what kind of relationship do you have with your parents & siblings?

[Anonymous]

I have a very strained relationship with my parents. My mother and I speak only in the most superficial way when we see each other, and never by phone or email. My father is the conduit of information when it comes to arranging for them to spend time with my kids a few times a year, which is the only time I see them, but other than that, we interact very little. I feel that they really don't know anything about me and they're not part of my life in any significant way.

I also have siblings I rarely speak to or even e-mail with. The relationships are a little better than what I have with my parents, but not by much. They all live in the state where we grew up (as do my parents) and they all see/talk to each other regularly. They're very provincial. I'm the "weird" one for doing something as crazy as moving to DC and - gasp! - liking it better than where they live and choosing to raise my family here. But my kids love their aunts & uncles and so we see them maybe once or twice a year.

I am very happy with my little family and the life Dh and I have made here. We love our home, community, neighbors, and the "village" in which we are raising our kids. I don't think I'm really looking to reconnect /rebuild these relationships; I'm used to it and pretty much ok with it most of the time. But occasionally I do feel sort of "untethered," almost like an orphan. I mean, technically I do have parents and siblings, but not in any meaningful sense.

Is anyone else this "disconnected" from their extended family? Does it bother you at all?

(I'm interested in different views but I don't really want to hear responses about how your mom is truly your best friend and you can't imagine not talking to her every single day. I've read the mother-daughter books, etc, and we are just not ever going to connect on that level, or probably on any level. Thanks.)

[Anonymous]

I have a good relationship with all my siblings (4) and my parents. It's not perfect, but really what is. My siblings have all scattered, and my parents followed one sibling down to GA and moved just five minutes away from her. This has caused some scandal in our family, as it seemed as though my parents liked that sibling better than the rest of us. The oldest two siblings don't have great relationships with our folks. My folks weren't as open with them as they were with the last three. Not sure why, but my parents became more willing to talk about things with each successive child. This is probably why they moved closest the youngest.

I don't talk to my siblings as often as I like, but I still talk to them fairly often. They are also there whenever I need them. I am going to stay with my brother in a couple of weeks. We are welcome at his place whenever we want. He even went so far as to get a code lock and gave us all the code so we could use his house, even if no one is home. I had no reservations calling him and asking to impose for a week while I take a class in his state.

I think for us though, is that we moved a lot. We needed each other to get through the tough times during childhood.

[Anonymous]

I used to be best friends with my mother and sister but since I moved away from them and got married both relationships have been strained!! I am the weird one that went to college and live in the "city" (I actually live in a northern va suburb but they still consider it urban!!) I feel the same way you do about your little commity here - I love the life my DH and our DS & DD have here and our friends and my DH's family (who live far away but still have a connection with us). However, I do know what you mean about feeling like an orphan. I rarely speak with my sister as of late and while I know that talking to her results in a fight I still sometimes wish we had a better relationship. My mother is in her own world and has been going through a mid life crisis for about 8 years now! I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and she has only visited me twice since they were born!

I don't really have any advice and just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your strained relationship with your family or in your contentment with the life you have in DC with your own family. I know that most of my family problems stem from jealously and competitiveness and I know that won't change.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being happy with your immediate family (DH and children) at least I don't feel like there is. I want them to be my main focus and not the negativity that stems from my family and I really don't want my children to think that is normal for a family to be that way!

[Anonymous]

I am estranged from my family, because i am estranged from my hateful, mean spirited mother and for some reason that means I have no contact with my siblings. (The fact that all contact must go through her is a good indication of what an egotistical, selfish person she is.)

I think with this kind of family dynamic, it is almost irrelevant who the left out person is, as long as it is someone the rest of the family can shut out. The act of excluding someone else is the only glue that holds them together as a family. That is my theory because we treated my sister like a pariah for years and years before that treatment shifted to me. I wish I had known then what I know now -- that she really didn't have cooties and that it was wrong of my parents to act like life our family would be perfect if only she weren't in it.

My life is infinitely better without these mean spirited, hurtful people in it. I haven't regretted for even one day that I am estranged from them. I wish it had happened a lot earlier. I regret that I no longer have a fantasy family, but the real one I'm much, much happier without.

[Anonymous]

My relationship with my mother sucks but I make an effort to visit twice a year. I will add she's been generous with my son. Her and I have never close and most likely, never will be -- good thing I don't focus on it and don't expect much from her. She can be really shitty to me, but she loves my husband. My brother and I have a superficial relationship, I mean we talk, but it's not like I go to him for advice.

When we visit my family, we stay for 3 days and then back home. By the third day, I'm worn out from keeping in my disappointment and anger, and very stressed. My husband also noticed her behavior towards me but he's convinced me to ignore her, to not stir the pot. Email, call? Never.

[Anonymous]

Your post says it all to me when you describe your family as provincial...might they describe you as pretentious?

[Anonymous]

I have a good relationship with my mom. We talk on the phone every week, and she visits every few months. (Less because right now we're living in Australia for a couple of years.) My family is very scattered. I get along well with my brother, but I talk to him only every few months and see him less. My relationship with my dad has been strained since he remarried. We talk every few weeks, and he visits every few months.

I've always envied people that live close to their relatives. I've always lived far from family, even when growing up (except my mom and dad and brother). Even if I wanted to move close to family I couldn't, because they are split between east and west coasts. So I can sypathize with the disconnected feeling, even if I don't know what to do about it. (Other than moving back to DC from Australia... )

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents are deceased, and have been for many years. I have one sibling who basically only calls me when he needs money or similar assistance. I have not actually seen him in person for several years.

I have a much better relationship with my extended family - particularly one of my mom's sisters and my cousins. We visit them on holidays and we see each other at various times throughout the year.

[Anonymous]

But occasionally I do feel sort of "untethered," almost like an orphan. I mean, technically I do have parents and siblings, but not in any meaningful sense.

This pretty much describes my relationship with my parents. My mother is very selfish and comes to visit rarely. When she does, she shows almost no interest in her grandkids. My siblings and I get along OK.

I am jealous of people who have great relationships with their parents, or who have them around to help out with the kids.

[Anonymous]

I get along well with my family, with the exception of my mother. She is a total nutbag. I try to avoid spending time with her in a way that I can't quickly escape. She is the most narcissistic person I have ever met. Here is an example of a recent conversation: Me: "I was at work today and a kid started seizing. He wasn't breathing for several mintues and I thought he was going to die. I've never felt so powerless." My mom: "I got a new dog today!"

I call my dad every week. My father is very much the patriarch of the family and uses fear and financial threats to control my sister and mother. I still can't figure out why he doesn't pull that crap with me. We get along fine, though I do take moral issue with his treatment of the other women of the family. I get along fine with me brother, but we do not talk often. He is only 21 and spends his days and nights hanging with his buddies, which is what everyone should do at that age. We get along well and I hope that we get closer when we have more in common than our crazy parents. My sister and I are best buds, always have been. We've made a pact to move in together and care for each other when we are old.

[Anonymous]

My mom was abusive when I was young and manipulative later in life. She used me like a punching bag anytime something was wrong in her life, first, when I was little, in a literal sense. When I got too big to hit, the manipulation and mind-games started. I left home when I was 17 and would have never looked back, but I have two (MUCH) younger brothers who I practically raised (who were kindergarten / preschool age at the time) who spent a lot of time with me and I felt needed me. I couldn't bear to leave them behind so I stayed in touch with my mother and stepfather in order to remain close to my brothers; they spent summers with me at my apartment, which suited my mom because then she didn't have to bother with kids at all. My regrets her actions now (most of the time, other times she tries to somehow blame it on me, like a child could have done all of that!) and pulls out all of the stops to try and manipulate into a closer relationship. She makes me feel guilty for the huge gulf that is between us (I don't love her, don't feel close to her, and really don't enjoy having her in my life, and I do feel badly about of that but can't help it). I have a baby on the way and still have not decided what to do about contact with her. Tough situation.

My father and mother divorced when I was young and he also has two kids. I'm closer to my father and stepmother now but was not growing up, so by "closer" I mean we see each other a few times a year. They were detached when I was a kid and my dad had to be forced to spend time with me (by my stepmom, actually). Of all my parents, I am closest to her, but it is still a little bit strained overall. They will be part of my kids life for sure, though they probably won't want to visit often so I don't see us seeing them more than a few times a year, even with grandkids.

My siblings, on the other hand, are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have four of them and my sister and I are the closest, she is 12 years younger than me but my best friend. My other three siblings are brothers and we are all close, although, heartbreakingly, one of them has a drug problem and has been in and out of rehab so it's been hard to stay close to him with a baby on the way.

Thankfully, my in-laws are like the loving parents I never had. They are my family, more than my family is my family. I also have a grandma who is my best friend, who basically was the solid person in my life. She is still alive and well and the baby will be named after her.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my relationship with my family sounds similar to yours. They are narrow-minded and just cannot understand why someone would do things differently from them (i.e. live some place else, buy different types of food and clothes, etc.). Actually, my mom makes a hobby of being judgmental of others who do things differently, and I'm saddened that my sister has now followed suit.

They actually are trying to be closer since having my son, and I'm trying to push myself to visit more and connect more - I know my mom is clueless about her behavior, and I know that she might not be around for very long. But I have to say, I can only take about 3 days with her before I go nuts, and I generally am bored visiting. I think this might be because I've avoiding connecting because of past hurts (they really were hurtful to me when I moved to D.C. and made other decisions they didn't agree with). So I think I need to work on this more, although I haven't figured out how.

[Anonymous]

Estranged, totally cut off, relieved, and liberated at last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Estranged, totally cut off, relieved, and liberated at last.

[Anonymous]

OP, from what you've written, it sounds like the strain in your relationship with your parents stems more from having moved into a very different, perhaps more "sophisticated" lifestyle than the one you grew up in, rather than some kind of abuse or dysfunctional behavior. If that's the case, it's probably worth trying to make a better connection, if only for the sake of your children who may one day want to better understand their roots.

I did an exercise for a grad school class that was really a gift. I conducted an oral history interview with my mom about her childhood and education. (She was the only person in her family to go on to college.)

My mom and I have always had a close relationship yet with a lot of hostility around my choices, most of it stemming from us just being two very different people. I always felt she never understood or appreciated me, even though she loved me. For example, she's always been VERY tight with money and so was very discouraging to me when I wanted to get my graduate degree because it would be expensive and I had a good job already. The interview (a formal one, recorded and then transcribed) elicited incredible stories I'd never heard from her before, including the time when she was 5 years old and creditors came and loaded all their farm animals-- their entire livelihood-- onto a truck and took them away. I think every major decision she's made in her life has been grounded in the trauma of that day. And I'll never forget the way she sounded when she told that story. Sixty-three years later she still feels like the poor farm girl she was rather than the educated, middle-class woman with a stock portfolio that she is today.

The interview just gave so much more insight into why she is the way she is. More importantly, it helped me let her negative comments about my life just roll off my back because they weren't really about me, after all. And I have so much more respect now for who she is and what she's accomplished.

I'm now planning to "interview" my dad and other relatives to create a family history that I can share with my children. My sibs, BTW, were fascinated with the transcript and loved learning more about my mom's life.

One other note-- I also realized that the formality of an interview was so much more effective at eliciting stories from my mom than just asking her about her childhood in casual conversation would ever have been. After an initial awkwardness, she just seemed to open up more because the situation was stripped of the context of our relationship issues. In other words, I was asking her questions not in the context of some current disagreement between us but as a way of simply gathering information.