Jewish perspective: Can I refuse to do the chairs dance at my wedding? (Not Jewish, but fiancé is?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's concerning that your fiancé won't explain this to his mother. What is his reasoning for that? Hopefully he is not like the asshole PPs who are doubting the seriousness of your condition? And hopefully he is not planning on making you do the dirty work in dealing with his mom any time you two have to tell her something she won't like? Those would be some major red flags.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's concerning that your fiancé won't explain this to his mother. What is his reasoning for that? Hopefully he is not like the asshole PPs who are doubting the seriousness of your condition? And hopefully he is not planning on making you do the dirty work in dealing with his mom any time you two have to tell her something she won't like? Those would be some major red flags.

+1

It just sounds like they are negotiating the boundaries of an interfaith marriage. Mom probably feels some concern about her son marring a non-Jew and therefore wnats to hold onto as many Jewish traditions as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's concerning that your fiancé won't explain this to his mother. What is his reasoning for that? Hopefully he is not like the asshole PPs who are doubting the seriousness of your condition? And hopefully he is not planning on making you do the dirty work in dealing with his mom any time you two have to tell her something she won't like? Those would be some major red flags.

Not the OP, but ... my mother has epilepsy. My father wasn't told until after they were married. His father was VERY angry upon finding out, and I believe the term "damaged goods" was thrown out.

My MIL is bipolar and didn't tell me until after I had two kids. Nice! Since there is also a history of bipolar in my family and it's genetic, I was beyond pissed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's concerning that your fiancé won't explain this to his mother. What is his reasoning for that? Hopefully he is not like the asshole PPs who are doubting the seriousness of your condition? And hopefully he is not planning on making you do the dirty work in dealing with his mom any time you two have to tell her something she won't like? Those would be some major red flags.

Not the OP, but ... my mother has epilepsy. My father wasn't told until after they were married. His father was VERY angry upon finding out, and I believe the term "damaged goods" was thrown out.

My MIL is bipolar and didn't tell me until after I had two kids. Nice! Since there is also a history of bipolar in my family and it's genetic, I was beyond pissed.

There is bipolar in your own family and that did not change your choice to have kids.

If she had told you pre-kids, what would you have done differently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK I'll say it, and maybe I'm out of line. But are you absolutely sure in your heart of hearts that it would be medically dangerous to be lifted on a chair for 30 seconds, if you vetted the chair lifters in advance to make sure they are extra careful? I'm finding it a little hard to believe you have a genetic condition that is this disabling, yet able to be hidden from even your future in-laws. I don't care if you hora or don't hora, but this sounds a tiny bit like a power play between a controlling bride and her new in-laws. (Yes I get your doctor said not to do it, but I think it all depends on how you presented it to him and whether he felt you wanted him to say it.). Are you allowing any Jewish traditions at your wedding? Obviously it is important to DH that his family and culture are recognized, and that is no small thing. Being a bridezilla about stuff like this, especially when it comes to blending religions/cultures, can really start things off on a bad foot with your in-laws, which can have long-reaching consequences. If it's truly medically dangerous, obviously don't do it. But then why not just tell that to the in-laws rather than playing this coy game that will be interpreted as disregarding their traditions? I get the feeling you are only telling part of the story, OP.

this is appalling. a woman who does not care about being tossed around on a chair (and she has a medical condition that would make that dangerous) is now a controlling bride engaged in a power play with the in-laws? I thought two adults could decide what to do at their wedding without having to explaing anything to anybody. if anything, the ILs trying to stuff the hora thing down the throat of the bride are engaged in power-play. I do not have any medical condition but I would never do that, I like having my feet on the ground, and I do not feel, as an adult, that I need to explain it to anybody.

I agree with other posters who said that this issue goes well beyond the hora, the behavior of OP's fiance is outrageous. does not understand something that apparently is important for her, does not support her in front of his family, tries to force her to do something she does not want to do by blackmailing her that she should face his family and/or reveal personal details of her health to his family/guests. OP, if he does something like that before the wedding, I would be worried about how he is ging to behave after. at a minimum he sounds like a spineless guy, get some good counseling before you marry him

[Anonymous]

Why does your fiancé expect YOU to tell your MIL? Is he a mama's boy?

[Anonymous]

Of course the fiancé does not want to explain it, because he knows very well what his parents will think- if she can't do that, how is she going to do childbearing and child rearing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course the fiancé does not want to explain it, because he knows very well what his parents will think- if she can't do that, how is she going to do childbearing and child rearing?

Op here. Well, yeah, which is why I probably won't have kids. Though plenty people with this health issue do and can.

So a woman is not worth marrying if she can't rough house with kids? Can't people marry for the sake of companionship, not just to raise kids?

[Anonymous]

I wonder how they'll react when they learn you don't plan to have kids (for the record I totally think it's up to you and your husband, just wondering about your in-laws' expectations). I bet your dh will expect you to explain that too.

[Anonymous]

So a woman is not worth marrying if she can't rough house with kids?

I never roughhouse with my kid, I don't find it fun. We play other types of games together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course the fiancé does not want to explain it, because he knows very well what his parents will think- if she can't do that, how is she going to do childbearing and child rearing?

Op here. Well, yeah, which is why I probably won't have kids. Though plenty people with this health issue do and can.

So a woman is not worth marrying if she can't rough house with kids? Can't people marry for the sake of companionship, not just to raise kids?

OP do not open the door. Your health issues are not a topic of discussion on your wedding day! Neither is your desire not to have kids right now. You are not a farm breeding animal. Geez! If you let this be a topic of conversation at your wedding... just say no to the dance and give no explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course the fiancé does not want to explain it, because he knows very well what his parents will think- if she can't do that, how is she going to do childbearing and child rearing?

Op here. Well, yeah, which is why I probably won't have kids. Though plenty people with this health issue do and can.

So a woman is not worth marrying if she can't rough house with kids? Can't people marry for the sake of companionship, not just to raise kids?

I just explained a typical inlaws reasoning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's concerning that your fiancé won't explain this to his mother. What is his reasoning for that? Hopefully he is not like the asshole PPs who are doubting the seriousness of your condition? And hopefully he is not planning on making you do the dirty work in dealing with his mom any time you two have to tell her something she won't like? Those would be some major red flags.

Not the OP, but ... my mother has epilepsy. My father wasn't told until after they were married. His father was VERY angry upon finding out, and I believe the term "damaged goods" was thrown out.

My MIL is bipolar and didn't tell me until after I had two kids. Nice! Since there is also a history of bipolar in my family and it's genetic, I was beyond pissed.

There is bipolar in your own family and that did not change your choice to have kids.

If she had told you pre-kids, what would you have done differently?

I wouldn't have married this guy and had kids with him. Too risky to have it on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's concerning that your fiancé won't explain this to his mother. What is his reasoning for that? Hopefully he is not like the asshole PPs who are doubting the seriousness of your condition? And hopefully he is not planning on making you do the dirty work in dealing with his mom any time you two have to tell her something she won't like? Those would be some major red flags.

Not the OP, but ... my mother has epilepsy. My father wasn't told until after they were married. His father was VERY angry upon finding out, and I believe the term "damaged goods" was thrown out.

My MIL is bipolar and didn't tell me until after I had two kids. Nice! Since there is also a history of bipolar in my family and it's genetic, I was beyond pissed.

There is bipolar in your own family and that did not change your choice to have kids.

If she had told you pre-kids, what would you have done differently?

Then your DH - not your MIL - should have told you.

I wouldn't have married this guy and had kids with him. Too risky to have it on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's concerning that your fiancé won't explain this to his mother. What is his reasoning for that? Hopefully he is not like the asshole PPs who are doubting the seriousness of your condition? And hopefully he is not planning on making you do the dirty work in dealing with his mom any time you two have to tell her something she won't like? Those would be some major red flags.

+1

It just sounds like they are negotiating the boundaries of an interfaith marriage. Mom probably feels some concern about her son marring a non-Jew and therefore wnats to hold onto as many Jewish traditions as possible.

But wouldn't that be a reason for sharing the explanation? I can absolutely understand a mother being concerned if some of the beloved traditions of her family and heritage are left out of the wedding, because she'd worry that it's setting a pattern for the future. Will her son and daughter in law drift away from the family Seder and other traditions? Will her grandchildren grow up knowing about their culture and history?

On the other hand, if she knows that it's a specific safety concern, wouldn't that set her mind at ease that it's not a rejection of her culture?