Why are people so anti-sibling when not drop off parties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents of more than one child have this issue all the time. Even when it is a drop off party, you will see what it feels like to pull away your screaming, upset younger child from Pump It Up or some other place. It's just another life lesson for them, in my book. Get a sitter, do a babysitting co-op, or trade off (you watch two younger kids - yours and a friend's - and the friend takes the invited kids to the party or vice versa or ask another family if they can bring your child and then next time you bring the other child). It was very rare that I had to actually pay a sitter. If you can plan ahead, it is not hard or expensive.

8:07 here. Good for you for actually teaching your children that life has disappointments and they're not automatically invited everywhere all the time. You're right -- it is a life lesson. The trouble is, the parents think they're entitled to bring all their kids.

I wish every parent would read The Blessing of a Skinned Knee or The Blessing of a B Minus. We should all think about this issue: "How can I be an effective parent in a culture that breeds anxiety and entitlement in children?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I never bring uninvited guests, but have to say that I'm always bummed out reading these things. I know a few moms in real life who complain about paying for siblings, and these are moms who live much more extravagantly than we do. So I find it interesting that so many on this list are citing poverty as the reason. Hey, host whoever you want, but something makes me suspect that most of you on this list aren't limiting sibs because you're indigent.

So you need to be "indigent" to not have it in your party budget to host approximately 15 additional kids? I could afford to do it, but when I am already paying $350 for a home party (food, drinks, cake, loot bags, paperwear) at which I am hosting the parents of all 15 kids in my son's class, in addition to all of the kids, it becomes unreasonable and I don't want to do it.

I didn't say you needed to be indigent, but I AM calling out the first two pages worth of posters who made it a "if the family doesn't have enough money to" thing. Hey, you chose to have an over the top party with disposable crap that is hurting our planet, so if you also choose not to include the sibling of a single mom who (gasp) has a hard time with free child care and doesn't want to or can't pay for childcare but still wants her kid (your child's good friend) to make it to your kid's party, etc, then you get to know that there are some of us who think that's lame. I have a stay at home husband and can afford childcare, and generally speaking am never the parent who NEEDS to bring a sib. Still, when we have parties, I value being inclusive and nice over indulging little Sally's every whim for her damn fourth bday party or whatever. Perspective, people. Get some! Again you are FREE to invite who you want and enforce it like the little despot you appear to be when you take pains to inform that sibs are not invited on the invitations (gauche! but whatever). You think others lack manners and yet it can't occur to you that manners are about making people feel at home and good in social situations. Sure, it's bad manners to be that mom who brings the sibling to the over-done bounce party, but it's also bad manners to value having your party "just so" over being a decent human being. Oh and stop acting like everyone brings sibs. Most people don't. If one or two women call you to ask if johnny's brother can come because husband is in Japan for three weeks, that doesn't mean that everyone will do that. Just invite the child, rely on most people to "get it" that you don't want siblings, and stop having an ever-loving heart attack because a mom or two dares to bring brothers and sisters.

Oh, and if those sibs are wrecking the party, and the parents don't intervene, that's a different problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I never bring uninvited guests, but have to say that I'm always bummed out reading these things. I know a few moms in real life who complain about paying for siblings, and these are moms who live much more extravagantly than we do. So I find it interesting that so many on this list are citing poverty as the reason. Hey, host whoever you want, but something makes me suspect that most of you on this list aren't limiting sibs because you're indigent.

So you need to be "indigent" to not have it in your party budget to host approximately 15 additional kids? I could afford to do it, but when I am already paying $350 for a home party (food, drinks, cake, loot bags, paperwear) at which I am hosting the parents of all 15 kids in my son's class, in addition to all of the kids, it becomes unreasonable and I don't want to do it.

I didn't say you needed to be indigent, but I AM calling out the first two pages worth of posters who made it a "if the family doesn't have enough money to" thing. Hey, you chose to have an over the top party with disposable crap that is hurting our planet, so if you also choose not to include the sibling of a single mom who (gasp) has a hard time with free child care and doesn't want to or can't pay for childcare but still wants her kid (your child's good friend) to make it to your kid's party, etc, then you get to know that there are some of us who think that's lame. I have a stay at home husband and can afford childcare, and generally speaking am never the parent who NEEDS to bring a sib. Still, when we have parties, I value being inclusive and nice over indulging little Sally's every whim for her damn fourth bday party or whatever. Perspective, people. Get some! Again you are FREE to invite who you want and enforce it like the little despot you appear to be when you take pains to inform that sibs are not invited on the invitations (gauche! but whatever). You think others lack manners and yet it can't occur to you that manners are about making people feel at home and good in social situations. Sure, it's bad manners to be that mom who brings the sibling to the over-done bounce party, but it's also bad manners to value having your party "just so" over being a decent human being. Oh and stop acting like everyone brings sibs. Most people don't. If one or two women call you to ask if johnny's brother can come because husband is in Japan for three weeks, that doesn't mean that everyone will do that. Just invite the child, rely on most people to "get it" that you don't want siblings, and stop having an ever-loving heart attack because a mom or two dares to bring brothers and sisters.

Oh, and if those sibs are wrecking the party, and the parents don't intervene, that's a different problem.

me again, to preempt some questions:

1. I have never brought a sibling to a party unless it was a party where the sibling was directly invited or I knew the families intended sibs to come, so don't bother saying I'm selfish because it's not something I do or need to do
2. It's just that I feel EMBARRASSED for people like you, who just don't get it. Going to say this isn't a problem for the broke folks on the list, who generally have parties at the park, and know what it's like to not be able to afford childcare.
3. One more thing - i'm in y 40s and NEVER went to a birthday party, not once, that was this insane as the parties are now, and I never once went to one where the siblings were deliberately excluded. And if someone would have written "no siblings" on an invitation, the gossip about that mother's poor form and lack of etiquette would have been ruthless.

[Anonymous]

This is why I don't and never have done these types of birthday parties. You people are just horrid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why? Because your siblings cost the host money. And your presumption that they should be included is incredibly rude. The party isn't for your convenience.

If you can't afford a few extra 2 year olds, maybe you shouldn't be hosting a party.

You are dense lady. I had small get togethers at my home for birthdays and invited my friends and their kids. For my son's third birthday we went to a bounce house venue and invited 15 preschool kids, plus 5 kids from my friends. I wrote that if people had a hard time finding someone to take care of the siblings, that they could bring them. Well, never again. There were 40 kids total in the RSVP and 45 showed up. Our venue which was $550 with pizza, drinks and balloons for 20 now was over $1000 and I had to make tons more goody bags and buy a much larger cake. It was very expensive. My children went to a Catholic preschool school and many families were numerous so many brought 3 or 4 siblings!!! No thanks, never again. It wasn't a few extra bucks, it was a lot of money. Now I make it very clear, no siblings.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the venue and your circle of friends. In my little social circle, we all do birthday parties at home or rent out the local rec center party room - the host isn't paying by head, and we're all friends. The kids' birthday parties at this age are really more for us to all get together. So, the whole family, siblings included, come. When DH stays home, I get asked why he didn't make it.

But when I get an invite from one of DD's preschool classmates, I don't take that as an open invitation to the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would much rather someone ask to bring a sibling than to decline the party because they didn't have childcare. I have had people ask, and I don't find it rude at all - this area has tons of single parents and families where one parent travels for work, and I don't expect anyone to go to ridiculous lengths in order to adhere to "perfect" etiquette when the issue in question is a child's birthday party.

+1

Clearly you have home parties or park parties or swimming parties. It doesn't quite work like this when the venue has a limited capacity. My kids both know the same birthday child but only one was invited to his party. It is at our pool. Wouldn't it be great if I could drop off one at the party and keep the other at the pool to just play? (After all, we are members?) But then it would be too difficult to not have my other non invited kid to want cake and a favor so even though it is a weekend and going to the pool is my right, I'm purposefully not doing that to keep the uninvited kid from the fray. It isn't all about you (the uninvited person).

I'm the first poster in this thread, and we do have venue parties. So say I pay for the party for 20 kids, but I'm really only inviting 17. Then I expect that only 14-15 can actually make it, so I have room for siblings. And if 21 kids show up, I pay the extra $15 or $20. It's a kid's party, it's not a White House state dinner.

[Anonymous]

Whatever, pp. I'm in my 40s also and NEVER ONCE went to a party that my sister or brother was invited to. It would have NEVER crossed my divorced mother's mind to automatically think that more than just the child who knew the birthday child was invited to the party and she would have NEVER asked to bring along uninvited guests.

My guess is these same needy parents who want to bring uninvited siblings to parties were probably bridezillas who would have been very unhappy if extra people showed up to their extravagant wedding reception.

To everyone -- if you or your child are invited to an event, and it doesn't fit in your plans, decline the invitation. Don't ask the host to change the event for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you bring uninvited guests, you're saying that your convenience outweighs the plans of the host. You wouldn't expect them to reschedule it if you can't make that date, would you? Sometimes you can't make it. If you can't make it without bringing an extra guest, this is one of those times.

+1. The entitlement of some PPs is truly appalling. Especially the ones trying to couch it as ungracious on the host's part, to not want uninvited siblings. Unbelievable.

It's incredible to me that in one or two generations manners have devolved so greatly and entitlement has become so significant. When we fortysomethings were kids, our parents understood that birthday parties were for invited guests. They didn't expect to foist off their extra kids on the hosts. Now parents view a party invitation for one child as an invitation to bring all their (sometimes poorly behaved) kids for free entertainment, food and drink, and goodie bags. When that's not the case, they label hosts as rude or ungracious. Perhaps worse, they inadvertently teach kids that they're always invited everywhere and always should be.

Funny, I would say that the entitled person is the one who thinks that their 2 or 3 year old needs a birthday party with goodie bags, and expensive entertainment.

We never took siblings to birthday parties when I was a kid because parties were little things you had in the backyard when you were old enough to stay without your parents. The only parties I would have gone to with my parents in tow would have been for family or family friends and then of course the whole family would have come.

I think that expecting parents to provide childcare at your party, and not accommodating their other children is ridiculous. I also think the argument that "we'd have 20 extra kids" is ridiculous. In my circle of friends the norm was to invite siblings. Older siblings rarely came as they usually had their own weekend engagements, so at a toddler birthday party you would have some babies in arms (who generally, in my experience, don't need to pay or put up a fuss about goodie bags), and maybe a couple of close in age siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever, pp. I'm in my 40s also and NEVER ONCE went to a party that my sister or brother was invited to. It would have NEVER crossed my divorced mother's mind to automatically think that more than just the child who knew the birthday child was invited to the party and she would have NEVER asked to bring along uninvited guests.

My guess is these same needy parents who want to bring uninvited siblings to parties were probably bridezillas who would have been very unhappy if extra people showed up to their extravagant wedding reception.

To everyone -- if you or your child are invited to an event, and it doesn't fit in your plans, decline the invitation. Don't ask the host to change the event for you.

Did you go to parties where your mother was expected to stay? Because I'm also in my 40's and I don't ever remember a party that wasn't a drop off party. Frankly if there was a non drop off party it would have been for tiny kids, and I wouldn't remember it. I do know from the family photos that there weren't parents, other than mine, at my 4th birthday or any of my siblings 4th birthdays.

[Anonymous]

Say "NO" to parties that are not convenient for your family.

The invitation is for a particular child, not for your convenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you bring uninvited guests, you're saying that your convenience outweighs the plans of the host. You wouldn't expect them to reschedule it if you can't make that date, would you? Sometimes you can't make it. If you can't make it without bringing an extra guest, this is one of those times.

+1. The entitlement of some PPs is truly appalling. Especially the ones trying to couch it as ungracious on the host's part, to not want uninvited siblings. Unbelievable.

It's incredible to me that in one or two generations manners have devolved so greatly and entitlement has become so significant. When we fortysomethings were kids, our parents understood that birthday parties were for invited guests. They didn't expect to foist off their extra kids on the hosts. Now parents view a party invitation for one child as an invitation to bring all their (sometimes poorly behaved) kids for free entertainment, food and drink, and goodie bags. When that's not the case, they label hosts as rude or ungracious. Perhaps worse, they inadvertently teach kids that they're always invited everywhere and always should be.

Funny, I would say that the entitled person is the one who thinks that their 2 or 3 year old needs a birthday party with goodie bags, and expensive entertainment.

We never took siblings to birthday parties when I was a kid because parties were little things you had in the backyard when you were old enough to stay without your parents. The only parties I would have gone to with my parents in tow would have been for family or family friends and then of course the whole family would have come.

I think that expecting parents to provide childcare at your party, and not accommodating their other children is ridiculous. I also think the argument that "we'd have 20 extra kids" is ridiculous. In my circle of friends the norm was to invite siblings. Older siblings rarely came as they usually had their own weekend engagements, so at a toddler birthday party you would have some babies in arms (who generally, in my experience, don't need to pay or put up a fuss about goodie bags), and maybe a couple of close in age siblings.

Sure, I can agree with your first bolded point. No kid needs these parties. But that's not up to the parents of the invited guest, right? So as the parent of an invited child, all you can own is your part of it : do you read the invitation to include siblings when that's really not the host's intent, and get huffy and both on DCUM when it doesn't? If so, the entitlement is yours.

From your second bolded point it's clear that you understand it's rude to expect siblings to be invited. Your own parents didn't do it. Now, however, many parents do expect it.

[Anonymous]

Nobody says that you aren't entitled to exclude siblings if you want to - it is a free country. But describing parents who say it's maybe, not nice to do that, are not "getting up in a huff on DCUM." They're calling out your own bad manners, and the irony of posting all over the place as if you've cornered the market on shaming others for their bad manners. LOL. Miss Manners would crack up at you. One of the cardinal rules of good manners is overlooking someone else's bad manners and abstaining from shaming them for it. It's about the social graces, not capital punishment for manners breakers. You people are the opposite of class. Are you guys the nouveau riche?

[Anonymous]

Also, please continue to put "no siblings, please" on your invitations so I can tell who you people are in real life and avoid you. And this is coming from a person with one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody says that you aren't entitled to exclude siblings if you want to - it is a free country. But describing parents who say it's maybe, not nice to do that, are not "getting up in a huff on DCUM." They're calling out your own bad manners, and the irony of posting all over the place as if you've cornered the market on shaming others for their bad manners. LOL. Miss Manners would crack up at you. One of the cardinal rules of good manners is overlooking someone else's bad manners and abstaining from shaming them for it. It's about the social graces, not capital punishment for manners breakers. You people are the opposite of class. Are you guys the nouveau riche?

When you were growing up did your parents assume birthday parties automatically included siblings? I'm betting not.