Could you forgive?

[Anonymous]

bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you found out about it and he’s still more concerned about her feelings and his own desires than your feelings and wellbeing…there’s no coming back from that. Either you accept that you’re in an open marriage or you separate. Even if you accept an open marriage, he might still leave. Regardless, your relationship with him will never be the same as it was before you found out. I’m sorry.

+1

Him being concerned with her feelings is definitely a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, precisely this is my concern. Very hard to evaluate, with all the apologies and protestations that he loves me, just needs a little more time.

Give him 30 seconds. You’ll have your answer.
He doesn’t get to let his girlfriend down slowly when he’s married.
And then see a divorce attorney .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is no longer in love with you. Even if he breaks this affair off and never contacts this woman, the spark that you two no longer have, existed with her.

You can stay with him knowing this, but he will never be the same. He will forever crave something you can’t give him.

Hahah not true AP

Take it from a cheater, if we were in love with our spouse we would never risk the marriage.

Cheaters aren’t wise or loving people.

Cheaters don’t love themselves. It has nothing to do with their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is no longer in love with you. Even if he breaks this affair off and never contacts this woman, the spark that you two no longer have, existed with her.

You can stay with him knowing this, but he will never be the same. He will forever crave something you can’t give him.

Hahah not true AP

Take it from a cheater, if we were in love with our spouse we would never risk the marriage.

Cheaters aren’t wise or loving people.

Cheaters don’t love themselves. It has nothing to do with their spouse.

OP here. These are all interesting perspectives - he wants something I can’t give him, only has spark with her, can’t be in love with me or he’d never risk the marriage - or, has nothing to do with the spouse. Probably all true to some extent:
- Wants something i can’t give him - well, maybe novelty/youth can’t be reconjured, but much can - if I can get him to communicate about it. And she can’t give him history, stability and family - unless he wants a brand new young family, in which case nothing left to say.
- Risking the marriage is a particularly fascinating question. Does he really think he IS risking the marriage? Or is he in a fog where he figures, having told me it’s over - I’ll quietly accept that even if it ISN’T over? That he can lie and hide so well that I won’t see it? I wonder.
- On the spark - we’ve always been able to maintain that over the decades, until the past year/ED/affair. Yet I think it can be ignited again, if he actually ends it and I can actually bear to stay.
- Nothing to do with me? Unlikely. I’m no saint. But I’ve worked hard over the years on all fronts to co-build our life and family, and if he has needed more—in or out of the bedroom, he had only to ask…again the not enough communication problem. Which happens with busy careers, kids, etc. It’s something that can be worked on, again if we both want to.
-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, precisely this is my concern. Very hard to evaluate, with all the apologies and protestations that he loves me, just needs a little more time.

Grow a spine and meet with a divorce attorney. He has no respect for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, how are things going? Is he still having an inappropriate relationship with her and making sure she’s ok with everything? Or did he cut ties cleanly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is no longer in love with you. Even if he breaks this affair off and never contacts this woman, the spark that you two no longer have, existed with her.

You can stay with him knowing this, but he will never be the same. He will forever crave something you can’t give him.

Hahah not true AP

Take it from a cheater, if we were in love with our spouse we would never risk the marriage.

Cheaters aren’t wise or loving people.

Cheaters don’t love themselves. It has nothing to do with their spouse.

OP here. These are all interesting perspectives - he wants something I can’t give him, only has spark with her, can’t be in love with me or he’d never risk the marriage - or, has nothing to do with the spouse. Probably all true to some extent:
- Wants something i can’t give him - well, maybe novelty/youth can’t be reconjured, but much can - if I can get him to communicate about it. And she can’t give him history, stability and family - unless he wants a brand new young family, in which case nothing left to say.
- Risking the marriage is a particularly fascinating question. Does he really think he IS risking the marriage? Or is he in a fog where he figures, having told me it’s over - I’ll quietly accept that even if it ISN’T over? That he can lie and hide so well that I won’t see it? I wonder.
- On the spark - we’ve always been able to maintain that over the decades, until the past year/ED/affair. Yet I think it can be ignited again, if he actually ends it and I can actually bear to stay.
- Nothing to do with me? Unlikely. I’m no saint. But I’ve worked hard over the years on all fronts to co-build our life and family, and if he has needed more—in or out of the bedroom, he had only to ask…again the not enough communication problem. Which happens with busy careers, kids, etc. It’s something that can be worked on, again if we both want to.
-

OP were you able to do any lawyer consults? I share the belief above that this could go very sideways with him leaving or with him being fired and possibly sued for sexual harassment. Best to have contingency plans and step back from the emotional until those are in place.

[Anonymous]

30 years? Yes, forgive and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is no longer in love with you. Even if he breaks this affair off and never contacts this woman, the spark that you two no longer have, existed with her.

You can stay with him knowing this, but he will never be the same. He will forever crave something you can’t give him.

Hahah not true AP

Take it from a cheater, if we were in love with our spouse we would never risk the marriage.

Cheaters aren’t wise or loving people.

Cheaters don’t love themselves. It has nothing to do with their spouse.

DID he cheat? I am definitely of the mindset that an “emotional affair” is more emotions than affair and is mostly a fantasy. With that being said, though, how many men are content just whispering sweet nothings to their paramour? I somehow doubt his ED kept him from getting physical particularly if these people had access to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, precisely this is my concern. Very hard to evaluate, with all the apologies and protestations that he loves me, just needs a little more time.

Talk to an attorney. He’s stringing you along.

You could have a great life without all this melodrama. Picture it now…

[Anonymous]

One more thing: I would forgive AND file for divorce AND move on with my life. Those things are not mutually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there is anything to forgive here. He isn’t sorry.

[Anonymous]

Damn. By his age, you think he'd understand that he'll just end up the same or worse off with a new woman. It always always always fades unless you put in the work. And then he will have destroyed everything. I don't know much about it, but maybe this is a situation that calls for the 180?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is no longer in love with you. Even if he breaks this affair off and never contacts this woman, the spark that you two no longer have, existed with her.

You can stay with him knowing this, but he will never be the same. He will forever crave something you can’t give him.

Hahah not true AP

Take it from a cheater, if we were in love with our spouse we would never risk the marriage.

Cheaters aren’t wise or loving people.

Cheaters don’t love themselves. It has nothing to do with their spouse.

I disagree. Cheaters are narcissists who love themselves above anyone else, which is why they don't care if they hurt the people who love them.