Empty nesters- What do you talk about with your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once our nest was empty I assessed the situation with my husband and realized I did not want to live the rest of my life with him. We got divorced. Now we are friends and talk regularly in addition to zoom calls every few weeks with our adult kids. We find plenty to talk about now but it helps that it's not an everyday thing. We are both quite happy.

I could definitely see this happening with me/my husband. At this juncture, I think we are not romantic partners and we are not really friends per se (ie friends that want to hang out a bunch) .. . we are more like siblings. So there is a deep abiding bond after 18 years of marriage (mutual respect and affection) - we have each other's backs - but less and less in common/to talk about as years go by (other than our kid - who will graduate from high school in 2027). In the meantime, I dream of separate bedrooms/space . . . adjacent townhomes? HAHAHAHA!

[Anonymous]

so on a typical day:

- the dog and all of the dog's neighborhood friends and foes...
- our grown kids
- our garden
- our travel schedule since we are always going somewhere
- the concerts we are going to this summer
- the 2024 election nightmare
- local politics / the news
- what we are having for dinner and who is doing what
- our workouts
- our jobs
- whether or not to have happy hour

[Anonymous]

It changes day to day. Today we talked about finalizing a trip to Paris to see the French Open which has been on my husbands bucket list. Then we reviewed some ridiculous medical bills and discussed how to deal with them. We have guests arriving this afternoon so how to get ready and who does what. We had a contractor coming by so who could be here. We both play golf so we talked about the Masters and how upset my husband is that he has meetings on Saturday and Sunday and will miss most of it. I was out from 8:30 until 3 so no talking. Each of us is pretty busy with our own interests so we are not in each others face all the time which is nice. I’m a big talker and my husband isn’t so I mostly take my need to talk elsewhere. But he is a great listener and problem solver and he’s perfect for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a teenager, I waited tables in the local Friendly’s.

I could always tell the married couples, because they sat there and ate in silence.

DH and I have been married since 1982. We go out to eat about once a month, usually to the waffle house up the street.
Just because we are not talking constantly at the restaurant doesn't mean we aren't happy.

After we leave we will gossip about how the new cook doesn't make the hash browns as good as the other cook does, how wild it was that a woman stopped by to pick up a takeout order in her pajamas, and how glad we are that they no longer employ that one super flakey waitress. Then we will reminisce about all the other wild things we have seen at the waffle house over the years. And if we get to talking about the flakey waitress, then maybe we will talk about the TV show Mad About You and the flakey waitress they had on that show, which will lead to us getting on youtube and watching snippets of the show depicting the flakey waitress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are lucky to be married.

I am a single parent living through empty best (kid is not just in college, but grown and moved hours away).

It is very boring and quiet in my house. I do chores, and eat most meals alone. I have a few friends for taking walks. And sometimes eat out…but no one very close. No one to travel with, no one to support me during scary appointments.

It is worse than your “doom” OP.

It's not necessarily more lonely to be alone than to be in a silent marriage where you have completely drifted apart and basically can't have conversations anymore. It is depressing when you realize you can easily converse with others, have a fun restaurant meal etc with almost anyone else. It's just a different thing, not a "who has it worse" competition.

[Anonymous]

We talk abt the grown kids or work or sometimes play silly games like “which would be the worst hobby I could start in your opinion 1) obsessive composting, 2) cruising or 3) miniature horses.” Stuff like that.

It works for us-we are very happy together!

[Anonymous]

We talk about all kinds of stuff.
I tell him about interesting things I read on DCUM. He tells me about funny memes he saw on Reddit.
He popped by while I was reading this thread and I mentioned the post by the mom who has little kids and no family nearby, which led to us talking about all the ways we found to find a few minutes of "alone time" while the kids were young. I reminded him of the one time he was trying to tell me something that had happened at work that day but the kids were boinging around underfoot and he finally said, "never mind, I'll tell you when the kids are grown and moved out of the house".

Now we finally have time to have uninterrupted conversations.

Today so far we have talked about the weather, the trash guys and whether or not they picked up the yard debris we had put out at the road before the storm came, our dentist, our kids, our pets, food, laundry. Lies our parents told us growing up, like "if you don't quit crying your face will freeze like that" . Who we have had the most fun playing cards against humanity with over the years. Whether or not to invite someone over this weekend to eat chinese food with us and who to invite and then I launched into my usual list of what all housecleaning needs to be done if we are going to have people over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We talk about all kinds of stuff.
I tell him about interesting things I read on DCUM. He tells me about funny memes he saw on Reddit.
He popped by while I was reading this thread and I mentioned the post by the mom who has little kids and no family nearby, which led to us talking about all the ways we found to find a few minutes of "alone time" while the kids were young. I reminded him of the one time he was trying to tell me something that had happened at work that day but the kids were boinging around underfoot and he finally said, "never mind, I'll tell you when the kids are grown and moved out of the house".

Now we finally have time to have uninterrupted conversations.

Today so far we have talked about the weather, the trash guys and whether or not they picked up the yard debris we had put out at the road before the storm came, our dentist, our kids, our pets, food, laundry. Lies our parents told us growing up, like "if you don't quit crying your face will freeze like that" . Who we have had the most fun playing cards against humanity with over the years. Whether or not to invite someone over this weekend to eat chinese food with us and who to invite and then I launched into my usual list of what all housecleaning needs to be done if we are going to have people over.

It's great these responses, like this one, show you care about your spouse and talk. But the inane nature of the conversations . . . make me sad for what's coming. And is forcing me to think about what the devil we talked about BEFORE having kids. I simply cannot remember what we did, talked about, etc. And we did a lot of stuff in the "kid years" that were not kid related. But they def take up a lot of space (by choice and which we loved).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The same things we’ve talked about our whole relationship. Are you saying while you had kids at home you only talked about your kids and work?

OFC not. But kids were the focus. The activities, schools, friendships, playdates, sports, etc. etc. When that is gone, there is a LOT of space to fill. I have no idea how I filled that time before having a baby. It's just a blur.

Then you have them. And then it's just . . . . done. Some of us feel the grief of the loss. The confusion of what to do with our time. I know I'm struggling with that right now.

This response is a good reminder for young couples to nurture their relationship while they are in the early child raising years.

I mean, this is kind of a helpful response but also kind of smug. We do have hobbies and jobs. We have friends we hang with, separate and together. But the fact is, kids suck a lot of the time. A lot of the time. And when you have no family to help it's even more so the case.

NP: No one said it was easy. But a lot of couples make the fatal flaw of making their children the center of the family unit. The spousal relationship should be first and foremost. Children come second. People who make the family revolve around the children are the ones who end up divorced or strangers in an empty nest.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The same things we’ve talked about our whole relationship. Are you saying while you had kids at home you only talked about your kids and work?

OFC not. But kids were the focus. The activities, schools, friendships, playdates, sports, etc. etc. When that is gone, there is a LOT of space to fill. I have no idea how I filled that time before having a baby. It's just a blur.

Then you have them. And then it's just . . . . done. Some of us feel the grief of the loss. The confusion of what to do with our time. I know I'm struggling with that right now.

This response is a good reminder for young couples to nurture their relationship while they are in the early child raising years.

I mean, this is kind of a helpful response but also kind of smug. We do have hobbies and jobs. We have friends we hang with, separate and together. But the fact is, kids suck a lot of the time. A lot of the time. And when you have no family to help it's even more so the case.

NP: No one said it was easy. But a lot of couples make the fatal flaw of making their children the center of the family unit. The spousal relationship should be first and foremost. Children come second. People who make the family revolve around the children are the ones who end up divorced or strangers in an empty nest.

You can only do this if you have family nearby to watch the kids while you go on dates or if you can afford babysitters. Unfortunately, neither is the case with us.

Prioritizing spousal connection can happen after kids go to sleep, while they are at friends houses, taking an afternoon off together, trading childcare with friends etc. When you value your spousal relationship you find a way to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The same things we’ve talked about our whole relationship. Are you saying while you had kids at home you only talked about your kids and work?

OFC not. But kids were the focus. The activities, schools, friendships, playdates, sports, etc. etc. When that is gone, there is a LOT of space to fill. I have no idea how I filled that time before having a baby. It's just a blur.

Then you have them. And then it's just . . . . done. Some of us feel the grief of the loss. The confusion of what to do with our time. I know I'm struggling with that right now.

This response is a good reminder for young couples to nurture their relationship while they are in the early child raising years.

I mean, this is kind of a helpful response but also kind of smug. We do have hobbies and jobs. We have friends we hang with, separate and together. But the fact is, kids suck a lot of the time. A lot of the time. And when you have no family to help it's even more so the case.

NP: No one said it was easy. But a lot of couples make the fatal flaw of making their children the center of the family unit. The spousal relationship should be first and foremost. Children come second. People who make the family revolve around the children are the ones who end up divorced or strangers in an empty nest.

You can only do this if you have family nearby to watch the kids while you go on dates or if you can afford babysitters. Unfortunately, neither is the case with us.

Prioritizing spousal connection can happen after kids go to sleep, while they are at friends houses, taking an afternoon off together, trading childcare with friends etc. When you value your spousal relationship you find a way to make it work.

Your point gets lost in the dripping condescension and smugness. You don’t know peoples individual circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The same things we’ve talked about our whole relationship. Are you saying while you had kids at home you only talked about your kids and work?

OFC not. But kids were the focus. The activities, schools, friendships, playdates, sports, etc. etc. When that is gone, there is a LOT of space to fill. I have no idea how I filled that time before having a baby. It's just a blur.

Then you have them. And then it's just . . . . done. Some of us feel the grief of the loss. The confusion of what to do with our time. I know I'm struggling with that right now.

This response is a good reminder for young couples to nurture their relationship while they are in the early child raising years.

I mean, this is kind of a helpful response but also kind of smug. We do have hobbies and jobs. We have friends we hang with, separate and together. But the fact is, kids suck a lot of the time. A lot of the time. And when you have no family to help it's even more so the case.

NP: No one said it was easy. But a lot of couples make the fatal flaw of making their children the center of the family unit. The spousal relationship should be first and foremost. Children come second. People who make the family revolve around the children are the ones who end up divorced or strangers in an empty nest.

You can only do this if you have family nearby to watch the kids while you go on dates or if you can afford babysitters. Unfortunately, neither is the case with us.

Prioritizing spousal connection can happen after kids go to sleep, while they are at friends houses, taking an afternoon off together, trading childcare with friends etc. When you value your spousal relationship you find a way to make it work.

Your point gets lost in the dripping condescension and smugness. You don’t know peoples individual circumstances.

Maybe if you spent less time being rageful and more time working on your relationship you’d have something to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We talk about all kinds of stuff.
I tell him about interesting things I read on DCUM. He tells me about funny memes he saw on Reddit.
He popped by while I was reading this thread and I mentioned the post by the mom who has little kids and no family nearby, which led to us talking about all the ways we found to find a few minutes of "alone time" while the kids were young. I reminded him of the one time he was trying to tell me something that had happened at work that day but the kids were boinging around underfoot and he finally said, "never mind, I'll tell you when the kids are grown and moved out of the house".

Now we finally have time to have uninterrupted conversations.

Today so far we have talked about the weather, the trash guys and whether or not they picked up the yard debris we had put out at the road before the storm came, our dentist, our kids, our pets, food, laundry. Lies our parents told us growing up, like "if you don't quit crying your face will freeze like that" . Who we have had the most fun playing cards against humanity with over the years. Whether or not to invite someone over this weekend to eat chinese food with us and who to invite and then I launched into my usual list of what all housecleaning needs to be done if we are going to have people over.

It's great these responses, like this one, show you care about your spouse and talk. But the inane nature of the conversations . . . make me sad for what's coming. And is forcing me to think about what the devil we talked about BEFORE having kids. I simply cannot remember what we did, talked about, etc. And we did a lot of stuff in the "kid years" that were not kid related. But they def take up a lot of space (by choice and which we loved).

I don't think these conversations are any more inane than the conversations younger people have. When we were young, we talked about the music we were listening to, the band we were going to see, the new movie coming out, the crazy relationship a friend was in, the funny thing that happened at work, whose turn it was to clean the bathroom, if we were saving enough money for the trip we wanted to take, whether we should move to a cheaper city, the books we were reading, what we would name our first child. It's not that different but some of the issues were weightier.

Life in general is just more boring when you are older. There are fewer big decisions to ponder. You probably go out less and you've been working with the same people for 10+ years and all your friends are in similar circumstances or you've talked them to death lol, so there is just less to talk about.

But living a comparatively boring life doesn't mean you feel bored. I don't. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that, at 58, I find that living a boring life punctuated by occasional bursts of fun/excitement (vacations e.g.) is pretty awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The same things we’ve talked about our whole relationship. Are you saying while you had kids at home you only talked about your kids and work?

OFC not. But kids were the focus. The activities, schools, friendships, playdates, sports, etc. etc. When that is gone, there is a LOT of space to fill. I have no idea how I filled that time before having a baby. It's just a blur.

Then you have them. And then it's just . . . . done. Some of us feel the grief of the loss. The confusion of what to do with our time. I know I'm struggling with that right now.

I think that’s what you talk about then. It makes sense that if this is what you’re feeling it will be hard to talk about much else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The same things we’ve talked about our whole relationship. Are you saying while you had kids at home you only talked about your kids and work?

OFC not. But kids were the focus. The activities, schools, friendships, playdates, sports, etc. etc. When that is gone, there is a LOT of space to fill. I have no idea how I filled that time before having a baby. It's just a blur.

Then you have them. And then it's just . . . . done. Some of us feel the grief of the loss. The confusion of what to do with our time. I know I'm struggling with that right now.

This response is a good reminder for young couples to nurture their relationship while they are in the early child raising years.

I mean, this is kind of a helpful response but also kind of smug. We do have hobbies and jobs. We have friends we hang with, separate and together. But the fact is, kids suck a lot of the time. A lot of the time. And when you have no family to help it's even more so the case.

NP: No one said it was easy. But a lot of couples make the fatal flaw of making their children the center of the family unit. The spousal relationship should be first and foremost. Children come second. People who make the family revolve around the children are the ones who end up divorced or strangers in an empty nest.

Oh jeez, enough with the “shoulds,” people. There are many ways to live a life, and there’s no guarantee that any one path is going to lead to happiness. Let’s just be gentle with one another.