I Just Don't Care Much for My Sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just feel so down everytime I speak with my sister. She is older than me by two years. We lost our mother at a young age (I was 4). You'd think we would be very close, but we are not. She is just so tough and mean and, well, I am the opposite. I am very sensitive and easily hurt, hate arguing like she does and on and on. She just has a very tough shell. Does that make sense?

I find I go to my good girlfriends when I need help or emotional support, not my sister. She just makes me feel worse.

It bums me out. Am I the only one out there who really doesn't care much for their sister and goes to friends instead?

After talking with her, I can feel so alone.

Just wanted to vent. Thank you!

My DSis and I are the exact opposite. She is "sensative" and cries at the drop of a hat. I am the one with the tough shell, pragmatic, resilient and intolerant of self-pity and bullshit. Because Dsis is so emotionally volatile, everyone in the family (besides me) bends over backwards to keep her happy and avoid "hurting" her. It makes me want to vomit. Every minor inconvenience to her is a personal affront to be remembered for YEARS. Every time she is asked to give a little, we are all just trying to "douse her light". Really?

When she is in one of her states, I listen quietly and don't say much because what I'm thinking is "STFU and put on some big girl panties" so I keep my mouth shut. I have had a tough time and have needed some support, her response is to compare how tough her life is with mine (from the pool side no less) and to tell me that when "you pick up one end of the stick, you pick up the other" Nice.

So maybe, take 5 seconds and look at yourself through your sister's eyes. You might be surprised what you see.

You sound awful. Glad you aren't in my family.

[Anonymous]

I hate my dumb sister. I hate how stupid she is I hate myself i hate evryone. i don't care what my sister does. HELL if I care!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

i love it when all the bi..tchy sisters with their 'tough shells' etc etc come out of the woodwork on these posts and act like they are the victim.

sorry. other people have hard times etc etc and are not mean to others. i don't buy the 'tough shell' stuff. others have problems and still manage to be nice.

people don't call out these sisters, b/c they are such a pain to deal with. the low maintenance ones just sigh...

[Anonymous]

Family doesn't need to be your first go to when you're looking for emotional support - that doesn't mean you have a bad relationship with your family either. Being able to say the right thing in the moment is an uncommon trait. I'm not that great at it myself, but for some people, I'm the right person to talk to, and for others, less so. That's fine.

I don't think you should give too much weight to the fact that your sister isn't your first go to. Sounds like you're able to enjoy get togethers for the cousins to be close and that's better than a lot of people can say about family days.

[Anonymous]

Sister relationships are so complicated. I have two younger sisters, and I'm in therapy now to deal with their bullying of me (I'm the oldest). I just got back from my middle sister's wedding, and I really don't know why I spent the money to attend. I did have a relative comment on the fact that they are awful to me, which, for once made me feel like someone finally understood.

I'm just glad it's over, and that they live far away. It makes me sad that we can't get along but the emotional hangover that lingers after I see them is often a lot to bear.

[Anonymous]

I love my sister. In small doses.

[Anonymous]

I care very much for my sister. We're not best friends or anything, but I like and respect her as a person.

My brother on the other hand is a manipulative, angry sociopath. Nothing is lost by not having him in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HI. I am the OP. Thank you for all of the responses. Also to the PP - I do like your comments about having a chance to "choose your family" once you reach adulthood.

Since we do have such a small family, I am often reluctant to call her on mean, harsh comments. I just figure I will alienate her more and then my daughter won't see her cousins (My sister's kids). So I just take the abuse. Usually, I just stay away from her and don't communicate for awhile.

Thank you for affirming my decision to only have one child. I see moms like you with three kids and I think how lucky you are. I would have loved another child like the one I have. As we all know, there is no guarantee that siblings will be close though. Yes, you CAN do alot with one child. My daugher has a wonderful life full of nice vacations, lots of fun extracurriculars, piano lessons, sports, friends, a dog coming soon, and lots of love. We were older when we had her so we have more money to spend on her. No sister to beat up on her though.

THANK YOU!

OP, just a thought. Do you have other family that you can turn to, in the place of your sister? For example, I'm finding that as I get older, my cousins mean more to me than ever. They aren't a substitute for a loving relationship with a sibling, but at least they are people who may have grown up with you and can share family history and memories.

+1 Me too. My sisters are wrecks, and my mother is no help.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am much closer to some of my friends than to my sister. I love her and all, but we are not close, in part, due to a large age difference. She is very focused on herself and during a rare phone call to me some years ago, spent 30 minutes talking about her wonderful kids, her wonderful house, and her wonderful job...and never asked about my three sweet kids or my job. It's all about her. I'd much rather spend my time and energy with people whom I feel really care about me.

[Anonymous]

I talk to my sister maybe 2x per year. She'll call me on her bday/send a stupid 1800flowers thoughtless type gift/from some generic online retailer and vice versa - I got her an amazon gift card this year. Even this can be too much sometimes....I'm thinking it would be better to completely act like the other didnt exist going forward, to choose our own histories. why ruin birthdays with rage/anger/frustration. sisters are huge bitches.

[Anonymous]

I don't care for my sister much at all either. She is a good wife and loving mother but our personalities are soooo different. We don't talk much either but she is crazy about my kid so never get in the way of that relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HI. I am the OP. Thank you for all of the responses. Also to the PP - I do like your comments about having a chance to "choose your family" once you reach adulthood.

Since we do have such a small family, I am often reluctant to call her on mean, harsh comments. I just figure I will alienate her more and then my daughter won't see her cousins (My sister's kids). So I just take the abuse. Usually, I just stay away from her and don't communicate for awhile.

Thank you for affirming my decision to only have one child. I see moms like you with three kids and I think how lucky you are. I would have loved another child like the one I have. As we all know, there is no guarantee that siblings will be close though. Yes, you CAN do alot with one child. My daugher has a wonderful life full of nice vacations, lots of fun extracurriculars, piano lessons, sports, friends, a dog coming soon, and lots of love. We were older when we had her so we have more money to spend on her. No sister to beat up on her though.

THANK YOU!

NP, OP I know you've already described yourself as quieter and sensitive, so what I'm about to say may be really hard for you to do, but after reading this thread I don't see what other options you have: you need to sit your sister down, tell her you love her, you've always loved her, and you will always love her, but when she puts you down it hurts you deeply and you're getting ot the point where you can't really deal with it any more. You don't want to cut down on communication with her, and you'd hate to lose your relationship with her, but it's not fair that she is constantly putting you down and because you are sisters, you need her to stop.

See what her reaction is. She may not realize that's how you feel, even though it seems so obvious to you. Or, she may know perfectly well how you feel but she may not realize how it's impacting you. Who knows, but the thing is you are an adult and you shouldn't be allowing yourself to be beaten on (even if verbally or emotionally) without trying to resolve it. Your sister's reaction has to be owned by your sister, you can't control it and it's not going to be "your fault", you would just be telling her how her actions affect you and that you're getting to the point where it hurts too much.

Do you think you can do that? Do you see the value in trying? You really never know, it could really be a game changer. In my experience (more so as someone who works with dysfunctional families but in my personal experience too) I am still, after more than a decade of this work, amazed and astounded by the power of sincere, kind, couched-in-"I truly do love you and I don't want to lose you"-language, an honest statement about cause and effect and negative consequences can be. A conversation that starts out as "I really really do love you, we've been through so much as sisters, even if we went through it in different ways. You're the only family I have, and I would never want to lose you. But the way you've been treating me forever has hurt me deeply. Maybe you are treating me like this because of how hurt you are/were, but I need you to know how it affects me today and that I feel like I can't take your criticism and put downs anymore. It's too much, it's not fair, and I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to lose you but I need you to not be so mean."

That is an *entirely* different conversation from something like "What is wrong with you??? Why are you always so mean??? Stop being so mean! Or I'm out!"

So many people see being honest as = confrontation or being mean or too risky. But if you don't tell your loved ones what you need from them, you deny them the opportunity to step up to the bar, to consider your view and see if it changes anything for them. Sometimes it changes nothing; sometimes it makes things worse. Then you need to adjust and do what you need to to protect yourself, knowing that you did the right thing by being honest and explaining how you felt. But so so so much of the time... it leads to positive change. It's a turning point.

I hope you'll be able to tell her how you feel, based in how you don't want to lose her. But you're an adult, you're a mom, you also have to be ready for it to not go well, and if she does shut down, just check in with her once in awhile, tell her you still love her and hope you guys can find your way back to a relationship but one where neither of you is mean to the other or lashes out at the other. Hold onto that boundary, because it's a healthy boundary and would serve both of you well.

That's my .32 cents... Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I talk to my sister maybe 2x per year. She'll call me on her bday/send a stupid 1800flowers thoughtless type gift/from some generic online retailer and vice versa - I got her an amazon gift card this year. Even this can be too much sometimes....I'm thinking it would be better to completely act like the other didnt exist going forward, to choose our own histories. why ruin birthdays with rage/anger/frustration. sisters are huge bitches.

What is wrong with acknowledging your birthday with flowers and what about receiving them from 1800Flowers makes that "thoughtless?"

I think you need to do some work on yourself here, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I talk to my sister maybe 2x per year. She'll call me on her bday/send a stupid 1800flowers thoughtless type gift/from some generic online retailer and vice versa - I got her an amazon gift card this year. Even this can be too much sometimes....I'm thinking it would be better to completely act like the other didnt exist going forward, to choose our own histories. why ruin birthdays with rage/anger/frustration. sisters are huge bitches.

What is wrong with acknowledging your birthday with flowers and what about receiving them from 1800Flowers makes that "thoughtless?"

I think you need to do some work on yourself here, PP.

DH sent me flowers via the 1800 company when we were living in different cities. What's so thoughtless about it? I thought it was awesome and I'm really not an easy person to get presents for.

My siblings and I don't do gifts except for Christmas. I think the fact that your sister sends you anything shows thought.

[Anonymous]

I don't respect my sister. She is a flake, immature, selfish, volatile and holds grudges from decades ago about things people never knew she was upset about.