Could you forgive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would file for divorce.

I’ve made it into my 40s without catching HPV and I have no desire to catch it at my age. I would never touch DC again if he did that. I don’t want cervical cancer. If he wants throat cancer, bye bye.

But that’s just me.

Life happens. Why do t you get the HOV vaccine? At 45 as a married woman I did because I am a realist and it’s available to me.

Lol HPV vax

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH of 30 years, til now faithful, last year or so EA ++ with work colleague.
In other words, not actual sex but romance, kissing (ED also involved).
Says knows it has to end, says wants our life, but wants to let EAP down gently. As a result, still lying about time spent with EAP.
WWYD?

You asked if we could forgive someone for doing this, but it doesn't sound like he has apologized or asked for your forgiveness. In fact, it seems like the opposite (caring more about his AP than you, continuing with the affair and lying about it). So no, I couldn't forgive someone who didn't show any remorse or concern for my feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, precisely this is my concern. Very hard to evaluate, with all the apologies and protestations that he loves me, just needs a little more time.

Sorry but he's not sorry. He's putting her, and his, needs above your own. He doesn't seem to care at all about how you feel. Is that someone you want to be with? And yes, I get that it's a complicated question - it's not like this is someone you can choose to hang out with in social circles or not, this is your husband, with whom you have built a life. I can't imagine how painful it would be to be hurt like that by the person who is supposed to love you the most, but I think his actions here are really telling. If it were me, I would have a hard enough time getting over it even if he were completely remorseful and ended things immediately and went to therapy, etc. But your husband isn't even trying. He's plying you with cheap platitudes while continuing to have an affair. I guess only you know if you can get over that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP refuses to answer any questions about if she works, so it's likely that she is a sahm and feels trapped.
Look at getting a job asap. You might be able to forgive, but that doesnt guarantee he will stay with you for long.

Haha, I was thinking the opposite. She can fully support herself and she hid it because then it’s even harder to justify staying.

And this turned out to be true.

OP, I'd get your ducks in a row to divorce and protect assets and see where things go. His emotions right now may be driven by fears about his career. He should be reaching out to head hunters, networking, etc. Once he is working elsewhere, re-evaluate.

Gottman based therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP appreciates the tough love. I hadn’t thought about the “weak man” element to it but I think there’s some truth there. And yes, the working together is an absolute nightmare. In fact, she works FOR him…worse still. That’s a huge risk.

Oh I see. So she thinks you won’t tell her husband bc she will sue and damage the reputation of your DH if discarded. She might be correct.

In this case you really do need to separate yourself from him, physically and legally. If you've been married for 30 years I imagine you don't still have kids living in the house? That ought to make it easier. Get away from him because his life is likely to implode. Either he ends it with his AP and she goes after him or she ends things with her husband and he decides to tell the company about what is going on. Either way, if it were me, I would want to be out of the blast zone as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Op, I would leave, do the 180 while you think what YOU want to do. I’d give it 1-2 years of living apart to see if he actually wanted to put in the work to rebuild. And in the meantime I’d enjoy life to the max. Meet new friends, travel make new memories with the kids, throw yourself into an interesting project at work, learn a new language, skill… whatever you’ve been wanting to do but haven’t because your energy has been focused on your marriage.

He sounds very entitled, thinking he can sit on both chairs while making up his mind. It’s more than a lapse in judgement or a case of “just simply fell in love.” He is rubbing it into your face and he knows it. If he doesn’t, he’s a complete idiot, with the emotional maturity of a 4 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ he will have a difficult time finding a new job at his age but it's a must, not just for your marriage, but to protect some career viability as she is a threat.

Does he see things this way, OP? Or is he still mostly in denial, planning to go on as before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP appreciates the tough love. I hadn’t thought about the “weak man” element to it but I think there’s some truth there. And yes, the working together is an absolute nightmare. In fact, she works FOR him…worse still. That’s a huge risk.

Oh I see. So she thinks you won’t tell her husband bc she will sue and damage the reputation of your DH if discarded. She might be correct.

In this case you really do need to separate yourself from him, physically and legally. If you've been married for 30 years I imagine you don't still have kids living in the house? That ought to make it easier. Get away from him because his life is likely to implode. Either he ends it with his AP and she goes after him or she ends things with her husband and he decides to tell the company about what is going on. Either way, if it were me, I would want to be out of the blast zone as much as possible.

All of this, OP.

My ex who had a workplace affair DID get a pass from HR, from a person who had themselves been married 3 times and who had had affairs, the "big boss" also had multiple marriages. So, not a given how it will play out in their workplace. Maybe they will end up married, who knows? But look out for yourself and start building a life of security and happiness. I found getting into a support group of divorcing women on Meet Up as well as getting a therapist to be super helpful. Talk to a few lawyers to educate yourself and find one you click with. Midlife crises are real and can really pull the rug out from under you. That you have a good career and that your kids are launched are huge +s in your favor. That he has put the economic viability of your family unit in the hands of a virtual stranger is telling.

https://www.chadleyzobolastherapy.com/blog/affair-fog-my-partner-had-or-is-having-an-affair-and-seems-like-an-entirely-different-person-why

I'd let the table ride until you have spoken to lawyers.

I also got a rescue dog in your situation, was great company and kept me out walking which has always really helped my emotional equilibrium. Do some daydreaming about what you would like your life to look like. You have the power to create that for yourself and to have people who value you in your life and who are reliable.

What is DH's family like? Alcoholism, divorce, not good with feelings, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is no longer in love with you. Even if he breaks this affair off and never contacts this woman, the spark that you two no longer have, existed with her.

You can stay with him knowing this, but he will never be the same. He will forever crave something you can’t give him.

Hahah not true AP

Take it from a cheater, if we were in love with our spouse we would never risk the marriage.

Nobody is “in love” anymore after a few years. But you can still live your spouse very deeply and make mistakes. It’s human nature after all.

Sure if that makes you feel better for staying with your cheating spouse. Think about it, would someone that loves their spouse risk hurting them and loosing them?

I would be fine if my spouse wanted a divorce and that’s why I cheat.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH had an EA with a coworker. He went no contact immediately, and she left the workplace shortly after that.

If he had told me that he needed to let her down gently, including kissing her? I'd have filed for divorce immediately.

I am glad you are talking to a lawyer. Find out if there is some way that you can protect yourself from paying him alimony if he is fired for cause. I don't know if it is possible or not, but it would be terrible for him to be able to get you to pay him after he blew up your family.

And do take good care of yourself. I'm so sorry you are in this position; it's just terrible. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, precisely this is my concern. Very hard to evaluate, with all the apologies and protestations that he loves me, just needs a little more time.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.

Have some self-respect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, precisely this is my concern. Very hard to evaluate, with all the apologies and protestations that he loves me, just needs a little more time.

Separate until he’s done. Then you might reconsider.

Honestly, this man is taking a dump on you and you’re allowing it. Why?

[Anonymous]

He is still involved with her and his career is still on the line. Until those 2 things change, there is no place for him in your future.

Protect yourself and protect your assets for your kids.

So sorry, OP, you deserved better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, precisely this is my concern. Very hard to evaluate, with all the apologies and protestations that he loves me, just needs a little more time.

I don’t know how to say this gently, but actions speak louder than words. He needs more time because she’s more dear to him right now than you are and he’s hoping you’ll either accept her or be the one to call it quits.

Ow. Could well be accurate, but ow…
Thank you.
OP

I’m really sorry for the brutal honesty, but I have been in your exact situation. My dh wasn’t willing to put in the work to save our marriage. If your dh thinks you’ll give him another week, another month, etc., he will probably keep delaying ending things with her. If he were truly remorseful, their relationship would already be over. I wish I had understood that. I just kept thinking my dh would come to his senses and repent because what he was doing was so out of character for him. It turns out that his character had completely changed and he had become a stranger to me.

The worst part is you will never trust him 100% again because now you have some idea of what he’s capable of.

Are you still married?

We separated quite a while ago, but didn’t file for divorce right away. We’re negotiating the divorce settlement now.

Why the separation first?

I wasn’t the one who wanted to divorce and he just suffered from inertia.

[Anonymous]

Op please listen to me as someone who has unfortunately spent sooo much time on infidelity groups and forums, books, support groups, etc. Two adults who see each other in person do not have EAs. There is always a dday 2 and it is always "it was actually a PA". There may be several trickle truths in between...we just kissed turns into we touched over the clothes turns into we did everything but PIV turns into we had sex once turns into it was a full blown EA anD PA. It happens 99% of the time.

Please get yourself an STD check for good measures. Liars and cheaters lie and cheat. I'm so sorry.