Coparenting

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and have a toddler together. Prior to our relationship, he was with another woman and had a child with her as well. After he began his relationship with me, his ex got upset and did a lot of hurtful things to him (wouldn't let him see his child, tried to get him incarcerated, etc.) As of the past few years, he has been able to see his child more, but she is still stuck on their break up that happened years ago. The two of them do not talk often (only when they are exchanging the child) but when they do speak, it's always about me and how she doesn't like me and how she doesn't want him with me, etc. She said that she wants them to spend more time together with their child, but she has also said that she wants him back and essentially wants me and my child with him to disappear. He wants to spend more time with his child with her, so he brought up the idea that he would ask her if the two of them and their child could set up a weekly thing where they hang out, go grab something to eat, ice cream, chuck e cheese, things like that. I'm not sure how to feel about that. He says all the time that he doesn't want her and just wants his child to be able to spend time with both parents together. I was raised by both of my parents who are married, so I don't have experience in this area. Is it normal for two parents to hang out together with their child, when one of the parents is in a relationship/marriage? I feel uncomfortable about it, because she has a clear motive of trying to get him back. I'm not sure how I should feel. I want to make sure that everything is done in the best interest of the children, but I need some input.

[Anonymous]

Is there a formal custody arrangement? If not, he needs to get one. Then he can have structured time with his kid without having to give in to unreasonable demands from his ex just to get access to his kid.

[Anonymous]

I think that having your kid see both parents together is one of those things you have to give up when you split. For holidays or weddings or school performances where it makes sense both parents are there, then it is a different story. Things like weekly pizza night just aren't realistic, IMO. I see why you are worried, though. So far, his track record is 2 kids, 2 women and (it sounds like) no marriages. I'd wonder about his commitment to me also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a formal custody arrangement? If not, he needs to get one. Then he can have structured time with his kid without having to give in to unreasonable demands from his ex just to get access to his kid.

OP here. There is a formal custody arrangement, but she said she isn't opposed to him getting the child more often, and he obviously wants to get his child more often! He doesn't have to give in to unreasonable demands. He has a custody arrangement, child support, everything in order by the courts. I wish I could tell you why he's considering doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that having your kid see both parents together is one of those things you have to give up when you split. For holidays or weddings or school performances where it makes sense both parents are there, then it is a different story. Things like weekly pizza night just aren't realistic, IMO. I see why you are worried, though. So far, his track record is 2 kids, 2 women and (it sounds like) no marriages. I'd wonder about his commitment to me also.

OP here. Thank you - you took the words right out of my mouth. I explained to him that I felt that if you split, particularly if you have a new person in your life, you sort of give up the option of spending time together as a family. I mentioned sporting events, graduations, etc, of course you will be together to support the child. I don't think taking your child to the playground or to get ice cream is realistic, nor is it appropriate, especially when both parents aren't on the same page (i.e., the understanding that there is no relationship - they are just trying to be the best co-parents. She has clearly stated that she does not want him with me and wants him back). For some reason, he thinks that his child needs to see both parents together, hanging out and having fun, for the child to understand that they were born out of love.

I also agree that his track record isn't the greatest. For the record, we are young and made some pretty silly mistakes. He and I have both grown a lot and have learned and matured. She, not so much. Thanks for your input!

[Anonymous]

Its unnecessary for them to spend time together. They should parent their child amicably, without the need to spend time together.

[Anonymous]

Giving into her idea will only perpetuate the problem further. I say this as someone who still vacations with my ex for the sake of the child but there is a clear understanding that there is nothing between us romantically and never will be. The fact that she is using their child as a bargaining chip is a big red flag. She is hurt and that's understandable. I was there too. But he needs to make it clear to her that he is not her shoulder to cry on, but the child's father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Giving into her idea will only perpetuate the problem further. I say this as someone who still vacations with my ex for the sake of the child but there is a clear understanding that there is nothing between us romantically and never will be. The fact that she is using their child as a bargaining chip is a big red flag. She is hurt and that's understandable. I was there too. But he needs to make it clear to her that he is not her shoulder to cry on, but the child's father.

OP here. I completely understand why she is hurt. I would be hurt as well, the way things went down. I told him that giving into this will just make things worse, but he says I don't understand because I'm not in the situation. He thinks I'm being selfish/jealous by saying it's not a good idea, but I truly think that it will turn worse in the long run. If the both of them were on the same page and were over their past and understood their place as parents, like your situation, then I would be all for it. It's the fact that she clearly shows that she isn't over it, wants him back, and specifically stated that she does not want him with me. He says that I shouldn't worry because he would never cheat or do anything wrong, but I'm still not okay with it. Thanks for your input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its unnecessary for them to spend time together. They should parent their child amicably, without the need to spend time together.

Thank you for your input.

[Anonymous]

Why did you start two separate threads on this?

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/477626.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you start two separate threads on this?

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/477626.page

I had originally put it in the General Parenting section but realized it was the wrong forum, so I posted here. I thought Jeff deleted the other thread, since I didn't see it in General Parenting anymore, but it looks like he moved it. Sorry guys!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Giving into her idea will only perpetuate the problem further. I say this as someone who still vacations with my ex for the sake of the child but there is a clear understanding that there is nothing between us romantically and never will be. The fact that she is using their child as a bargaining chip is a big red flag. She is hurt and that's understandable. I was there too. But he needs to make it clear to her that he is not her shoulder to cry on, but the child's father.

OP here. I completely understand why she is hurt. I would be hurt as well, the way things went down. I told him that giving into this will just make things worse, but he says I don't understand because I'm not in the situation. He thinks I'm being selfish/jealous by saying it's not a good idea, but I truly think that it will turn worse in the long run. If the both of them were on the same page and were over their past and understood their place as parents, like your situation, then I would be all for it. It's the fact that she clearly shows that she isn't over it, wants him back, and specifically stated that she does not want him with me. He says that I shouldn't worry because he would never cheat or do anything wrong, but I'm still not okay with it. Thanks for your input.

I think they are both being selfish and ridiculous. This is not going to end well. I'm really sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Giving into her idea will only perpetuate the problem further. I say this as someone who still vacations with my ex for the sake of the child but there is a clear understanding that there is nothing between us romantically and never will be. The fact that she is using their child as a bargaining chip is a big red flag. She is hurt and that's understandable. I was there too. But he needs to make it clear to her that he is not her shoulder to cry on, but the child's father.

OP here. I completely understand why she is hurt. I would be hurt as well, the way things went down. I told him that giving into this will just make things worse, but he says I don't understand because I'm not in the situation. He thinks I'm being selfish/jealous by saying it's not a good idea, but I truly think that it will turn worse in the long run. If the both of them were on the same page and were over their past and understood their place as parents, like your situation, then I would be all for it. It's the fact that she clearly shows that she isn't over it, wants him back, and specifically stated that she does not want him with me. He says that I shouldn't worry because he would never cheat or do anything wrong, but I'm still not okay with it. Thanks for your input.

I think they are both being selfish and ridiculous. This is not going to end well. I'm really sorry.

Yes, this really sucks. Praying for the best. Thanks, PP.

[Anonymous]

You have reason to push (meaning you are not unreasonable). Realistically this is only going to create problems in your relationship. Just let it play out. He is either a man of character and will do the right thing, or he is not. If he going to cheat and get back together with her there really isn't anything you can say or do to stop it. I don't mean to sound negative at all. I'm just trying to point out that this is really out of your hands at this point,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have reason to push (meaning you are not unreasonable). Realistically this is only going to create problems in your relationship. Just let it play out. He is either a man of character and will do the right thing, or he is not. If he going to cheat and get back together with her there really isn't anything you can say or do to stop it. I don't mean to sound negative at all. I'm just trying to point out that this is really out of your hands at this point,

OP here. I love this. There really isn't anything I can do. I don't want to argue or be controlling about it. All I can do is give him my thoughts and let him make a decision. Based on the decision he makes, I will be able to judge how serious he is about our commitment to each other and our family. Thank you!