Alcohol use and aging, ill dad

[Anonymous]

He dried out and detoxed in the hospital/rehab.
If he starts drinking again, the physical craving will be restarted. He will suffer and eventually find ways to get more via stepmother or other means. He will have to.

He should go to AA meetings. They have them online.
https://aa-intergroup.org/
https://www.aa.org/
Your stepmom needs AlAnon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spend that money on a hobby. Get him out of the house more. If he’s still walking you’re doing well, keep it that way.

He's barely walking - can only stand for a couple of minutes. His hobbies are attending theater, watching the History Channel, watching CNN and complaining about Trump. He also goes out to restaurants with my stepmom and their small group of friends. He goes to church with my stepmom but won't join "groups" - was never his thing. He was a lifelong boater on the Great Lakes but had to sell their boat a couple of years ago due to his health issues. It is what it is - he's not going to develop a new hobby at this stage of his life.

Ultimately since my stepmom controls access and will be the one that has to deal with the consequences it's her decision along with my dad.

Would strongly suggest Al Anon for her, there are online meetings and a helpful Reddit sub. https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/

For you, https://adultchildren.org/

Unpacking how his alcoholism has impacted you, then and now is worthwhile, not only for your own quality of life but to prevent more complex grief when he passes.

When he goes out with the friend group does he drink then?

Going to the theater seems like a much better place to spend the money.

Like the old saying goes, 100 drinks is never enough and 1 is too many. Having it in the house and trying to ration it will be a recipe for unending conflict.

[Anonymous]

A bottle a week?
I can see the charming little ritual with measuring glass and calculator pouring out 1/7 and sipping it.
Then the evolution to sloshing it into the glass. Looking for where she hides it. Drinking all of what's left. Begging for more, with the shakes. Cursing her and fighting about it.
Charming way to help old dad enjoy life.
Get real.

[Anonymous]

It's so interesting that the replies are almost evenly split between "let the old man do what he wants - stop micromanaging his life!" and "absolutely not - he will certainly devolve into needing to drink increasing quantities causing misery and pain for himself and family." Curious that folks see it as so black and white - with little room for nuance.

[Anonymous]

Are there dinner cruises and the like that that could go on that he'd enjoy? How about an actual cruise with stops at places of historic interest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A bottle a week?
I can see the charming little ritual with measuring glass and calculator pouring out 1/7 and sipping it.
Then the evolution to sloshing it into the glass. Looking for where she hides it. Drinking all of what's left. Begging for more, with the shakes. Cursing her and fighting about it.
Charming way to help old dad enjoy life.
Get real.

No - she buys a bottle a week - they each have a glass of wine with dinner for 2 nights and once it's gone, it's gone. She doesn't buy more until the following week. That's essentially what she's proposing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He dried out and detoxed in the hospital/rehab.
If he starts drinking again, the physical craving will be restarted. He will suffer and eventually find ways to get more via stepmother or other means. He will have to.

He should go to AA meetings. They have them online.
https://aa-intergroup.org/
https://www.aa.org/
Your stepmom needs AlAnon.

This.

Do they still live in a SFH? Any plans to move to a retirement community? Can help w/drinkers if more socializing or activities are beneficial, or not, if there are happy hours and wine with dinner. How is step-mom's health?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bottle a week?
I can see the charming little ritual with measuring glass and calculator pouring out 1/7 and sipping it.
Then the evolution to sloshing it into the glass. Looking for where she hides it. Drinking all of what's left. Begging for more, with the shakes. Cursing her and fighting about it.
Charming way to help old dad enjoy life.
Get real.

No - she buys a bottle a week - they each have a glass of wine with dinner for 2 nights and once it's gone, it's gone. She doesn't buy more until the following week. That's essentially what she's proposing.

The above is the reality. Thinking it won't head there is denial.

She needs Al Anon and likely Coda.

It will become a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:75 year old dad has been a functioning alcoholic for years. A stay in the ICU last summer followed by in-patient rehab (related to his heart and physical therapy - not substance use rehab) made him stop drinking (he doesn’t drive and my stepmom finally stopped purchasing alcohol). His health is stable now - but he has cirrhosis, congestive heart failure and chronic kidney disease. FWIW - his labs show that his liver is actually functioning pretty well. He wants to start drinking again, in moderation (I do think that’s possible if my stepmom only buys 1 bottle of wine per week or so). The rest of the family is totally opposed but I am kind of thinking - he probably has 5 years left at best, and maybe he should be able to enjoy the things he enjoys? What do others think?

Alcohol is terrible with chronic kidney disease and congestive heart failure. Greatly increases risks of a stroke which will be a horrible quality of life, perhaps robbing him of the ability to speak.

I think you are a pot stirrer, OP.

Will be a horrible escalating situation for step-mom to try to manage.

Al Anon for her and YOU. Online meetings or in person. r/alanon can also help break the denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:75 year old dad has been a functioning alcoholic for years. A stay in the ICU last summer followed by in-patient rehab (related to his heart and physical therapy - not substance use rehab) made him stop drinking (he doesn’t drive and my stepmom finally stopped purchasing alcohol). His health is stable now - but he has cirrhosis, congestive heart failure and chronic kidney disease. FWIW - his labs show that his liver is actually functioning pretty well. He wants to start drinking again, in moderation (I do think that’s possible if my stepmom only buys 1 bottle of wine per week or so). The rest of the family is totally opposed but I am kind of thinking - he probably has 5 years left at best, and maybe he should be able to enjoy the things he enjoys? What do others think?

Alcohol is terrible with chronic kidney disease and congestive heart failure. Greatly increases risks of a stroke which will be a horrible quality of life, perhaps robbing him of the ability to speak.

I think you are a pot stirrer, OP.

Will be a horrible escalating situation for step-mom to try to manage.

Al Anon for her and YOU. Online meetings or in person. r/alanon can also help break the denial.

I'm not stirring the pot. Stepmom came to me about what she and my dad are considering. My dad and stepmom value my input. I can take a hard line and say "I think this is a terrible idea - do not do this" or I can say "here are the risks I see but it's ultimately your decision" or I can say "Doesn't sound great but it's your lives." FWIW - they say that their doctor says a glass of wine per day is ok but I suspect that his primary care provider doesn't know the true amount he was drinking prior to his hospitalization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bottle a week?
I can see the charming little ritual with measuring glass and calculator pouring out 1/7 and sipping it.
Then the evolution to sloshing it into the glass. Looking for where she hides it. Drinking all of what's left. Begging for more, with the shakes. Cursing her and fighting about it.
Charming way to help old dad enjoy life.
Get real.

No - she buys a bottle a week - they each have a glass of wine with dinner for 2 nights and once it's gone, it's gone. She doesn't buy more until the following week. That's essentially what she's proposing.

He will go back to active addiction.

But, it's her choice. I'd stay well out of it, OP. Hope she does not pass before him. Alcoholics live ugly addicted lives to the end unless they get into some type of recovery. Your story being a case in point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you and the rest of the family doesn't get to have an opinion and I am appalled it's even a topic of discussion.

+1

signed, the daughter of an alcoholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you and the rest of the family doesn't get to have an opinion and I am appalled it's even a topic of discussion.

+1

signed, the daughter of an alcoholic

Why not when I've been asked for my opinion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:75 year old dad has been a functioning alcoholic for years. A stay in the ICU last summer followed by in-patient rehab (related to his heart and physical therapy - not substance use rehab) made him stop drinking (he doesn’t drive and my stepmom finally stopped purchasing alcohol). His health is stable now - but he has cirrhosis, congestive heart failure and chronic kidney disease. FWIW - his labs show that his liver is actually functioning pretty well. He wants to start drinking again, in moderation (I do think that’s possible if my stepmom only buys 1 bottle of wine per week or so). The rest of the family is totally opposed but I am kind of thinking - he probably has 5 years left at best, and maybe he should be able to enjoy the things he enjoys? What do others think?

Alcohol is terrible with chronic kidney disease and congestive heart failure. Greatly increases risks of a stroke which will be a horrible quality of life, perhaps robbing him of the ability to speak.

I think you are a pot stirrer, OP.

Will be a horrible escalating situation for step-mom to try to manage.

Al Anon for her and YOU. Online meetings or in person. r/alanon can also help break the denial.

I'm not stirring the pot. Stepmom came to me about what she and my dad are considering. My dad and stepmom value my input. I can take a hard line and say "I think this is a terrible idea - do not do this" or I can say "here are the risks I see but it's ultimately your decision" or I can say "Doesn't sound great but it's your lives." FWIW - they say that their doctor says a glass of wine per day is ok but I suspect that his primary care provider doesn't know the true amount he was drinking prior to his hospitalization.

Does his primary care provider know he is a long term alcoholic who is currently sober? If not, that is likely leading him to provide generic advice.

Al Anon for you, OP. Stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you and the rest of the family doesn't get to have an opinion and I am appalled it's even a topic of discussion.

+1

signed, the daughter of an alcoholic

Why not when I've been asked for my opinion?

As the daughter of an alcoholic in his late 70s, I’m surprised you are still so vested in this. I essentially don’t care if my dad drinks or not. I would love him to not drink and drive but I have zero control. If he drinks himself to death. Fine. If he gets sober, fine. I don’t care.

I think you need to do your own work to unpack why you have any vested interest.