Jewish perspective: Can I refuse to do the chairs dance at my wedding? (Not Jewish, but fiancé is?)

[Anonymous]

I am not Jewish but am marrying someone who is.

I would totally be into the traditional dancing, chairs etc except for the fact that I have a health condition (genetic condition) that makes it very easy for me to get injured. My doctor, who is Jewish, and I both think it would be a very bad idea for me to get bounced up and down in the chairs.

My fiancé is disappointed, but sort of understands. He doesn't think his family is going to be ok with skipping it though. He thinks we should hold the dance and he and parents will go up in chairs but I will not participate. I fear this will be hard to control, and I don't think I should have to explain to every guest at the party why I can't participate. I could see drunk well meaning clueless people forcing me onto the chair. I don't want to spend my wedding day being worried about being injured.

Is it really insensitive of me to insist of not having the dance? How should I manage this?

[Anonymous]

It is sort of defacto once the hora starts. It's an all or nothing deal. If you don't want the chairs, either your going to have to say No as people are insisting you go up or tell the band/DJ, not to play the hora under any circumstance even when grandma requests it.

[Anonymous]

Agree nobody should do it if you're not going to -- it will look weird. But if it's a health matter, of course you should not do it. Nobody will notice if nobody does it.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't his family understand why you can't get up in the chairs? I'm Jewish and I wouldn't do it if I had a medical problem with it. I would put the word out to the groomsmen who are the ones usually putting people up in chairs. Let them do his parents and your parents even. Just dance the hora in the middle with your husband.

My rabbi sometimes advocates breaking out of the shtetl and making our own traditions. I think you should tell your fiance that this is causing way more stress than its worth and to tell his parents to stand down. It really shouldn't be that big a deal.

[Anonymous]

I am Jewish, my DH is not, and we had a Jewish wedding. I told him upfront that we weren't going to do the chair dance at our wedding because it's a tradition I don't care for, especially after having been through it at my Bat Mitzvah. He was mildly disappointed because he always thought that it looked like fun, but understood that I had no desire to be bounced around in a chair (plus he gets motion sick pretty easily so I think he was secretly relieved). We covered all the other "Jewish bases" in our wedding and reception and nobody seemed to notice or care that we didn't get up on chairs.

I also think that out of deference to your medical condition, your DH should be willing to skip the whole thing. You should let DH know that it's gonna look awfully strange for DH and his parents to be hoisted on chairs while you're still on the ground. If they do it without you, people will notice your absence. If they skip it completely, nobody will notice or say anything.

FWIW, we're still totally Jewish married even without being tossed around on chairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is sort of defacto once the hora starts. It's an all or nothing deal. If you don't want the chairs, either your going to have to say No as people are insisting you go up or tell the band/DJ, not to play the hora under any circumstance even when grandma requests it.

It depends on the wedding. The ones I have been to they are extremely careful. The chair goes up, it comes down, the bride shakes out her dress and that is that. Many brides are not so crazy about just anyone shaking them around on their wedding day and the person holding the chair is very careful.

[Anonymous]

No Jewish inlaws would have an issue with not doing it for a health issue. Tell them that your Jewish doctor suggested it.

Signed,
A jew

[Anonymous]

You need to tell the in-laws that it's a health risk and you're not doing it. Then you need to tell a few other key people that that word can spread at the wedding and there will be enough people to be your advocates if need be on the day of the wedding. Then just don't do it. If the in-laws prove difficult in understanding this (and that would suck) you'll just need to tell more advocates to stick up for you on your wedding day so that you don't have to worry about it and your friends/family can handle the fallout for you.

[Anonymous]

What does this have to do with being jewish? OP, don't let that get in the way of the issue. There is a wedding tradition that you do not want to do, end of story. Some people don't do the garter or bouquet or dance with dad. Don't ethnicize this.

And yes, I am jewish.

[Anonymous]

You have a medical condition that doesn't allow it. Case closed.

-Another Jew

[Anonymous]

not a Jew and not sure of how the dance works, so this might be unhelpful. But typing it just in case...

Couldn't you pick four guys in advance and these be your chair-bearers and they are committed to being totally sober and gentle and protective?

Shoot. It sounds fun.

[Anonymous]

I love the Hora! My favorite part of the wedding (had a blast at my own) - however, this just sounds like crazy risk. If you really can get hurt I would suggest not having the Hora at all (however, at a Jewish wedding, people WILL be expecting it).

So, can you get hurt just walking around? What illness is this?

[Anonymous]

OP, the problem here is that your future DH does not have your back about this. He SHOULD be the one to explain to his family, and the groomsmen, that you can't do it for medical reasons. Why isn't he taking that on? Does he not believe you about your medical condition? Or does he have a problem standing up to his parents/family/friends?

[Anonymous]

OP, another option is to sit in the chair and not lifted. People can just Dance around you. I have been to weddings where it was done that way.

[Anonymous]

Rather not identify medical condition but it is genetic testable so he can't deny it. He is usually pretty good about it. he said we could skip it but that I would have to be the one to explain it to his mom, which I think is not cool, since she doesn't know about my condition.