Alcohol use and aging, ill dad

[Anonymous]

Alcoholism is so ugly.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/other/delirium-tremens-when-does-alcohol-cause-dts/ar-AA1nb5W0?ocid=msedgntp&pc=DCTS&cvid=62883464f98343f19db4b544c481df33&ei=11

OP, he is drinking again, I knew it from your original post. I suspect stepmom may have an alcohol use problem too. My alcoholic dad encouraged my mom to drink until she was addicted too. It's so hard when the addiction comes before being alive to be your parent, driving safely, not making you uncomfortable, etc.

Go to Al Anon but also look into ACoA. Read the literature. This has all had a profound impact on you and it's good to get an understanding. It will impact your parenting more than you know. You may have generational addiction and trauma for multiple generations, even those that don't pick up a drink are profoundly impacted. Often marrying an addict of some sort even if it is work addiction or compulsive exercise.

It can have a genetic component, if not for booze for work addiction, compulsive eating or exercise, gambling, etc. There are some studies that suggest issues with dopamine > dopamine seeking behavior, even chaos as a means of accessing the "inner drugstore" of adrenalin, some even get dopamine from conflict, etc.

Both your dad and step mom want you to endorse their drinking. You can choose not to do so.

My heart goes out to you, it's really hard. I hope parts of your visit are ok or even nice. We really can't control other people, only ourselves. Wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Spend that money on a hobby. Get him out of the house more. If he’s still walking you’re doing well, keep it that way.

He's barely walking - can only stand for a couple of minutes. His hobbies are attending theater, watching the History Channel, watching CNN and complaining about Trump. He also goes out to restaurants with my stepmom and their small group of friends. He goes to church with my stepmom but won't join "groups" - was never his thing. He was a lifelong boater on the Great Lakes but had to sell their boat a couple of years ago due to his health issues. It is what it is - he's not going to develop a new hobby at this stage of his life.

Ultimately since my stepmom controls access and will be the one that has to deal with the consequences it's her decision along with my dad.

I don’t mean to be personal, but this sounds like co-dependency and enabling.

If it’s up to your mother, does she want your opinion? Did she ask for it! She may feel very caught between a rock and a hard place. Supporting her in a decision to hold the line could be important if that’s what she decides.

Alcoholics Anonymous is controversial on DCUM, but it is free, available in multiple Zoom meetings globally, and many people find it enlightening and fun. Even the precept that a person needs “a desire to stop drinking” is flexible at the outset. Especially for a non-joiner, the first time can be scary, but it is genuinely anonymous (you can turn off your Zoom camera and even just listen), and he may well hear things he can identify with that will help him understand. There is a difference between being “dry” like he is now, and in recovery. And if AA’s not the thing there are other programs.

This is a petpeeve of mine but I've said "stepmom" in each of my posts and respondents keep saying "mom". My dad will absolutely not go to an AA meeting - doesn't believe he has/had a drinking problem. Yes - my stepmom has enabled this for years and was in deep denial. While he was hospitalized this summer my brother and I learned for the first time how much he was drinking and how much she was buying. She really believed because she left bottles of wine in the trunk of the car in the garage, instead of bringing it into the house, she was somehow helping him moderate the drinking.

You are considering actively joining the enabling, OP.

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-enabling-an-alcoholic-63083

Offer to attend Zoom Al Anon meetings with stepmom. Bro can join too, the beauty of the interwebs. ACOA meetings for you and your brother would be very beneficial.

And contact his doctor and convey that he is a long term alcoholic now sober so he is not enabling out of ignorance. I'd consult with an addiction medicine doctor as well.

Why should OP try and get her stepmom and brother into therapy. Her dad is on borrowed time. Maybe drinking himself to death quickly would be better for everyone. I think OP should mind her own business and seek a therapist if she finds herself ruminating on the situation. 1) My guess is that dad has already begun drinking. Asking was just a way for dad and stepmom to see if he can drink when everyone is around. 2) Dad is likely very hard for step mom to manage. Does OP want to become involved for caring for her sober dad. I doubt it.

Am currently ruminating because I'm staying with him for two weeks so that stepmom can take a vacation and take a break for caring for him. She told me before she left that they've started to have wine with dinner out occasionally. I said I wasn't comfortable with that and I certainly wouldn't order alcohol when I take him out while I'm here and told them both that I'd prefer he not drink while I'm responsible for his care.

You're in a rough spot, OP. Your father is almost certainly drinking more than a glass of wine with dinner here or there. I think you know it. I think your family knows it. And I think stepmother broaching the subject means your dad basically wants permission to be open and uninhibited with his drinking.

Your father is in a rough spot as well. I feel for him. I'm 18 months sober and one of the best parts for me is knowing that I don't ever have to have that gnawing feeling of addiction and the compulsion to drink even when I didn't want to and certainly didn't enjoy it. I also hope that somewhere during these 18 months I have internalized the truth that I can't moderate. But it doesn't sound like your father is in that place and it doesn't sound like he wants to be.

The progression of your own answers on this thread are really interesting. You are taking on your father's voice as you justify his drinking and are defensive about it, but in the post above you admit that your first instinct was to say you wouldn't enable him.

So here's what I think. I think this about you (not a bad thing) and how you are going to reflect on the end of your father's life in the years to come. Your instinct is to not enable his drinking. That sounds like a valid choice and it's yours to make.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if we come back to the question of autonomy. If someone is dying of heart related issues but wants to eat foods high in fat and sodium - and the question was posed - should the stepmom cook the food the father wants to eat even if it’s bad for him - do people feel differently? I do think the OP is asking more about autonomy for aging, ill people and their freedom to make choices that others see as “bad” for them - as living family members do you try to be strict with them or “live and let live?”

I think younger people think these kinds of decisions can save their parent’s life.

When you get old you realize you are going to die. Sooner rather than later. Of one thing or another.

It is rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic to guard against the threat you are aware of. You are just “saving them” to die another way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if we come back to the question of autonomy. If someone is dying of heart related issues but wants to eat foods high in fat and sodium - and the question was posed - should the stepmom cook the food the father wants to eat even if it’s bad for him - do people feel differently? I do think the OP is asking more about autonomy for aging, ill people and their freedom to make choices that others see as “bad” for them - as living family members do you try to be strict with them or “live and let live?”

I think younger people think these kinds of decisions can save their parent’s life.

When you get old you realize you are going to die. Sooner rather than later. Of one thing or another.

It is rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic to guard against the threat you are aware of. You are just “saving them” to die another way.

It’s not about saving him so he can die another way. It’s about trying to stop his addiction from making his wife’s and his lives a hellish living death before he goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It should be entirely your stepmother's decision, since she has to live with him and however he behaves under the influence - and since she's being asked to be an enabler, again.

This is very true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It should be entirely your stepmother's decision, since she has to live with him and however he behaves under the influence - and since she's being asked to be an enabler, again.

This is very true.

Stepmom drinks with him. Who is driving home from these outings?

Al Anon for you, OP. You are the only one you can control here. Coda is good too.

[Anonymous]

OP, your dad and stepmom are almost exactly like my dad and mom were in the few years before his death. I have so much anger towards them for his addiction and her choices that your post makes me really sad and angry all over again. My dad had all the health issues exactly like yours. He finally stopped stopped drinking when he was unable to leave the house and was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer. I thought I would feel a lot of relief at his death but I just feel empty and still mad at my mom for the years of enabling, even though I am sure his personality overwhelmed any of her own choices and made her subservient. I am guessing your stepmom will do what she is going to do and what your father wants her to do and bring back alcohol with or without your blessing.
I like what a PP said: I think this about you (not a bad thing) and how you are going to reflect on the end of your father's life in the years to come. Your instinct is to not enable his drinking. That sounds like a valid choice and it's yours to make.
I agree but will caution you that in my family’s case the damage was done from living with a high functioning alcoholic and an enabler long before his final years.