left for a week. 3-4 days for a work trip sure. But the ones leaving for a week or more work trip have nannies so they dont need to tell their spouse all that. I surely dont know a mom- primary parent mind you- that has ever left for a week for any reason especially not a vacation or personal one. |
Glad I’m not in the bean counting, oppositional type of marriage I see a lot in these boards. We are a team with our separate division of family responsibilities and it works well. Just can’t relate to posts like this. Like a PP said, I could easily come up with a privilege list of things I don’t have to worry about.
Focus on teamwork and appreciation, and communicate about your needs. That’s the key to a happy balance with your spouse. |
I guess we have different experiences then, because I know lots of parents who've done this and I know one family with a nanny total. |
The equity and privilege and liberation wording in this is frankly embarrassing and cringe. |
Agree. That list is the most stupid thing I’ve read in quite some time. |
When I gave birth, my DH was uncomfortable at the hospital and pressured me to leave a day earlier than I had to because HE wanted to be home. I pushed back at first but I was exhausted from, you know, giving birth to a human being and immediately learning to breastfeed and having several additional medical procedures, so I finally gave in. And no one around me spoke up to say "Hey, a$$hole, your comfort is not actually paramount right now -- you could probably suck it up and spend one more night in the hospital so that your wife who is literally bleeding and in pain from having given birth to your child can get the care she needs." When we were home with the baby, my DH had a 6 week paternity leave. During this leave, he went to the gym every single day (because he said he felt to antsy and cooped up if he didn't "get out") but when I pointed out that I was not having trouble finding time to shower every day, he immediately got defensive and said that was my fault for not prioritizing it and making arrangements for him to "cover" with the baby. It never occurred to him that the only reason he was able to go to the gym is that he took for granted that I would care for our newborn when he went, without being asked or instructed on it. I still remember the very first time I left the house without my baby, to go pick up take out for the family. I don't think I realized how tethered I'd been to her until the moment I was in a car, by myself. My DH never had that experience, not once. My DH is considered a "good guy" and a "good dad" by most people, and he gets praised a lot for being an involved father. This is the tip of the iceberg in terms of the way our lives are deeply unequal and he seems fairly oblivious to it. It is not nonsense. |
In our house DW calls most of those those things “hobbies” so they don’t count. Two hours of getting our internet back up or printer working again counts as “fooling around on the computer.” Lol. In the world many women seem to want, all tasks that are traditionally coded as “female” must be shared 50/50 on feminist grounds, and any traditionally “male” coded tasks simply don’t enter the calculation, ever. And while most women are more than willing to negotiate in excruciating detail regarding the specific allocation of particular domestic tasks, there is zero willingness to negotiate regarding whether or not something really needs to be done first place or to what standard it must be done to. What many women seem to want, in essence, is for their spouses to undertake 50% of whatever labor is needed to avoid the potential judgment of other women. I pull my weight, but I’m not going to do a lot of unneeded work because she is worried about what the other moms might think. Sorry not sorry. |