Coparenting

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and have a toddler together. Prior to our relationship, he was with another woman and had a child with her as well. After he began his relationship with me, his ex got upset and did a lot of hurtful things to him (wouldn't let him see his child, tried to get him incarcerated, etc.) As of the past few years, he has been able to see his child more, but she is still stuck on their break up that happened years ago. The two of them do not talk often (only when they are exchanging the child) but when they do speak, it's always about me and how she doesn't like me and how she doesn't want him with me, etc. She said that she wants them to spend more time together with their child, but she has also said that she wants him back and essentially wants me and my child with him to disappear. He wants to spend more time with his child with her, so he brought up the idea that he would ask her if the two of them and their child could set up a weekly thing where they hang out, go grab something to eat, ice cream, chuck e cheese, things like that. I'm not sure how to feel about that. He says all the time that he doesn't want her and just wants his child to be able to spend time with both parents together. I was raised by both of my parents who are married, so I don't have experience in this area. Is it normal for two parents to hang out together with their child, when one of the parents is in a relationship/marriage? I feel uncomfortable about it, because she has a clear motive of trying to get him back. I'm not sure how I should feel. I want to make sure that everything is done in the best interest of the children, but I need some input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and have a toddler together. Prior to our relationship, he was with another woman and had a child with her as well. After he began his relationship with me, his ex got upset and did a lot of hurtful things to him (wouldn't let him see his child, tried to get him incarcerated, etc.) As of the past few years, he has been able to see his child more, but she is still stuck on their break up that happened years ago. The two of them do not talk often (only when they are exchanging the child) but when they do speak, it's always about me and how she doesn't like me and how she doesn't want him with me, etc. She said that she wants them to spend more time together with their child, but she has also said that she wants him back and essentially wants me and my child with him to disappear. He wants to spend more time with his child with her, so he brought up the idea that he would ask her if the two of them and their child could set up a weekly thing where they hang out, go grab something to eat, ice cream, chuck e cheese, things like that. I'm not sure how to feel about that. He says all the time that he doesn't want her and just wants his child to be able to spend time with both parents together. I was raised by both of my parents who are married, so I don't have experience in this area. Is it normal for two parents to hang out together with their child, when one of the parents is in a relationship/marriage? I feel uncomfortable about it, because she has a clear motive of trying to get him back. I'm not sure how I should feel. I want to make sure that everything is done in the best interest of the children, but I need some input.

No it is neither normal nor good for the poor child.

This should be in the relationship forum, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and have a toddler together. Prior to our relationship, he was with another woman and had a child with her as well. After he began his relationship with me, his ex got upset and did a lot of hurtful things to him (wouldn't let him see his child, tried to get him incarcerated, etc.) As of the past few years, he has been able to see his child more, but she is still stuck on their break up that happened years ago. The two of them do not talk often (only when they are exchanging the child) but when they do speak, it's always about me and how she doesn't like me and how she doesn't want him with me, etc. She said that she wants them to spend more time together with their child, but she has also said that she wants him back and essentially wants me and my child with him to disappear. He wants to spend more time with his child with her, so he brought up the idea that he would ask her if the two of them and their child could set up a weekly thing where they hang out, go grab something to eat, ice cream, chuck e cheese, things like that. I'm not sure how to feel about that. He says all the time that he doesn't want her and just wants his child to be able to spend time with both parents together. I was raised by both of my parents who are married, so I don't have experience in this area. Is it normal for two parents to hang out together with their child, when one of the parents is in a relationship/marriage? I feel uncomfortable about it, because she has a clear motive of trying to get him back. I'm not sure how I should feel. I want to make sure that everything is done in the best interest of the children, but I need some input.

No it is neither normal nor good for the poor child.

This should be in the relationship forum, btw.

OP here. Funny. I initially posted in the relationship forum, then realized how I had titled it, and thought it should go in parenting. Sorry about that! Thank you for your input. I feel the same way - I don't think it's normal!

[Anonymous]

If you don't want to commit to him (hence you're not married), why do you care if he goes on play dates with his ex gf and child?

Decide what YOU want in life and get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to commit to him (hence you're not married), why do you care if he goes on play dates with his ex gf and child?

Decide what YOU want in life and get it.

I do want to commit to him, and he says he wants to commit to me. We are in the process of going that route.

Does marriage vs. relationship make a difference in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and have a toddler together. Prior to our relationship, he was with another woman and had a child with her as well. After he began his relationship with me, his ex got upset and did a lot of hurtful things to him (wouldn't let him see his child, tried to get him incarcerated, etc.) As of the past few years, he has been able to see his child more, but she is still stuck on their break up that happened years ago. The two of them do not talk often (only when they are exchanging the child) but when they do speak, it's always about me and how she doesn't like me and how she doesn't want him with me, etc. She said that she wants them to spend more time together with their child, but she has also said that she wants him back and essentially wants me and my child with him to disappear. He wants to spend more time with his child with her, so he brought up the idea that he would ask her if the two of them and their child could set up a weekly thing where they hang out, go grab something to eat, ice cream, chuck e cheese, things like that. I'm not sure how to feel about that. He says all the time that he doesn't want her and just wants his child to be able to spend time with both parents together. I was raised by both of my parents who are married, so I don't have experience in this area. Is it normal for two parents to hang out together with their child, when one of the parents is in a relationship/marriage? I feel uncomfortable about it, because she has a clear motive of trying to get him back. I'm not sure how I should feel. I want to make sure that everything is done in the best interest of the children, but I need some input.

No it is neither normal nor good for the poor child.

This should be in the relationship forum, btw.

I disagree that its unfair or not normal, but the couples I know that co-parent and will have lunch together after Saturday sports games or get together at holidays so the child doesn't have to do 2 sets of Thanksgiving dinners, or things like that seem to have started in a very different situation- they were married and divorced, a bit older (dare I say more mature? Sorry OP but your post sounds very high school in some ways, trash talking, stealing BFs, insecurity, etc) and conscious of how to discuss things with their child so as to not give them "false hope" of reconciliation. I know a couple that are remarried each and even still do things as a 4-some with their kids all in tow so the siblings can feel together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to commit to him (hence you're not married), why do you care if he goes on play dates with his ex gf and child?

Decide what YOU want in life and get it.

I do want to commit to him, and he says he wants to commit to me. We are in the process of going that route.

Does marriage vs. relationship make a difference in this situation?

Yes marriage makes a big difference. You make a lifetime commitment to one person in a marriage. Married man hanging out with his ex gf is not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and have a toddler together. Prior to our relationship, he was with another woman and had a child with her as well. After he began his relationship with me, his ex got upset and did a lot of hurtful things to him (wouldn't let him see his child, tried to get him incarcerated, etc.) As of the past few years, he has been able to see his child more, but she is still stuck on their break up that happened years ago. The two of them do not talk often (only when they are exchanging the child) but when they do speak, it's always about me and how she doesn't like me and how she doesn't want him with me, etc. She said that she wants them to spend more time together with their child, but she has also said that she wants him back and essentially wants me and my child with him to disappear. He wants to spend more time with his child with her, so he brought up the idea that he would ask her if the two of them and their child could set up a weekly thing where they hang out, go grab something to eat, ice cream, chuck e cheese, things like that. I'm not sure how to feel about that. He says all the time that he doesn't want her and just wants his child to be able to spend time with both parents together. I was raised by both of my parents who are married, so I don't have experience in this area. Is it normal for two parents to hang out together with their child, when one of the parents is in a relationship/marriage? I feel uncomfortable about it, because she has a clear motive of trying to get him back. I'm not sure how I should feel. I want to make sure that everything is done in the best interest of the children, but I need some input.

You should feel how you feel. How other people feel is really not relevant. If you're not comfortable with your partner hanging out with his child and his child's mother as co-parents, because you don't trust your partner, then you need to tell your partner that. You and your partner need to have a conversation (or several) about this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to commit to him (hence you're not married), why do you care if he goes on play dates with his ex gf and child?

Decide what YOU want in life and get it.

I do want to commit to him, and he says he wants to commit to me. We are in the process of going that route.

Does marriage vs. relationship make a difference in this situation?

No. If you were married to him now, and he had previously been married to the mother of his child, you would be in exactly the same situation.

For what it's worth, OP, my advice to you is not to get married right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to commit to him (hence you're not married), why do you care if he goes on play dates with his ex gf and child?

Decide what YOU want in life and get it.

I do want to commit to him, and he says he wants to commit to me. We are in the process of going that route.

Does marriage vs. relationship make a difference in this situation?

Yes marriage makes a big difference. You make a lifetime commitment to one person in a marriage. Married man hanging out with his ex gf is not the same.

I disagree. Your boyfriend is wrong to spend time with his ex and child together regardless of what kind of relationship he is involved with you. It is not good for the child. Yes, they will be together at events - graduations, games, concerts, etc - that is NOT the same as confusing the child by "hanging out".

[Anonymous]

No it's not normal. Your boyfriend should have time with his child, but alone -- without the other woman. There's no benefit in the child having time with his/her parents together if they're not together and have no plans to be together in the future. It would only confuse the child more. What's worse -- yes, she wants him back and allowing this gives her an opportunity to get what she wants. If your boyfriend is entertaining the idea of spending time with the child together with her then he's probably considering taking her up on her offer of getting back together or at least looking to mess around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No it's not normal. Your boyfriend should have time with his child, but alone -- without the other woman. There's no benefit in the child having time with his/her parents together if they're not together and have no plans to be together in the future. It would only confuse the child more. What's worse -- yes, she wants him back and allowing this gives her an opportunity to get what she wants. If your boyfriend is entertaining the idea of spending time with the child together with her then he's probably considering taking her up on her offer of getting back together or at least looking to mess around.

You have a good point. I'm not sure if it's so much that he is considering taking her back or messing around, but I feel that is he overly nice to her (i.e. he doesn't want to make her upset, doesn't want to tell her how things really are, etc.) It's like walking on egg shells with her. I can't understand why it matters so much. Either he 1) wants to be with her again or 2) is just overly nice and too dumb to realize what her intentions are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and have a toddler together. Prior to our relationship, he was with another woman and had a child with her as well. After he began his relationship with me, his ex got upset and did a lot of hurtful things to him (wouldn't let him see his child, tried to get him incarcerated, etc.) As of the past few years, he has been able to see his child more, but she is still stuck on their break up that happened years ago. The two of them do not talk often (only when they are exchanging the child) but when they do speak, it's always about me and how she doesn't like me and how she doesn't want him with me, etc. She said that she wants them to spend more time together with their child, but she has also said that she wants him back and essentially wants me and my child with him to disappear. He wants to spend more time with his child with her, so he brought up the idea that he would ask her if the two of them and their child could set up a weekly thing where they hang out, go grab something to eat, ice cream, chuck e cheese, things like that. I'm not sure how to feel about that. He says all the time that he doesn't want her and just wants his child to be able to spend time with both parents together. I was raised by both of my parents who are married, so I don't have experience in this area. Is it normal for two parents to hang out together with their child, when one of the parents is in a relationship/marriage? I feel uncomfortable about it, because she has a clear motive of trying to get him back. I'm not sure how I should feel. I want to make sure that everything is done in the best interest of the children, but I need some input.

No it is neither normal nor good for the poor child.

This should be in the relationship forum, btw.

I disagree that its unfair or not normal, but the couples I know that co-parent and will have lunch together after Saturday sports games or get together at holidays so the child doesn't have to do 2 sets of Thanksgiving dinners, or things like that seem to have started in a very different situation- they were married and divorced, a bit older (dare I say more mature? Sorry OP but your post sounds very high school in some ways, trash talking, stealing BFs, insecurity, etc) and conscious of how to discuss things with their child so as to not give them "false hope" of reconciliation. I know a couple that are remarried each and even still do things as a 4-some with their kids all in tow so the siblings can feel together.

OP here. I do think that spending time together as "co-parents" can work in certain instances - such as when BOTH parties have moved on. How can two people truly just spend time with their child together when one of them has an ulterior motive to get the other parent back so that she can have her "family" back? In this instance, it is the latter. Her sole purpose in all of this is to get him back. He's too dumb to realize what's really happening here.

And to your point about maturity, yes, I agree. This started out in our late teens/very early 20s. We were all immature enough to put ourselves in this situation and did some really silly things.

[Anonymous]

Do they have a custody agreement? It sounds like they don't. They need one. That would spell out how much time he gets and how it is spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to commit to him (hence you're not married), why do you care if he goes on play dates with his ex gf and child?

Decide what YOU want in life and get it.

I do want to commit to him, and he says he wants to commit to me. We are in the process of going that route.

Does marriage vs. relationship make a difference in this situation?

OP, be honest. You do not trust this guy. You think he's thinking about messing around with her or too dumb to know his ex's intentions. I think not. I think your instincts that he wants to cheat are correct -- that's why you're so insecure about him hanging out with his ex.

This guy sounds like a dreamboat. Why do you want to stay with him?