I Just Don't Care Much for My Sister

[Anonymous]

I just feel so down everytime I speak with my sister. She is older than me by two years. We lost our mother at a young age (I was 4). You'd think we would be very close, but we are not. She is just so tough and mean and, well, I am the opposite. I am very sensitive and easily hurt, hate arguing like she does and on and on. She just has a very tough shell. Does that make sense?

I find I go to my good girlfriends when I need help or emotional support, not my sister. She just makes me feel worse.

It bums me out. Am I the only one out there who really doesn't care much for their sister and goes to friends instead?

After talking with her, I can feel so alone.

Just wanted to vent. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

I think its common. I know that I am not close to my sisters. Honestly you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. I found that I have always gone to my friends for help or emotional support. They really have not been there for me at all. But I don't expect it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she had to develop the toughness to deal with your mother's death? There is nothing that requires you to be friends with your sister. I think it is perfectly fine to lean on friends, instead.

[Anonymous]

Being siblings doesn't make you friends by default. You are your own people and you have to build & maintain relationship (if you want one). It's not easy with some siblings, you can look on here and see all of the bad relationships.

[Anonymous]

I am your sister, except we lost our dad (I was 6, my sister was 3). I was a very angry kid, had a lot of therapy, and went through the grieving process as a kid. As a result, as an adult, I feel like I dealt with my loss in a healthy way and was able to move forward with my life. However, I am also a naturally shy, introverted, "cooler" person that my sister. I am also a very happy adult. I have a successful career, a very good marriage, and children I adore. I have always followed the expected path (graduate degree, husband, mortgage, etc.).

My sister is passionate, hot-blooded, and very sensitive. She has had a hard time adjusting to adulthood and has yet to find a career she feels passionate enough about to stay in for more than a year. Becuase she was so young when my father died, she does not remember him and never went through a grieving process. As a result, as an adult, she constantly feels the loss and is actively jealous of both my memories of our father and my ability to be "over" his death. She also has a very difficult time forming relationships, and often seeks out much older men for romantic relationships.

l admit that much of the way I dealt with the loss when we were kids was to shut my sister out - I was so busy dealing with my experience and my grief that I was not there for her/as supportive of her as she would like. As PP said, I developed a toughness to deal with the loss. She says that I was a terrible sister and that she feels like no one loves her. All of this would of course be different, according to her, if our father were still alive.

So, long story short - the love I feel for my sister is incredibly strong, but I don't like her much. I am especially sick of her wishing I was someone different and complaining that I am "tough and mean." I cannot change who I am or what happened to us any more than she can. We don't have much of a relationship, which I find very sad.

So, OP. I really, truly feel for you. My heart goes out to the little girl who lost her mother and the adult who is having a hard time feeling loved by her sister. Please make sure that you are seeking professional therapy* and try to see things from your sister's perspective before you blow her off.

*I have often heard from professionals who work with children that one of the very worst things that can happen to a child is to lose a parent before the child is old enough to have memories of the parent - because the child is then not old enough/doesn't have the tools to go through the grieving process. These children have tremendous difficulty processing their loss, which creates emotional issues that follow them into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Did you both get therapy after losing your mother?

It sounds like her personality developed throughout childhood in a state where she was protective and defensive as a way of coping and of grieving the loss. Tough helps to keep you from being hurt again.

That is why therapy for kids who have experienced any kind of trauma is so important. They might seem fine on the outside but their growth and development is being impacted by their psychological response to the events.

[Anonymous]

HI, I am the OP. We lost our mom in the 1960s. Showing my age I guess. Nope, didn't receive therapy then. IN fact, we only have gotten therapy as adults. I'd say that we definitely didn't know how to handle the loss as kids and did carry it into adulthood.
I don't think people were that on top of therapy for kids in the 1960s. We have both received therapy as adults.


My father was a wreck back then, basically. I do agree that my sister developed a hard outer shell as protection against the upheaval in our lives. We are both productive though and I haven't had a hard time adjusting to adulthood, as mentioned by the prevous poster. I've held the same job for years, have a graduate degree, mortgage and married a very stable, good man. I also have a daughter.


I have never told off my sister when she puts me down because I realize how important 'family' is. I just let her shoot her missiles at me and then get off the phone feeling awful and feeling sad that this is someone I cannot go to in times of hurt or conflict. She just isn't there.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Hi. OP again. I forgot to add that my daughter is an only child. I had her later in life and really couldn't have another. One child works for us. When I hear people talk about how they couldn't live without the support of their siblings, I have to say I cannot relate. Due to my relationship with my sister, I don't think being an only child is such an awful thing and I do tell myself that when I think about my daughter's single child status.

My sister never let me play with her, would yell at me to get away form her and her friends, and just wasn't much of a loving sibling to me growing up...even as kids.

THanks again!

[Anonymous]

My brother and I aren't super close - I don't like the way he chooses to live his life sometimes - but then I think about it. It's HIS life and not my problem. I love him - he's my brother and one day he won't be here anymore...so I love him for being my brother and knowing that he loves me the best that he can.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you too. I don't get along with my sister either. I try to keep my expectations of her low. If I share anything personal with her, I run the risk that she will one day use it against me when she is in a foul mood, as she has done in the past. So I censor myself when I talk with her. I am more open with my close friends. It makes me sad but, to quote The Who, I won't get fooled again.

[Anonymous]

I came from a very dysfunctional, abusive family and so I'm one of those who say you get to choose who your family is when you're an adult. You may be conditioned to love someone because you're born into the same family but that was only because you were too young to have a choice. When you're an adult, you get to choose who you are and who you want in your family. If your sister is abusive to you in any way, call her out on it. Give her a chance to change her behavior. If she chooses to continue to 'shoot missiles' at you, you can choose not to subject yourself to them. I think having a single child is absolutely fine. I have three but could have been just as happy with one. In fact, sometimes I envy people who have just one child. You can do so much more. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of what your idea of a sister was. It's not what you have and it's very disappointing when what you want isn't your reality. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

HI. I am the OP. Thank you for all of the responses. Also to the PP - I do like your comments about having a chance to "choose your family" once you reach adulthood.

Since we do have such a small family, I am often reluctant to call her on mean, harsh comments. I just figure I will alienate her more and then my daughter won't see her cousins (My sister's kids). So I just take the abuse. Usually, I just stay away from her and don't communicate for awhile.

Thank you for affirming my decision to only have one child. I see moms like you with three kids and I think how lucky you are. I would have loved another child like the one I have. As we all know, there is no guarantee that siblings will be close though. Yes, you CAN do alot with one child. My daugher has a wonderful life full of nice vacations, lots of fun extracurriculars, piano lessons, sports, friends, a dog coming soon, and lots of love. We were older when we had her so we have more money to spend on her. No sister to beat up on her though.

THANK YOU!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HI. I am the OP. Thank you for all of the responses. Also to the PP - I do like your comments about having a chance to "choose your family" once you reach adulthood.

Since we do have such a small family, I am often reluctant to call her on mean, harsh comments. I just figure I will alienate her more and then my daughter won't see her cousins (My sister's kids). So I just take the abuse. Usually, I just stay away from her and don't communicate for awhile.

Thank you for affirming my decision to only have one child. I see moms like you with three kids and I think how lucky you are. I would have loved another child like the one I have. As we all know, there is no guarantee that siblings will be close though. Yes, you CAN do alot with one child. My daugher has a wonderful life full of nice vacations, lots of fun extracurriculars, piano lessons, sports, friends, a dog coming soon, and lots of love. We were older when we had her so we have more money to spend on her. No sister to beat up on her though.

THANK YOU!

OP, just a thought. Do you have other family that you can turn to, in the place of your sister? For example, I'm finding that as I get older, my cousins mean more to me than ever. They aren't a substitute for a loving relationship with a sibling, but at least they are people who may have grown up with you and can share family history and memories.

[Anonymous]

HI. Yes, I do correspond with several cousins. Not day to day, but we seem to have good relationships. My husband also, as I mentioned, is a peach. Very good man and I go to him when she hurts me. We talk about developing a way to let this kind of stuff "roll of our backs" more easily. That is a learned skill too, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just feel so down everytime I speak with my sister. She is older than me by two years. We lost our mother at a young age (I was 4). You'd think we would be very close, but we are not. She is just so tough and mean and, well, I am the opposite. I am very sensitive and easily hurt, hate arguing like she does and on and on. She just has a very tough shell. Does that make sense?

I find I go to my good girlfriends when I need help or emotional support, not my sister. She just makes me feel worse.

It bums me out. Am I the only one out there who really doesn't care much for their sister and goes to friends instead?

After talking with her, I can feel so alone.

Just wanted to vent. Thank you!

My DSis and I are the exact opposite. She is "sensative" and cries at the drop of a hat. I am the one with the tough shell, pragmatic, resilient and intolerant of self-pity and bullshit. Because Dsis is so emotionally volatile, everyone in the family (besides me) bends over backwards to keep her happy and avoid "hurting" her. It makes me want to vomit. Every minor inconvenience to her is a personal affront to be remembered for YEARS. Every time she is asked to give a little, we are all just trying to "douse her light". Really?

When she is in one of her states, I listen quietly and don't say much because what I'm thinking is "STFU and put on some big girl panties" so I keep my mouth shut. I have had a tough time and have needed some support, her response is to compare how tough her life is with mine (from the pool side no less) and to tell me that when "you pick up one end of the stick, you pick up the other" Nice.

So maybe, take 5 seconds and look at yourself through your sister's eyes. You might be surprised what you see.