Empty nesters- What do you talk about with your spouse

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The same things we’ve talked about our whole relationship. Are you saying while you had kids at home you only talked about your kids and work?

OFC not. But kids were the focus. The activities, schools, friendships, playdates, sports, etc. etc. When that is gone, there is a LOT of space to fill. I have no idea how I filled that time before having a baby. It's just a blur.

Then you have them. And then it's just . . . . done. Some of us feel the grief of the loss. The confusion of what to do with our time. I know I'm struggling with that right now.

This response is a good reminder for young couples to nurture their relationship while they are in the early child raising years.

I mean, this is kind of a helpful response but also kind of smug. We do have hobbies and jobs. We have friends we hang with, separate and together. But the fact is, kids suck a lot of the time. A lot of the time. And when you have no family to help it's even more so the case.

NP: No one said it was easy. But a lot of couples make the fatal flaw of making their children the center of the family unit. The spousal relationship should be first and foremost. Children come second. People who make the family revolve around the children are the ones who end up divorced or strangers in an empty nest.

You can only do this if you have family nearby to watch the kids while you go on dates or if you can afford babysitters. Unfortunately, neither is the case with us.

Prioritizing spousal connection can happen after kids go to sleep, while they are at friends houses, taking an afternoon off together, trading childcare with friends etc. When you value your spousal relationship you find a way to make it work.

Your point gets lost in the dripping condescension and smugness. You don’t know peoples individual circumstances.

Maybe if you spent less time being rageful and more time working on your relationship you’d have something to talk about.

Maybe you should re-read the thread to see which one of us was the bigger b----. You also don't know what "rageful" means if you think that the PP was rageful. LOL. Not surprising by the tone and manner posts, though.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the poster who said GET A PUPPY. OMG we talk about it constantly and love it soooo much, it gives us places to go and things to do and we’ve also met more people (also dog owners) through puppy classes, dog parks, walking.

It will open up a whole new world.

[Anonymous]

We talk about our two dogs. We actually talk a great deal about the dogs’ pottys. Embarrassing, but we do. We also talk about his work a lot; I used to work there and know a lot of the people as well as the work.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We talk about all kinds of stuff.
I tell him about interesting things I read on DCUM. He tells me about funny memes he saw on Reddit.
He popped by while I was reading this thread and I mentioned the post by the mom who has little kids and no family nearby, which led to us talking about all the ways we found to find a few minutes of "alone time" while the kids were young. I reminded him of the one time he was trying to tell me something that had happened at work that day but the kids were boinging around underfoot and he finally said, "never mind, I'll tell you when the kids are grown and moved out of the house".

Now we finally have time to have uninterrupted conversations.

Today so far we have talked about the weather, the trash guys and whether or not they picked up the yard debris we had put out at the road before the storm came, our dentist, our kids, our pets, food, laundry. Lies our parents told us growing up, like "if you don't quit crying your face will freeze like that" . Who we have had the most fun playing cards against humanity with over the years. Whether or not to invite someone over this weekend to eat chinese food with us and who to invite and then I launched into my usual list of what all housecleaning needs to be done if we are going to have people over.

It's great these responses, like this one, show you care about your spouse and talk. But the inane nature of the conversations . . . make me sad for what's coming. And is forcing me to think about what the devil we talked about BEFORE having kids. I simply cannot remember what we did, talked about, etc. And we did a lot of stuff in the "kid years" that were not kid related. But they def take up a lot of space (by choice and which we loved).

I don't think these conversations are any more inane than the conversations younger people have. When we were young, we talked about the music we were listening to, the band we were going to see, the new movie coming out, the crazy relationship a friend was in, the funny thing that happened at work, whose turn it was to clean the bathroom, if we were saving enough money for the trip we wanted to take, whether we should move to a cheaper city, the books we were reading, what we would name our first child. It's not that different but some of the issues were weightier.

Life in general is just more boring when you are older. There are fewer big decisions to ponder. You probably go out less and you've been working with the same people for 10+ years and all your friends are in similar circumstances or you've talked them to death lol, so there is just less to talk about.

But living a comparatively boring life doesn't mean you feel bored. I don't. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that, at 58, I find that living a boring life punctuated by occasional bursts of fun/excitement (vacations e.g.) is pretty awesome.

This is pretty accurate. When young people visit or share their schedule with me now, it is utterly exhausting (ie, I am not jealous).

[Anonymous]

I don’t really think a puppy is the best idea. They need to poo/pee at 1am 4am 6am etc and they whine nonstop and pee on the floor. It’s pretty bad. Instead, plan a trip! That’ll give you lots to talk about. Maybe a trip to Brazil to see the rainforest or a safari in Africa or a trip to wherever intrigues you. It’ll also give you fun memories you can rehash for years to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are lucky to be married.

I am a single parent living through empty best (kid is not just in college, but grown and moved hours away).

It is very boring and quiet in my house. I do chores, and eat most meals alone. I have a few friends for taking walks. And sometimes eat out…but no one very close. No one to travel with, no one to support me during scary appointments.

It is worse than your “doom” OP.

This is no way to be living! Go on Meetup and find groups for activities for seniors. Host international college students in a spare bedroom. Book a cruise. Get the kid to zoom with you weekly if you can.

[Anonymous]

Both of us are avid readers, have hobbies, love to entertain, love to go on long drives, like to travel, cook, eat. We talk about every thing under the sun. Usually our kids, relatives, friends, neighbors etc. Also, we watch a lot of programs together. I love history, sociology, medicine, nature, environment, crime. He loves cars, sports, engineering, how things are made, economics, exercise, law, politics. We both learn from one another. He is really my soulmate and I am lucky to have him.

[Anonymous]

We know that the kids have not really flown away for good. They will be back with their kids, families, concerns. And we will be involved grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Nothing. She has turned into her family.

[Anonymous]

You guys need to get a life. It's sad your kids consumed so much of your life you don't even know how to make conversation anymore? Bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- we already have a dog, saved our conversations a couple years back.. now what?

We sometimes read the same book or listen to a podcast and talk about that. We talk about our plans post retirement, upcoming travel plans, current events, ……