Jewish perspective: Can I refuse to do the chairs dance at my wedding? (Not Jewish, but fiancé is?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the problem here is that your future DH does not have your back about this. He SHOULD be the one to explain to his family, and the groomsmen, that you can't do it for medical reasons. Why isn't he taking that on? Does he not believe you about your medical condition? Or does he have a problem standing up to his parents/family/friends?

+1

[Anonymous]

It is not at all insensitive of you to not be lifted in a chair. By the way, there is no such thing as a "chairs dance." The bride and groom are traditionally lifted in chairs during the Hora. The Hora is the name of the dance during which this typically happens.

[Anonymous]

OK I'll say it, and maybe I'm out of line. But are you absolutely sure in your heart of hearts that it would be medically dangerous to be lifted on a chair for 30 seconds, if you vetted the chair lifters in advance to make sure they are extra careful? I'm finding it a little hard to believe you have a genetic condition that is this disabling, yet able to be hidden from even your future in-laws. I don't care if you hora or don't hora, but this sounds a tiny bit like a power play between a controlling bride and her new in-laws. (Yes I get your doctor said not to do it, but I think it all depends on how you presented it to him and whether he felt you wanted him to say it.). Are you allowing any Jewish traditions at your wedding? Obviously it is important to DH that his family and culture are recognized, and that is no small thing. Being a bridezilla about stuff like this, especially when it comes to blending religions/cultures, can really start things off on a bad foot with your in-laws, which can have long-reaching consequences. If it's truly medically dangerous, obviously don't do it. But then why not just tell that to the in-laws rather than playing this coy game that will be interpreted as disregarding their traditions? I get the feeling you are only telling part of the story, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK I'll say it, and maybe I'm out of line. But are you absolutely sure in your heart of hearts that it would be medically dangerous to be lifted on a chair for 30 seconds, if you vetted the chair lifters in advance to make sure they are extra careful? I'm finding it a little hard to believe you have a genetic condition that is this disabling, yet able to be hidden from even your future in-laws. I don't care if you hora or don't hora, but this sounds a tiny bit like a power play between a controlling bride and her new in-laws. (Yes I get your doctor said not to do it, but I think it all depends on how you presented it to him and whether he felt you wanted him to say it.). Are you allowing any Jewish traditions at your wedding? Obviously it is important to DH that his family and culture are recognized, and that is no small thing. Being a bridezilla about stuff like this, especially when it comes to blending religions/cultures, can really start things off on a bad foot with your in-laws, which can have long-reaching consequences. If it's truly medically dangerous, obviously don't do it. But then why not just tell that to the in-laws rather than playing this coy game that will be interpreted as disregarding their traditions? I get the feeling you are only telling part of the story, OP.

Agree...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK I'll say it, and maybe I'm out of line. But are you absolutely sure in your heart of hearts that it would be medically dangerous to be lifted on a chair for 30 seconds, if you vetted the chair lifters in advance to make sure they are extra careful? I'm finding it a little hard to believe you have a genetic condition that is this disabling, yet able to be hidden from even your future in-laws. I don't care if you hora or don't hora, but this sounds a tiny bit like a power play between a controlling bride and her new in-laws. (Yes I get your doctor said not to do it, but I think it all depends on how you presented it to him and whether he felt you wanted him to say it.). Are you allowing any Jewish traditions at your wedding? Obviously it is important to DH that his family and culture are recognized, and that is no small thing. Being a bridezilla about stuff like this, especially when it comes to blending religions/cultures, can really start things off on a bad foot with your in-laws, which can have long-reaching consequences. If it's truly medically dangerous, obviously don't do it. But then why not just tell that to the in-laws rather than playing this coy game that will be interpreted as disregarding their traditions? I get the feeling you are only telling part of the story, OP.

Agree...

I also agree.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we are doing the glass, the huppah, having the parents walk us up the aisle, signing the contract before the ceremony, and having a rabbi. I think the hora looks fun. I wish I could do it, but I think it is a bad idea (I have to avoid contact sports, dancing, weight lifting, etc). I am afraid my in laws will have you rxn. I guess we will tell them about my medical condition.

And btw, tons of people have disabling conditions that are invisible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK I'll say it, and maybe I'm out of line. But are you absolutely sure in your heart of hearts that it would be medically dangerous to be lifted on a chair for 30 seconds, if you vetted the chair lifters in advance to make sure they are extra careful? I'm finding it a little hard to believe you have a genetic condition that is this disabling, yet able to be hidden from even your future in-laws. I don't care if you hora or don't hora, but this sounds a tiny bit like a power play between a controlling bride and her new in-laws. (Yes I get your doctor said not to do it, but I think it all depends on how you presented it to him and whether he felt you wanted him to say it.). Are you allowing any Jewish traditions at your wedding? Obviously it is important to DH that his family and culture are recognized, and that is no small thing. Being a bridezilla about stuff like this, especially when it comes to blending religions/cultures, can really start things off on a bad foot with your in-laws, which can have long-reaching consequences. If it's truly medically dangerous, obviously don't do it. But then why not just tell that to the in-laws rather than playing this coy game that will be interpreted as disregarding their traditions? I get the feeling you are only telling part of the story, OP.

Agree...

I also agree.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a medical condition that doesn't allow it. Case closed.

-Another Jew

Another Jew who agrees with this. Tell the band leader or DJ, tell the wedding planner if there is one, and if you can identify who would be doing the chair lifting, I'd pull them aside and let them know. I know that seems like telling a lot of people your personal business, but these are the people who can keep it from happening. DH needs to not go up in the chair.

[Anonymous]

From mayo clinic:

Lifestyle and home remedies
By Mayo Clinic staff
If you have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, it's important to prevent injuries and protect your skin and joints. Here are a few things you can do to safeguard yourself.

Avoid injury. Avoid contact sports, weightlifting and other activities that increase your risk of injury.
Reduce the clutter. To prevent falls and injuries at home, keep walkways and doorways clear of clutter. Avoid loose rugs and electric cords, which can increase your risk of tripping and falling.
Use mild soaps and sunscreen. To protect easily damaged skin and to guard against premature aging, use mild soaps and wear sunscreen when you're outside.
Coping and support
Prevention
Mayo Clinic products and services

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a medical condition that doesn't allow it. Case closed.

-Another Jew

Another Jew who agrees with this. Tell the band leader or DJ, tell the wedding planner if there is one, and if you can identify who would be doing the chair lifting, I'd pull them aside and let them know. I know that seems like telling a lot of people your personal business, but these are the people who can keep it from happening. DH needs to not go up in the chair.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

How far away is your wedding? Gain as much weight as you can until then. No one will want to lift you up if you get really big.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From mayo clinic:

Lifestyle and home remedies
By Mayo Clinic staff
If you have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, it's important to prevent injuries and protect your skin and joints. Here are a few things you can do to safeguard yourself.

Avoid injury. Avoid contact sports, weightlifting and other activities that increase your risk of injury.
Reduce the clutter. To prevent falls and injuries at home, keep walkways and doorways clear of clutter. Avoid loose rugs and electric cords, which can increase your risk of tripping and falling.
Use mild soaps and sunscreen. To protect easily damaged skin and to guard against premature aging, use mild soaps and wear sunscreen when you're outside.
Coping and support
Prevention
Mayo Clinic products and services

Just sit in a chair with a blanket over your lap for the whole ceremony. I would not be in a big rush to tell the in laws this either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, we are doing the glass, the huppah, having the parents walk us up the aisle, signing the contract before the ceremony, and having a rabbi. I think the hora looks fun. I wish I could do it, but I think it is a bad idea (I have to avoid contact sports, dancing, weight lifting, etc). I am afraid my in laws will have you rxn. I guess we will tell them about my medical condition.

And btw, tons of people have disabling conditions that are invisible.

I realize this is completely off-topic, but I'm curious to know whether you'll be bringing up your children as Jews. I'm just thinking, why bother with a Jewish wedding if your family won't be Jewish anyway?

[Anonymous]

I don't think we will have kids but if we did, I'd be okay with bringing them up Jewish (in a temple that would accept them if I don't convert).

I think it is nice to incorporate aspects of both of our upbringings into the ceremony. I don't see why he should drop aspects of his culture just because he is marrying me.

[Anonymous]

Just skip the band and have a reception without dancing