Coparenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No it's not normal. Your boyfriend should have time with his child, but alone -- without the other woman. There's no benefit in the child having time with his/her parents together if they're not together and have no plans to be together in the future. It would only confuse the child more. What's worse -- yes, she wants him back and allowing this gives her an opportunity to get what she wants. If your boyfriend is entertaining the idea of spending time with the child together with her then he's probably considering taking her up on her offer of getting back together or at least looking to mess around.

You have a good point. I'm not sure if it's so much that he is considering taking her back or messing around, but I feel that is he overly nice to her (i.e. he doesn't want to make her upset, doesn't want to tell her how things really are, etc.) It's like walking on egg shells with her. I can't understand why it matters so much. Either he 1) wants to be with her again or 2) is just overly nice and too dumb to realize what her intentions are.

Perhaps because he would like to see his child more and believes that this is the way to achieve that goal.

Regardless, OP, you clearly don't trust your boyfriend. That's the main issue for you to think about here.

[Anonymous]

My ex-husband and I periodically spend time together with DD. We have been divorced for 3 years and have done this since shortly after our separation. It is fine, though in the past, his girlfriends have felt threatened by that. We have brunch maybe once a month and attend joint school events together. We did Halloween together, which was fun.

The difference between this situation and yours is that we are 100% fine with being divorced. We are not romantically interested in each other, at all. If we talk about our marriage, it is almost like it was always a coparenting partnership the way it is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I do think that spending time together as "co-parents" can work in certain instances - such as when BOTH parties have moved on. How can two people truly just spend time with their child together when one of them has an ulterior motive to get the other parent back so that she can have her "family" back? In this instance, it is the latter. Her sole purpose in all of this is to get him back. He's too dumb to realize what's really happening here.

And to your point about maturity, yes, I agree. This started out in our late teens/very early 20s. We were all immature enough to put ourselves in this situation and did some really silly things.

OP, it doesn't actually matter what you think. I'm sorry, but this is what he wants to do, how he feels he ought to parent. The only question is can you accept that. The rest of it (why he's doing this, why she's doing this, how they could do things differently, how other people do things) just don't matter.

You have one question to answer: Am I ok with him spending 'family' time with ex and child?

[Anonymous]

OP - So from what you relate Boy Friend has gotten involved with two girls and had a child by each without no concern idea of marriage before the child came along. Seems as if the key point is that all three of you made some choices in the last few years which may have not been thought completely through. It might be a good idea for you and BF to go to some couples counseling to define your relationship as a first step because if commitment is not there for you, maybe it is best for you and DC to be moving on and establishing a custody/co-parenting relationship with this fellow. Then you would be on equal footing with the former girl friend. It sounds like at this point no one is at the point of making any long-term decisions. What would make sense for both of you girls is to get legal custody AND support documents in place to protect the best interests of the two children and then you girls can go after BF or not......

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's entirely normal for divorced parents to spend time together. My ex (whom I never married) and I have been doing this for over 10 years -- dinner together several nights a week, occasional weekend activities together, and definitely jointly attending school and sports events. The kids are not confused. They know we will never get back together. We made that clear when we separated. They appreciate not having to divide their time and seeing each of us more than 50% of the time.

When my ex gets re-married, I expect he will spend less time with all of us together, but I hope it doesn't end altogether, not because *I* want to spend time with him, but because they kids like to have both their parents at events and to be able to talk to both of us at the same time. We are able to get along and don't fight, so it's not really a problem. If the new girlfriend is a reasonable person, I would hope that all three of us could spend time together now and then and be courteous to each other.

For many people, modern divorce is quite different from the hostile 50/50, no contact of yesteryear.

Similarly, if I remarry, I would expect my new spouse or boyfriend to meet and get along with my ex and be open to having him visit and participate in holidays, events, etc. Anything else would be an absolute non-starter for me.

A significant other who is jealous of my ex, or who views time spent with my ex as some kind of judgment on my commitment to my new significant other, would clearly be someone who is not ready for a serious relationship with a partner who has prior family commitments. Previously existing family doesn't just end or fit into a neat box.

What's really a red flag is your relationship with your boyfriend, not his relationship with his ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to commit to him (hence you're not married), why do you care if he goes on play dates with his ex gf and child?

Decide what YOU want in life and get it.

I do want to commit to him, and he says he wants to commit to me. We are in the process of going that route.

Does marriage vs. relationship make a difference in this situation?

It does if you're on DCUM, where bastard children are frowned upon and unmarried co-habitating parents are regarded as lower-class.

[Anonymous]

It's normal for divorced people to spend time together; what's not normal is the ex wants you and your child to disappear.

Unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to commit to him (hence you're not married), why do you care if he goes on play dates with his ex gf and child?

Decide what YOU want in life and get it.

I do want to commit to him, and he says he wants to commit to me. We are in the process of going that route.

Does marriage vs. relationship make a difference in this situation?

Yes. He is not that in to you. And he is probably sleeping with her. He had a kid with you and did not marry you.you can force him to marry and it will be a $&@# show.

[Anonymous]

This is some Jerry Springer shit. He will have another baby with another babymama - probably someone you already know, like your sister or mom LOL.
Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Contrary to what some PP's wrote, it can be healthy and really great for divorced/split co-parents to spend time with their child together. It's a win/win -- the parents get more time with the child, and the child doesn't have to halve him/herself and only ever enjoy a life experience with one parent at a time. My DH and his ex would go out to ice cream after SD's sports events together, would occasionally take her out to dinner together, and sometimes had dinner together at his ex's house. I had no problem with it because I knew it was good for his daughter and for him, and I was not threatened by his ex.

In your situation, OP, what stands out to me is that you really have disdain for your boyfriend. You think he's weak, dumb, and easily manipulated. He prioritizes keeping his ex happy over keeping you happy. You are threatened by his ex and by him spending time with his child and the mother of his child.

These are all GIANT RED FLAGS. You can't change him or his trustworthiness.

It's not about whether this is appropriate. It can be healthy in many situations, but it sounds unhealthy in yours. But you can't control him. What do you envision doing, forbidding him to see his kid with the mother of his kid? How do you think that will work out?

[Anonymous]

Another thought: how would you feel if your toddler went with his dad on these trips? That way, your toddler has a relationship with his sibling, and it's clear to the ex that you and your child are not going anywhere. Opportunities for the children to bond would be good, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thought: how would you feel if your toddler went with his dad on these trips? That way, your toddler has a relationship with his sibling, and it's clear to the ex that you and your child are not going anywhere. Opportunities for the children to bond would be good, no?

OP here. He already made it clear that our child would not be attending outings with him, his older child, and the older child's mom. I also don't think it would be a good idea. The child's mother does not want me or my child around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contrary to what some PP's wrote, it can be healthy and really great for divorced/split co-parents to spend time with their child together. It's a win/win -- the parents get more time with the child, and the child doesn't have to halve him/herself and only ever enjoy a life experience with one parent at a time. My DH and his ex would go out to ice cream after SD's sports events together, would occasionally take her out to dinner together, and sometimes had dinner together at his ex's house. I had no problem with it because I knew it was good for his daughter and for him, and I was not threatened by his ex.

In your situation, OP, what stands out to me is that you really have disdain for your boyfriend. You think he's weak, dumb, and easily manipulated. He prioritizes keeping his ex happy over keeping you happy. You are threatened by his ex and by him spending time with his child and the mother of his child.

These are all GIANT RED FLAGS. You can't change him or his trustworthiness.

It's not about whether this is appropriate. It can be healthy in many situations, but it sounds unhealthy in yours. But you can't control him. What do you envision doing, forbidding him to see his kid with the mother of his kid? How do you think that will work out?

OP here and you make good points. I do think it could be healthy for a child to spend time with both parents, but I feel like it really only works if both parents are on the same page. If one parent is in another relationship and is solely interested in making the child happy, while the other parent is secretly just trying to get her ex back, it doesn't really work out. The child's mother's goal is to get her ex back so that she can have her happily ever after and her family. If her intentions weren't bad and if she had no ulterior motives, I would be fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's entirely normal for divorced parents to spend time together. My ex (whom I never married) and I have been doing this for over 10 years -- dinner together several nights a week, occasional weekend activities together, and definitely jointly attending school and sports events. The kids are not confused. They know we will never get back together. We made that clear when we separated. They appreciate not having to divide their time and seeing each of us more than 50% of the time.

When my ex gets re-married, I expect he will spend less time with all of us together, but I hope it doesn't end altogether, not because *I* want to spend time with him, but because they kids like to have both their parents at events and to be able to talk to both of us at the same time. We are able to get along and don't fight, so it's not really a problem. If the new girlfriend is a reasonable person, I would hope that all three of us could spend time together now and then and be courteous to each other.

For many people, modern divorce is quite different from the hostile 50/50, no contact of yesteryear.

Similarly, if I remarry, I would expect my new spouse or boyfriend to meet and get along with my ex and be open to having him visit and participate in holidays, events, etc. Anything else would be an absolute non-starter for me.

A significant other who is jealous of my ex, or who views time spent with my ex as some kind of judgment on my commitment to my new significant other, would clearly be someone who is not ready for a serious relationship with a partner who has prior family commitments. Previously existing family doesn't just end or fit into a neat box.

What's really a red flag is your relationship with your boyfriend, not his relationship with his ex.

Thanks for the input. So do you think that I should just be fine with it, because I trust my boyfriend? To be honest, I don't really think that he will cheat or anything like that. I just don't like that his child's mother has a motive to get him back and has clearly stated that she does not want me with him. She wants him with her and their son ALL the time. That's my issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they have a custody agreement? It sounds like they don't. They need one. That would spell out how much time he gets and how it is spent.

They do have a custody agreement. And they have a child support agreement. All through the courts. She expressed that she wants him to spend more time with the child, which is understandable. Just to me, it makes sense for the child to stay with us more often, not for him to go spend the time with her and the child.