Broken home & kid says it doesn't affect him

[Anonymous]

My son is 15 - his Dad and I haven't been together since he was 3.5 after his Dad assaulted me and him. He was convicted of DV. His Dad for many years wasn't mentally healthy. His Dad had one relationship after that that was very abusive to the kids and the relationship was toxic. My son claims to not have many memories of these times, but he'll remember our trip to Venice during that time pretty perfectly.

He's happy, excellent student, and zero behavior issues. His Dad got remarried recently and I've been remarried for 8 years. I asked him if any of it affects him and he said no, he's happy.

I gave him the advice to not bury things and if he ever needs to talk to someone that's OK too. I also advised him that sometimes things don't affect us today can come back as we get older and that he should deal with it if it does.

Anyone else BTDT with older kids?

[Anonymous]

Trying to pit the son against his dad.

[Anonymous]

Children of divorced parents and children who have witnessed and been victims of abuse may not process it until they are adults - sometimes older adults. Also, it matters how long they were victims or witnesses of tension and volatility. If it was for a short time, there is less to process than if it was for a longer time.

Don't go looking for trouble, but understand that things might surface in many years.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to exploit this situation and rehash this with your son. I say you are borderline abusing him too with this.

[Anonymous]

Stop saying broken home.

[Anonymous]

The dad getting remarried recently has the op triggered and using son to her advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to pit the son against his dad.

Uh...convicted of dv...pretty sure he did that all by himself

[Anonymous]

Don’t harp on it, but tell him he’s always welcome to talk to you or a therapist about *anything* that bothers him.

I have a kid with an early childhood trauma. One of the best pieces of advice I got from a therapist was - we don’t know what is going to be the kid’s main issue or struggle. We don’t get through life unscathed, but everyone reacts differently to different traumas. You may think this will be his issue he needs to deal with - but in fact, it may not be. There may be something else. Maybe he will struggle with something else that he hasn’t experienced yet, maybe he’ll have a tough relationship with a girl, feel inferior to peers for some reason, have a struggle in some other area, & THAT will be the thing he needs support with. So leave the door open so he can always talk about his dad, but don’t assume that is his main or only issue- try to offer him support for anything he wants help with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 15 - his Dad and I haven't been together since he was 3.5 after his Dad assaulted me and him. He was convicted of DV. His Dad for many years wasn't mentally healthy. His Dad had one relationship after that that was very abusive to the kids and the relationship was toxic. My son claims to not have many memories of these times, but he'll remember our trip to Venice during that time pretty perfectly.

He's happy, excellent student, and zero behavior issues. His Dad got remarried recently and I've been remarried for 8 years. I asked him if any of it affects him and he said no, he's happy.

I gave him the advice to not bury things and if he ever needs to talk to someone that's OK too. I also advised him that sometimes things don't affect us today can come back as we get older and that he should deal with it if it does.

Anyone else BTDT with older kids?

You did fine. Let him do what I wants at his own pace. Your job is to be available and not to push kids are resilient. Giving him a peaceful happy home now is better than processing (and dredging up) past trauam.

If he is suffering now --- fear issues, trust issues -- help him work on that. Don't create a stigma about what he survived.

[Anonymous]

His brain pushed the memories away so he could enjoy his young childhood. That's perfectly normal. You've said everything there is to say. Now let sleeping dogs lie. Drop it. Also, keep in mind that you may not be the person he wants to talk to about certain things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying to pit the son against his dad.

Uh...convicted of dv...pretty sure he did that all by himself

Pretty sure op, whcih is presumably you, are trying to give rise to this to reinforce it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His brain pushed the memories away so he could enjoy his young childhood. That's perfectly normal. You've said everything there is to say. Now let sleeping dogs lie. Drop it. Also, keep in mind that you may not be the person he wants to talk to about certain things.

This. He’s still a child. He doesn’t have the maturity or perspective to process what happened to him when he was young. Stop prodding him about it.

[Anonymous]

He's had no contact with Dad and you haven't been willing for him to have a relationship with Dad so why the discussion or drama. Kid will tell you what you want to hear. You replaced his dad with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's had no contact with Dad and you haven't been willing for him to have a relationship with Dad so why the discussion or drama. Kid will tell you what you want to hear. You replaced his dad with your husband.

Bingo! She is loving being this up to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop saying broken home.

My son actually mocked me when I brought it up. "OH yeah, Mom, I'm traumatized by you and Dad not being together."

Truly, my son had a horrific upbringing with his Dad. He was hit by his Dad when he didn't eat his food. He doesn't remember that. He was mocked every night at dinner by his Dad and his Dad's girlfriend. She pretended to be me to make medical appointments on his behalf to use that to threaten him. He then witnessed his Dad being arrested by the same girlfriend. She intentionally waited for a weekend where his Dad had him in custody to make it traumatizing. Then a few years later she acused his Dad of sexual assault of his other child so my son had to be forenscially interviewed in the investigation..need I go on?

I understand you think this is "me" but, really, some very traumatizing things happened to him. He either doesn't remember or he'll repeat what is his Dad's version of events.