Why shouldn't I call the bully's parents?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
How old are these kids? |
Anonymous
| OP: 8-9 |
Anonymous
|
My DC was bullied at the beginning of the school year. I told a third mom about incident as I knew it would get back to bully mom. Also, I told this third mom that my DC would not come over when bully child was there. I told my DC to find other friends to avoid bully child. Does your DC/ bully child play on same sports teams etc? If so disengage, it takes power from the bully and makes bully look bad. You can say Suzie is going to play on town soccer league rather than school because Lynn is endlessly putting down DC. Guarantee Lynn is doing this to others but Suzie just happens to be her current target.
In my case a combination of telling other parents(not bully's), sending email to the school documenting incidents and having my DC avoid child have worked wonders. The bullying has stopped. I would not tell bully parents unless there is a specific reason. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Your goal is not to make their snowflake behave better-you can't and will probably just make the parents upset. Your goal is to protect your DC so unless there is a specific incident ie bully invites your child to her party to humiliate your DC, I would take the approach I laid out above. If DC did get invited to bully's party, I would respond something like my DC would feel uncomfortable going. If pressed I would keep it neutral I realize I am hearing only one side of the story and DC must treat your DC respectfully. Unfortunately, my DC has felt humiliated by specific actions of your DC and I feel the best thing to do is to keep them separate. If I am hearing only half a story and my DC is not being respectful, please let me know and I will address. On this case you are not asking the parent to do anything but you are letting them know where you stand. In the instance where bully makes something up about your child you can say it is best that they avoid each other. Will not work unless you are strong enough to take DC out of social situations. |
Anonymous
| Personally, when my child did something mean, I would have preferred that the other child's parents had called me to have a nice, calm discussion about it rather than complaining to the teacher, leaving me to try to figure out 3rd hand what happened and how the other child was effected and what to do about it. (The teacher isn't a good communicator or good at discipline, so I couldn't trust what she was saying or doing.) Now I have these parents giving me nasty looks when we could have just worked it our like mature grown-ups. |
Anonymous
|
How about inviting the whole family over to your place? Then talking directly to the kid yourself (in a nice, non-judgmental way)?
Chances are the parents might be fine. You could drop in a comment that you'd noticed there were some problems at school so thought it would be good if you all got to know each other better. And you can watch how the kids interact. Would your DD be on board for something like that? |
Anonymous
|
OP: Thanks everyone.
dd is not on sports team and 11:34, I can't really see myself inviting this bully over to my house. I am thinking I will go to the school and calmly ask the bully WHY? I want to know why she is being so mean. |
Anonymous
OP, I would sue my school district so fast their heads would spin if they allowed a parent of another student to talk directly to my child without my knowledge and permission (which I wouldn't give). Then my lawyer would tell me I also had to sue the parents of the child my child was bullying for the lawsuit to have merit. So my kid bullied yours, you tried to stop it in a stupid way, and now I'm suing you. Things are not going well for you. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. |
Anonymous
|
OP: 12:04, is your kid a bully?
Other parents talk to my kid all the time at school. I am not aware that they need my permission before talking to dd. |
Anonymous
Nope, my kid's not a bully at all, and I'd whip her into shape if she were one. I don't mind if you are helping in the classroom and in the course of that also help my child. I don't mind if you're dropping off your kids, see mine and say hi, or point out her backpack is unzipped or shoe is untied. But you are NOT going to march into the school, pull my child away from her class, her day, to interrogate her as to why she is behaving the way your child has told you she is. |
Anonymous
I'm curious about a couple of things. 1) Why did you leap immediately to litigation? I mean, why character defect do you have that would even lead you to consider such a thing, much less communicate such an intention? 2) Sue for what? What grounds? I suppose you could ask a judge for a restraining order (and be laughed out of the courtroom, I would suspect), but you can't sue a school because another parent directly addresses your child's behavior problem if it affects the parent's own child. So, I'm curious, what, exactly is your cause here? 3) Have you always been such an aggressive and nasty individual? Did you ever stop to consider the probability that your progeny are very likely reflecting that in their own interactions with others? After you've had a few moments to reflect on your really obnoxious comment, I'm sure we'll all welcome your contrition. Assuming you have the capability for self-reflection. |
Anonymous
|
OP: 12:31, calm down. I am not planning on dragging the bully away from the class and interrogate her as you called it.
I want to ask the bully why she's being mean if I see her in the hallway. Thanks lawyer mom for standing up for the bully and letting me know that's illegal. No wonder bullies water on water. |
Anonymous
|
As a parent, I would absolutely want to know from the other parent. I would want the other parent to be polite and speaking from concern for her child not raving threats or calling my child names. At our school there seems to be a problem in the 4th or 5th grade with girls in particular adopting social aggression bullying techniques. There seems to be a good deal of falling out among the parents probably from passive aggressive..let me tell 15 other people and hope it gets back to the parent with the bully child approaches.
You also need to come down very hard on the school. The principal sets the code of conduct and what level it is enforced at in their school. A principal that is effective can keep this out of the school. You don't need to expel a bully child to change behavior. |
Anonymous
OP: Thank you 12:37! |
Anonymous
|
11:24- I am 11:04 and I understand how you feel and if my DC was doing this I would want to know as well rather than hearing second hand. However, from responses from OP she doesn't know bully's family. It is a hard conversation to have even when you know the family very well and most likely it won’t go over well. I’m guessing this child has known issues. The other family could be volatile and tell the school that she is harassing them etc. I think there is too much risk from OP’s side and not enough upside. Telling the parent is unlikely to resolve this and it is not OP’s job. However, it is the school’s responsibility to keep her child safe. OP needs to document the incidents like a lawyer- matter of fact without emotion. She also needs to prepare her DC on how to handle potential incidents. The school can only do so much. If DC stays with other friends the power of the bully diminishes significantly. Does your school have more than one section per grade? Maybe request your DC to be put in a different class next year.
OP- Don't talk with bully child on school property. Very unlikely that you will be sued like 12:04 stated but if I were parent of bully child and my kid came home and told me another parent was addressing a school concern directly, I would be very upset and go to the administration. Then you lose creditability with me as a parent as well as the administration. You need the administration on your side. |
Anonymous
| because parents almost always get defensive. Most of them have the "not my child" mentality. I know my husband sometimes approaches the child directly when he gets the chance and tells the child in a not aggressive/loud tone, "be nice to my daughter (who is 8 and 11) or be gentle" in a stern/strict voice. It seems to help every time, in fact probably helps more than telling the parents. |