Why shouldn't I call the bully's parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: 13:58, you have no idea how many I have done that in my head.

If I were dd, I would have kicked this kid @ss a long time ago. dd is the opposite, she's non confrontational and believe ignoring is the best strategy.

13:31, I did not talk to the principal. I don't expect anything life changing will happen from talking to her either. Another boy is being bullied by the same girl the whole year. Other than calling the girl into her office to have a chat, I don't see anything changing.

Bullying is a serious issue and you should of course raise it with the principal if the teacher hasn't been able to handle it. It's not a matter of just giving them a talk. There should be follow up. Your DD should be involved. You need to start by finding out the protocol at your school. Is there a guidance teacher? You should insist on a follow up meeting with the principal, etc.

Try and think rationally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: 13:58, you have no idea how many I have done that in my head.

If I were dd, I would have kicked this kid @ss a long time ago. dd is the opposite, she's non confrontational and believe ignoring is the best strategy.

13:31, I did not talk to the principal. I don't expect anything life changing will happen from talking to her either. Another boy is being bullied by the same girl the whole year. Other than calling the girl into her office to have a chat, I don't see anything changing.

Bullying is a serious issue and you should of course raise it with the principal if the teacher hasn't been able to handle it. It's not a matter of just giving them a talk. There should be follow up. Your DD should be involved. You need to start by finding out the protocol at your school. Is there a guidance teacher? You should insist on a follow up meeting with the principal, etc.

Try and think rationally.

+1 and also to the PP who said to document IN WRITING and send letters to the principal and superintendent. Don't confront the kid, however well-meaning you are, if you don't already know the family. Jerky kids do often learn this behavior at home and you don't want some psycho mom approaching your DD. Keep the kids themselves out of it. And stay calm -- this is for your benefit and your child's.

If the girls are 8-9, then I'm assuming they have at least another year together. Don't wait on this. Be the squeaky wheel now, in hopes that it will be addressed and everything can cool down over the summer. Sure, this girl might move on to another target in the fall, but she might not. It doesn't matter what happened with the other bullied kid -- you need to take your own action on your child's behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since when did dealing with a bully become so complicated? Geez Louise.

You tell DD, show her if need be, to hit the bully in the face, one time, as hard as she can. The bully will leave her the fuck alone after that. Never fails.

This is a good strategy if your goal is to get your daughter suspended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since when did dealing with a bully become so complicated? Geez Louise.

You tell DD, show her if need be, to hit the bully in the face, one time, as hard as she can. The bully will leave her the fuck alone after that. Never fails.

This is a good strategy if your goal is to get your daughter suspended.

Not seeing the problem here.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you, an adult, directly confront the bully, a child, then the bully and bully's family have an incentive to state that you threatened the bully. You could easily be arrested. You could be barred from the premises. You could be required to switch schools (there are disruption-transfer clauses in every public school's regulations, and private schools can easily expel any child based on a "dangerous parent" finding completely at will, with no refund exposure). )False charges happen sometimes, and the bully's family might determine that filing a false charge against you is the only way they have of defending their DC. Please also carefully consider whether you would like strangers on a chat board to goad you into taking an action that can be mischaracterized and that you cannot undo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: 13:58, you have no idea how many I have done that in my head.

If I were dd, I would have kicked this kid @ss a long time ago. dd is the opposite, she's non confrontational and believe ignoring is the best strategy.

13:31, I did not talk to the principal. I don't expect anything life changing will happen from talking to her either. Another boy is being bullied by the same girl the whole year. Other than calling the girl into her office to have a chat, I don't see anything changing.

Bullying is a serious issue and you should of course raise it with the principal if the teacher hasn't been able to handle it. It's not a matter of just giving them a talk. There should be follow up. Your DD should be involved. You need to start by finding out the protocol at your school. Is there a guidance teacher? You should insist on a follow up meeting with the principal, etc.

Try and think rationally.

+1 and also to the PP who said to document IN WRITING and send letters to the principal and superintendent. Don't confront the kid, however well-meaning you are, if you don't already know the family. Jerky kids do often learn this behavior at home and you don't want some psycho mom approaching your DD. Keep the kids themselves out of it. And stay calm -- this is for your benefit and your child's.

If the girls are 8-9, then I'm assuming they have at least another year together. Don't wait on this. Be the squeaky wheel now, in hopes that it will be addressed and everything can cool down over the summer. Sure, this girl might move on to another target in the fall, but she might not. It doesn't matter what happened with the other bullied kid -- you need to take your own action on your child's behalf.

I agree with all of this, but at the same time, since you think this won't do anything, I suggest you get your dd, the other boy that's being bullied, and a few other friends together and come up with a buddy/friend system. Have a plan that when the bully starts in on your dd or the boy - that all the friends, gather around and tell the bully to back off. that she's being mean and they ALL won't stand for it. They need to have 4 or 5 people together and they need to stick up for each other. It's the only way the bully will back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Thank you 10:20 and 10:44.

The guidance counselor has one strategy, ignore. That's clearly not working.

Is it okay to call the bully out then? What if dd just asked the bully in front of the everyone why she's being so mean? I think the bully needs to be put on the spot and think about her actions.

Well, I grew up next to a trailer park so take my advice with a grain of salt, but if it were my kid I'd be advising her to loudly tell the bully to step the eff off or leave her the heck alone the next time it happened. I'd tell my kid she wouldn't be in trouble with me, even if she got in trouble at school, for standing up for herself verbally. If it's physical, I'd tell her to tell the bully that she can't hit first but if she gets hit (shoved/slapped/whatever) it's game on (and wouldn't punish her if it came to this, although most bullies do not want to actually engage in a conflict where they might come out on the "losing" side). We all know bullies only back down when you confront them, and I'll take a little bit of "bad" behavior from my own child to teach her that if you can't get away from a situation politely then you need to stand up for yourself and not worry about manners. Especially a daughter.

[Anonymous]

And this close to the school year, I honestly wouldn't be that worried about suspensions or whatever else. I am not interested in teaching a kid that the way to handle being served a shit sandwich is to keep smiling and hope they run out soon.

[Anonymous]

OP: Thanks again everyone.

I just met with the guidance counselor and she told me a couple of things:

- I am not the only one who complained about this bully.

- Her parents are aware

- The counselor did talk to this bully many times before about her behavior.

She also explained what she meant by ignoring the bully. She said dd can only control herself and not the bully. It's not worth spending our time and energy on the bully and giving them the attention.

I agree but as we all know, it's easier said than done.

In the end, the counselor said she will do something about it and also contact her parents again.

I think that's the best outcome I can hope for at this point.

[Anonymous]

OP FWIW,

I knew many bullies growing up and parents fit in tow categories:

1) they believe in corporal punishment (belts, soap, wood)

Or

2) they were emotional manipulative

Either way a phone call phone would result in nothing or physical harm of the bully. It's a vicious cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Thanks everyone.

dd is not on sports team and 11:34, I can't really see myself inviting this bully over to my house.

I am thinking I will go to the school and calmly ask the bully WHY? I want to know why she is being so mean.

OP, I would sue my school district so fast their heads would spin if they allowed a parent of another student to talk directly to my child without my knowledge and permission (which I wouldn't give). Then my lawyer would tell me I also had to sue the parents of the child my child was bullying for the lawsuit to have merit. So my kid bullied yours, you tried to stop it in a stupid way, and now I'm suing you. Things are not going well for you. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

I've dealt with parents like you, who are in denial about their kid's behavior and lash out if someone dares to mention their kid is flawed. you are not doing your kid any favors by threatening to sue people for the crime of dicplining your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP FWIW,

I knew many bullies growing up and parents fit in tow categories:

1) they believe in corporal punishment (belts, soap, wood)

Or

2) they were emotional manipulative

Either way a phone call phone would result in nothing or physical harm of the bully. It's a vicious cycle.

Go back to the guidance counselor. Set up a meeting with the counselor, the principal, and your child.

Tell the counselor that all legitimate professional advice suggests that ignoring is not an appropriate tactic. There is plenty of evidence and resources that support this.

make it very clear that your child is being threatened at school, It is effecting her ability to learn and feel safe. Tell them you want immediate action to ensure your child a safe environment were she is able to effectively learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you probably shouldn't call the parents because it's true that this behavior is most likely learned at home. Which means that the parents are likely to be defensive and lash out at you or get angry and lash out at their daughter. Either way, unless you have a relationship with them and absolutely know what goes on in their home I wouldn't start there. If the problems are at school, raise them with the teacher, ask what the teacher's plan will be, give it a week to work, and then bring it to the principal. If the problem persists, they will bring the parents into it.

It's close to the end of the school year, so if you only see this girl at school I would focus on your daughter. You and her teacher should agree on what you expect her to do when the other girl bothers her, communicate it to your daughter, and make sure she knows that this is what the teacher expects her to do. Then just work on it for now and let it be over the summer.

please...i hate advise like this...
The parents may likely NOT KNOW that the kid is being mean...sometimes get into modes when they do this...give the parents a chance to KNOW ABOUT IT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT..
At least you can say u put them on notice about it...
Geez..
Just practice your approach...."Hi...just wanted to give you a heads up about what's being going on between your doris and my susie...
susie has said that lately doris has been a bit aggressive with her and will not take no for an answer when susie asks her to stop...has doris mentioned anything about their interactions?
AND YES ASK THIS...CAUSE YOUR DD IS A KID AND THEIR ACCOUNTS ARE NOT PERFECT...PLUS IT SOUNDS LESS ACCUSATORY!
I just wanted to let you know, just like I would want to know -- and see if there is anything we can do to improve their interaction.
Let the folks respond....
Then end by saying thank you ...and as I said ...just wanted to give u a heads up.
Now if the behaviour continues...then keep pressing forward with whatever the school protocol is...
Otherwise...u have to act like an adult and deal with the other adults in the situation...
I would certainly want to know if my kid is being mean

[Anonymous]

I have intervened with bullying twice now with my own DS. The situations were very different from OP, and maybe I didn't handle it perfectly, but my son felt supported and the bullying stopped.

First time: 7 yo girl (my son's age at the time) on school bus making fun of my son. Driver had moved girl up to front, but that didn't take care of the problem. I got on the school bus at my son's stop and loudly said to the bus driver that if a certain girl did not stop picking on my son, I was going to knock on her door and talk to her mother. I did not approach the girl, but certainly looked in her direction. No more bullying after that.

Second time: last day of 5th grade (age 11). Another boy with a history of bullying behavior physically attacked my son, hitting him several times. I met with the principal and let the principal know that if it happened again, either within or outside of school, I was contacting the police. The principal communicated my statement to the parents. I am not a lawyer and do not know if contacting the police would have done anything ... but it let everyone know I wasn't going to just ignore the problem and wait for it to get better. Two years later, my son and this other kid continue to completely ignore each other despite attending the same school and riding the same school bus.

My son also takes martial arts and I have given him permission to respond physically to any physical attack. If he needs to protect himself, I, as his parent, will deal with the consequences and the school. He has had to do so once and the principal completely supported his actions as self-defense, although the principal acknowledged that it is a tough line to draw and the school system generally expects kids who know martial arts to show restraint, which my son did as he only grabbed the other kids' wrist and twisted while the kid was about to punch. The other kid though had the gall to complain that my son had hurt him!

Bullying is a tough issue and girls can be more difficult as their bullying behavior can be more psychological. I think you have to give your kids tools -- good one-liners, how to have a confident walk and gaze, surrounding self with circle of friends, and they need to feel supported by their parents and their school. 'Playing nice' and ignoring don't tend to work.